Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Just Another One In The Wind

Today is February 7th, 2007. I have 23 days before I turn 50. This means that I have 23 days until digital rectal examinations become mandatory.

How embarrassing.

(Actually, this may open up a whole new world of possibilities, so to speak. I'll have to do a more thorough study of state law, but I believe that if my doctor enjoys himself too much during the examination, it could be grounds for a breach of promise suit. I do live in Massachusetts, after all.)

Speaking of embarrassing, here's something else to ruin your breakfast. According to the prestigious French scientific journal, Le Monde Du Petomane, we are about to witness a very interesting side effect of global warming. Due to depletion of the ozone layer, wavelengths previously invisible to the eye - that is, the region of the electromagnetic spectrum which passes largely unattenuated through the Earth's atmosphere - are about to become part of the visible spectrum. As a result, some gasses which were previously invisible will now be able to be seen with the naked eye. Chief among these, for purposes of this discussion, is methane.

In other words, we will now be able to see farts. There's something you might want to give serious consideration to before eating that next bean burrito.

(News of this discovery has spurred underwear manufacturers to begin investigating the possibility of sewing some sort of filter into the seats of their product. It will have to be rather wide, since methane gas diffuses rather quickly upon excretion. I don't know what those of you who wear thongs are going to do. In the meantime, I will be investing every cent I have in buying up Beano stock, and I suggest you do the same. There is nothing on God's green earth [this may also change] that will make you rich more quickly than cashing in on other people trying to avoid embarrassment. Huge fortunes have been made on deodarant and mouthwash. I see this as an even better opportunity.)


Now, how many of you bought that, even for just a little while?

It has always been a dream of mine to start a rumor that circles the globe and comes back to me stated as absolute fact. I'd sure like to see this one do it. Think of the possibilities. Well, OK, don't think of the possibilities; they're gross. Still, what do you say we give it a shot? Wouldn't it be fun to see the more gullible among us looking at their asses every time they pass gas?

If you'd like to take part in this social experiment, here's all you have to do. Quote the more serious portions of what I've written above in your own blog. Embellish in your own wonderfully inventive way, if you like, but keep it feasible enough to be at least somewhat believable. I guarantee that if enough of us do this, we will sooner or later see it show up somewhere stated as gospel truth.

(You might throw in something about burps being different colors depending upon what you've eaten or drank. Beer belches could be a deep amber, for instance, while radishes produce a subtle shade of pink. Use your imagination.)

(By the way, here's a fascinating bit of history, not in the least untrue. If this was real, and it was, why not our story? Go here and you'll suddenly realize, as I did, that Wife Swap actually comes nowhere near to being the nadir of modern entertainment.)


Anonymous said...

Don't you wish you had the nickname "The Flatulist"?

Peter N said...

I THOUGHT I saw something strange last night, accompanied with a strange odor. Must have been a dream, huh??

Anonymous said...

Boy am I a geek. I read "digital rectal exams" and I think it has something to do with computers. Then I remember digital also has to do with fingers...

BklynSoxFan said...

Wow! This should make "The Howard Stern Show" even more fun....

Stu said...

First, thank you, thank you for de-mystifying something for me. Your link to Le P├ętomane was new to me, but the name was not.

Mel Brooks wrote a few parts for himself in the film Blazing Saddles, one of which was the Governor, whose name was William J. LePetomaine!

Second, the Le Monde story, I bought it hook, line, and bobber. You totally had me hoodwinked, especially as I don't read Le Monde, as I don't read French.

Third, I am almost exactly one decade younger than you. I don't look forward to my 14,610 day checkup, as my ass has been exit-only since my baby days of rectal thermometry.

Suldog said...

Sween - According to certain website reviewers, I should.

Peter - What color?

James - I would much rather it had something to do with computers, believe me.

Q - What color?

(I know that makes no sense, but look who you're talking to here.)

Stu - My favorite comedy of all time. Mongo. Just typing the name makes me smile.

Anonymous said...

Underpants with filters is so 20th century - in fact there is at least one patent (or patent application, i'd have to check) - though the initial objective is to filter out the malodorous-ness of the emission - not the visual aspect.

Anonymous said...

FYI: Ben Franklin wrote a wonderful and politically inspired poem titled, "Fart Proudly." I recommend this. It is also the title to a book containing some of his Poor Richard letters.

Suldog said...

g-dog: Glad to see another canine in the pack. Thanks for stopping by.

UJ: Another one to check out is Twain's "1601", also concerning gasseous emissions.

Unknown said...

You got me looking Suldog.

Anonymous said...

We were just talking about what it is about farts that makes them so funny?! Wouldn't it be cool if they were colored. There'd be no more "He did it!"

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'm pretty gullible I admit but you totally had me going there. I was already starting to panic. :-)

Very funny stuff. I am here via bobbarama's humor carnival.