Just Another One In The Wind

Today is February 7th, 2007. I have 23 days before I turn 50. This means that I have 23 days until digital rectal examinations become mandatory.

How embarrassing.

(Actually, this may open up a whole new world of possibilities, so to speak. I'll have to do a more thorough study of state law, but I believe that if my doctor enjoys himself too much during the examination, it could be grounds for a breach of promise suit. I do live in Massachusetts, after all.)

Speaking of embarrassing, here's something else to ruin your breakfast. According to the prestigious French scientific journal, Le Monde Du Petomane, we are about to witness a very interesting side effect of global warming. Due to depletion of the ozone layer, wavelengths previously invisible to the eye - that is, the region of the electromagnetic spectrum which passes largely unattenuated through the Earth's atmosphere - are about to become part of the visible spectrum. As a result, some gasses which were previously invisible will now be able to be seen with the naked eye. Chief among these, for purposes of this discussion, is methane.

In other words, we will now be able to see farts. There's something you might want to give serious consideration to before eating that next bean burrito.

(News of this discovery has spurred underwear manufacturers to begin investigating the possibility of sewing some sort of filter into the seats of their product. It will have to be rather wide, since methane gas diffuses rather quickly upon excretion. I don't know what those of you who wear thongs are going to do. In the meantime, I will be investing every cent I have in buying up Beano stock, and I suggest you do the same. There is nothing on God's green earth [this may also change] that will make you rich more quickly than cashing in on other people trying to avoid embarrassment. Huge fortunes have been made on deodarant and mouthwash. I see this as an even better opportunity.)

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Now, how many of you bought that, even for just a little while?

It has always been a dream of mine to start a rumor that circles the globe and comes back to me stated as absolute fact. I'd sure like to see this one do it. Think of the possibilities. Well, OK, don't think of the possibilities; they're gross. Still, what do you say we give it a shot? Wouldn't it be fun to see the more gullible among us looking at their asses every time they pass gas?

If you'd like to take part in this social experiment, here's all you have to do. Quote the more serious portions of what I've written above in your own blog. Embellish in your own wonderfully inventive way, if you like, but keep it feasible enough to be at least somewhat believable. I guarantee that if enough of us do this, we will sooner or later see it show up somewhere stated as gospel truth.

(You might throw in something about burps being different colors depending upon what you've eaten or drank. Beer belches could be a deep amber, for instance, while radishes produce a subtle shade of pink. Use your imagination.)

(By the way, here's a fascinating bit of history, not in the least untrue. If this was real, and it was, why not our story? Go here and you'll suddenly realize, as I did, that Wife Swap actually comes nowhere near to being the nadir of modern entertainment.)