Scratchies

As part of my continuing quest to provide you with entertainment, as well as prove what a total idiot I am, I have purchased five Massachusetts Lottery scratch tickets, or – as they are known in the local vernacular – scratchies. They are known in Libertarian circles as "a voluntary tax upon the mathematically illiterate", but since I have already willingly acknowledged myself as a moron, I refuse to also be hung with the "mathematically illiterate" tag. I'm just stupid.

Be that as it may - and it most certainly is - I will now scratch them, live and in color, and let the literary chips fall where they may.

It’s entirely possible that you live in a part of the world that doesn’t have scratchies. This exercise will be completely lost upon you unless you know how they work. So, here’s how they work.

A “scratchie” is a lottery ticket, purchased from a lottery sales agent, usually at a convenience store or liquor shop, and you literally scratch the ticket with a coin, uncovering some numbers. There are four numbers (at least, on the tickets I’ve purchased) labeled “Your Numbers”, and ten other spaces containing “Winning Numbers”. The idea is to match any of “Your Numbers” to the “Winning Numbers”. If any of them match, you win the prize shown under that particular “Winning Number”. The numbers run from 1 through 20. The prizes range from – on these tickets – five dollars up to one million dollars.

Since there are ten “Winning Numbers” on each ticket, and I bought five tickets, I have fifty chances to win. Fifty chances to suddenly have a life of complete and utter slothfulness, not unlike my life now, really, but with an excuse. I will record the results as I go along.

First, I am going to scratch off the “Your Numbers” portion of each ticket, then the “Winning Numbers”. Here goes.

(Since they will actually be MY numbers, and not YOUR numbers, I’ll refer to them as such from here on out. However, I hope that you’ll consider the vicarious thrill I’m giving you a worthwhile one, so they’re YOUR numbers, as well, except I get the prizes.)

My Numbers – 1, 9, 10, 19

Winning Numbers

3 – Loser
17 – Loser
15 – Loser
6 – Loser
13 – Loser
11 – Loser
8 – Loser
12 – Loser
16 – Loser
4 – Loser

Gee, THAT was fun. Let’s hope the next ticket has something better.

My Numbers – 4, 7, 11, 14

Winning Numbers

19 – Loser
18 – Loser
9 – Loser
3 – Loser
13 – Loser
2 – Loser
6 – Loser
8 – Loser
16 – Loser
12 – Loser

Well. That’s 40% of my dreams of riches down the drain. I hope this is fun for you, because so far it’s not doing much for me. I suppose I should take solace in the fact that proceeds from the lottery help to fund such wonderful things as public schools and programs for the arts, but fuck that noise. I want to win! On to ticket number three.

My Numbers – 8, 11, 15, 17

Winning Numbers

13 – Loser
3 – Loser
8 – Lo... Hey, wait a minute! That’s a WINNER! Woo-Hoo!

OK, I’ve just made a decision. In order to heighten what little there is in the way of suspense here, I’m not going to scratch off the amount of money I’ve won until after I’ve found out just how many winners I have. So, let’s continue, knowing that I now have an actual chance to really become a millionaire! Or, at least, get five bucks back.

5 – Loser
10 – Loser
2 – Loser
18 – Loser
9 – Loser
19 – Loser
7 – Loser

Three tickets down, two to go, one winner thus far.

Ticket number four:

My Numbers – 5, 7, 14, 15

Winning Numbers

19 – Loser

I think there’s been a 19 on every ticket, but not in the right places. Oh, well.

3 – Loser
6 – Loser
13 – Loser
11 – Loser
9 – Loser
1 – Loser
10 – Loser
8 – Loser
4 – Loser

Sheesh. Four tickets down, just one winner. Let’s get this done with.

That's not the right spirit at all, is it? Positive thinking is the key here. Yes, I'm sure I can change the pre-printed numbers into winners if I'm an optimist.

Last Ticket:

My Numbers – 7, 15, 17, 18

Winning Numbers

10 – Loser
4 – Loser
5 – Loser
13 – Loser
6 – Loser
1 – Loser
16 – Loser
2 – Loser
8 – Loser

Just one numnber left. Come on, come on, come on – UGH – 11 - LOSER.

Just one winning number. Of course, it could be for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. If it were, that would be fantastic, wouldn’t it? I’d give some of it to charity; perhaps The March Of Dimes, because it would be more impressive if you give someone a pile of dimes because it's 10 times as much as if it was dollars. And I’d buy everybody really nice Christmas presents this year, stuff like solid gold Q-Tips with replaceable angora swabs. I’d also show my appreciation to my co-workers by taking them out for pizza and then, when they were ready to call me a cheap prick for just buying them pizza when I had won ONE MILLION DOLLARS, I’d give each of them a check for a couple thousand and they’d feel all guilty and stuff. That would be rich. Hah! Rich! Yes, I’m going to be RICH! RICH! RICH! I’ll be able to spend the rest of my life watching The Three Stooges on a theater-sized projection screen while I have slaves on either side of me alternately feeding me peanut butter crackers and chocolate chip cookies. MY WIFE will be able to quit her job and listen to Perry Como records all day while swilling Chardonnay, which isn’t my idea of a great time, but her being happy is, so, yeah, that’ll be part of it. I’ll buy season tickets to the Celtics, so I can suffer in person instead of via TV. And I’ll hire a slew of professional hitmen to hunt down and kill anyone who airs Christmas ads before Thanksgiving. YES! YES! YES! THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT!!!

(*scratch*)

Five bucks? How seriously anti-climactic was THAT? Crap.

Tomorrow with more better stuff, if I don’t hang myself first.