The Last 22 Of The 74 Things I Did, Including...

COED NAKED SNOW JOGGING! But not until after you hear about the other 21 things, so here goes.

103 - Had plastic surgery.

True, but only a minor procedure. I had a mole on my face, just below the left side of my lower lip. At age 15 or so, I had it removed. I'm happy to report that my love life improved immediately. I mean, it was a mole on my face near my lip. Who wanted to exchange spit with that in the way?

That mole was a big part of my self-identity for a long time. I still find myself occasionally unconsciously touching the area where it used to be. I was doing it as I re-read this.

105 - Wrote articles for a large publication.

I wrote an entire stationery catalogue. It was over 150 pages. I guess that qualifies as a large publication.

I know - the intent was to find out if I had articles published in a publication with a large circulation. Too bad. I had some letters published in CREEM once, if that helps. The letters contained original jokes concerning rock and roll. Here's one of them.

Q: If Deep Purple and Lawrence Welk's Orchestra fell out of an airplane, which ones would hit the ground first?

A: Deep Purple. Lawrence Welk's Orchestra would have to wait for the sheet music.

See, the idea is that Deep Purple improvises a lot while the other guys aren't allowed to? Well, CREEM liked it. Here's another one.

Q: What do you get when you mix Coca-Cola, Sprite and Dr. Pepper?

A: Icky Pop.

110 - Broken someone's heart.

I haven't taken a survey or anything, but I assume so.

111 - Helped an animal give birth.

If standing there watching a cat give birth is helping it, then I did.

112 - Won money on a TV game show.

It wasn't cash, but it was a bunch of gift certificates. I appeared on the late highly-unlamented PBS (yes, PBS) game show Think Twice. I was the runner-up. The winner received a $5,000 portfolio. I got the gift certificates, about $500 in value. I was in the lead all the way until I failed at the last question.

Frickin' Kitty Wells. I never heard of her before then, but I'll never forget her now.

It was a fun experience, anyway. MY WIFE and I used the gift certificates to do a bunch of our Christmas shopping that year. The funny thing is that about a third of the value of the prize came as free software. Neither of us knew squat about computers - we didn't own one and had hardly ever used one except at work - so I gave that part of the prize away, considering it useless. If I knew then what I know now... it would still be fairly useless.

113 - Broken a bone.

A thumb, an index finger and my hand. The thumb and index finger came about as a result of separate softball incidents. The hand came about as a result of my being a stupid guy. I'm better now. Well, my hand is, anyway.

117 - Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.

Not as food. They were mushrooms of the magic variety.

118 - Ridden a horse.

A couple of times. It was fun.

119 - Had major surgery.

I don't know if any of my surgeries count as major by themselves, but if you add them up maybe. I've had circumcision, tonsils removed, arthroscopic surgery on my right knee, and full upper-jaw dental implants.

(I was just thinking that there might be a very funny story, written in flashback style, concerning someone who had to have all four of those things done at the same time due to a very odd set of circumstances.)

127 - Eaten sushi.

Yes, and a very odd set of circumstances occurred!

I bit into a California Roll and there was a rock in it. I broke a tooth. It had to come out. When I went to the dentist, to have the tooth removed, I tripped over a loose rug and tore some cartilage in my knee. I stumbled into a shelf containing some dentures, one pair of which latched onto my - how should we say? - private area. It hurt like hell! I jerked backwards and knocked the dentist's drill off the hook, concurrent with my falling to the ground. The dentures were still attached to my groin and now the drill, buzzing away, fell into my throat. I tried to get up real quick and smashed my mouth on the spit sink. I then passed out from the pain.

When I woke up, I had new teeth and a limp, but no foreskin or tonsils.

128 - Had your picture in the newspaper.

Yeah, there was a reporter from The Weekly World News there at the same time as me, getting his teeth cleaned, and...

No, actually I had a semi-regular column on an op-ed page for a while. It was accompanied by a picture MY WIFE liked to call "Bucky Beaver" because it showed off my horrible pre-implant teeth so horrendously. No, I'm not including a picture here. Why do you think I had the implants?

129 - Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about.

I convinced my father, a lifelong Democrat, to re-register as a Libertarian. He died shortly thereafter, but I don't think it was cause and effect.

130 - Gone back to school.

To broadcasting school, at age 32. I graduated highest in my class.

(Too many easy jokes go with that line. You can make up your own. It will at least be as funny as anything I'd have to say.)

135 - Selected an important author who you missed in school and read something they wrote.

A lot of them, really, as I never attended college and paid as little attention as possible in high school. Let's go with Herman Melville. I dragged myself through Moby Dick. Call me bored.

136 - Killed and prepared an animal for eating.

A lobster. My father brought one home for me once. He hated seafood, but he knew that I liked it, so it was a very nice thing for him to have done.

However, I didn't want to kill the thing. It was either eat it or keep it as a pet, though, so I did. I felt extremely strange eating it. I felt somewhat honor bound to finish the lobster, having killed him and all, even though I wasn't enjoying it as much as I might have if somebody else had offed him. I've never cooked a lobster since then.

137 - Skipped all your school reunions.

Yup.

138 - Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language.

More than once, on many trips abroad. Nothing worth writing home about.

139 - Been elected to public office.

Semi-public. It was a public election, listed on the actual state ballot and all, but for a specific political party's internal office. I won election to the Watertown town committee for the Libertarian Party. I think I got 12 votes. I was one of three elected. There were three of us on the ballot, so it wasn't that tough.

145 - Had a booth at a street fair.

We seem to veering into a lot of little Libertarian stories here. I worked the Libertarian booth a few times at the annual Freedom Rally (aka Hempfest) on the Boston Common. I suppose that counts.

146 - Dyed your hair.

When I was a kid, I had bright orange hair. One Halloween, I wanted to dress up as Dracula. Well, when was the last time you saw a vampire with bright orange hair? So my Mom bought some temporary dye and dyed my hair black. It washed out in a couple of days.

147 - Been a DJ.

Yes, although not in the strictest professional sense of the word. I've spun records at a couple of parties. No big deal.

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OK. The salacious among you have been waiting for the details on...

141 - Coed Naked Snow Jogging.

And you will now be rewarded for your patience!

Once, while staying in New Hampshire, MY WIFE and I ran around the outside of the house, naked, following a blizzard.

There you go! See you soon!

Boy, what a gyp! Here's a little secret though... click onto this link and you will really, truly, honestly find... CO-ED NAKED SNOW JOGGING!!!