Sunday, July 02, 2017

Two For One! FREE! FREE! FREE!

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! I've got a deal here you will NOT want to miss! Step right up!

Let me tell you what I'm going to do, folks... I'm going to give you TWO reading experiences for the price of one! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, instead of you coming here and getting just your usual dose of literary nutrition, I'm going to give you the opportunity - and an opportunity it is, my friends - to indulge your appetite with not just one, but TWO excursions into the wonderful world of words, the luminous light of linguistics!

Right here, right now, you're getting what you usually get at an establishment of this sort - a few aptly-chosen adjectives, perhaps a bit of gentle jocularity - but for NO extra cost - not a red cent, because they don't make 'em that color any more - I'm going to give you the chance to slurp up so many syllables, you'll be literally literarily sated.

By clicking the link to your right - THIS ONE HERE! - you will be taken to another read, a second read, an amazing read, at least equal to, if not surpassing, this one! That's saying a lot, ladies and gentlemen, but not nearly as much as I'm about to say, so pay attention! Not only will you have had the words in this space for your brain to chow down upon, but you will be presented with an entirely different concept altogether and allowed to shift gears, mentally speaking, and give your mind the superior sort of workout it has been craving!

Do you want to keep feeding your head the usual diet of triteness, trash, triviality, tripe, and other words beginning with "T", that it has been starving upon? Of course you don't! You know what's what and you want to take advantage of every opportunity to heighten your horizons, boost your brainpower, inflate your intelligence, accentuate your abilities and explode your edification! Let those bullies in the library kick George Sand in your face no longer! Become a he-man (or a she-woman, depending upon what you were when you came in) and pump up your personality with a perfect pastiche of pleasingly priapistic paragraphs or, if you are of the female persuasion, make yourself the envy of your friends, both male and female, as well as undecided, with an immersion into a sea of sexually seductive sesquipedalian semantics, and that's only PART of what's being offered here, folks - only a mere taste of what you can have if you CLICK ON THE LINK!

Not satisfied? Not enough? Tell you the truth, my friends - and that's what you are, my friends, so I wouldn't lie to you - I wouldn't be satisfied, either. I can see you're a person of taste and refinement, not willing to settle for the ordinary and mundane, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do (but keep it under your hat - that is, between just you, me and the internet - because if it gets out that I'm offering such a deal, I'll be trampled by so much traffic I won't be able to meet the demand and will have to face the authorities for false advertising and this is the real deal, friends, believe me.) Tell you what - just for YOU, you understand - I'll give you a THIRD piece of literature, guaranteed to be at least THREE times as wordy as this one and just as incomprehensible! Yes, just click on THIS LINK RIGHT HERE (but only AFTER you click on the other links, please, or else all deals are nil, null and void in every state except shock, which is what you'll leave me in if you don't follow directions) and you will be whisked away to a fertile field of fervid and feverish fecundity (the sort advertised in the back of "those sort" of magazines, folks, but keep it on the down-low or else they'll put me out of business; you understand because you're a person of intelligence and a word to the wise is entirely unnecessary) and I promise you - absolutely rock-bottom, iron-clad, stone-cold and word-to-your-momma GUARANTEE you - that you will never see anything like it before, after, since, previously, concurrently or forthwith, no matter what amount of money you... What's that kid? This makes no sense? Go away, kid, you bother me... and if I'm not telling you the truth, I will not only refund every penny you paid, but twice the amount you didn't! You can't beat that with a stick, ladies and gentlemen, and furthermore, if I can't prove the veracity of every syllable uttered on these pages, as well as the TWO others (TWO others!) I'm directing you to, then I'll shove a toy surprise up my ass and you can call me Crackerjack!

It's a limited time offer, folks, so not to alarm you, but you have to act now because supplies are liniment and I don't want to rub you the wrong way! Hah! Just my little joke to break the tension, folks, so pay no attention to the man behind the curtain - what he's doing is not for innocent eyes! - and scroll up to the first link and click it! If that column doesn't deliver everything I've promised, don't act as though I didn't not warn you, friends, because I am a man of my word, and that word is flabbergasted, which is what you will be for the remainder of your days if you do NOT act NOW!!!

Soon, with more better stuff, friends - IF you click on the links! - and I absolutely affirm that no ambiguities will be attained nor any perquisites left unperked unless my name isn't worth the paper I rode in on, and this isn't paper, it's a computer screen, so what more proof do you need?


Anonymous said...

Great stories Crackerjack !!!!! Linda in Tn.

joeh said...

I clicked all three links and I want my money back!

messymimi said...

Thanks for the wonderful entertainment this morning, at three separate sites at the same time! Isn't it wonderful what we can do with the internet.

Jono said...

You're turning into a regular Roger Khan.

Should Fish More said...

Did you just read "the art of the deal" or something?

Absolut Ruiness said...

Well done Jim! Thanks for getting me out of my own head for some time ! It has been a terrible terrible place since the past few days. Much love to you.

Jackie said...

..."wonderful world of words, the luminous light of linguistics!"...
Who wouldn't want to explore this! The alliterative introduction drew me in. :)
Sending you smiles....from here in the Deep South (gnats, humidity, and heat R Us.)

Craig said...

Sesquipedalian - one and a half feet??

And, uh. . . priapistic paragraphs? If it takes more than four hours to read it, do I need to contact a doctor?