I Am Still Dave Barry's Contemporary

Last time we spoke...

(Except for a select few of you who are deranged and actually went out of your way to have dinner with me at some point, we haven't actually spoken. I've typed and you've read. Just getting that out of the way for the literalists in the crowd.)

... I told you about my upcoming publications. In that extremely self-serving bit of flummery, I promised I'd tell you about each actual print edition as it became available. I'm a man of my word (the word, in this case, is "vain") so here I am telling you about the first one to reach the newsstands. It is a piece entitled I Split My Head Open and it appears in the current issue of Funny Times.

(Those of you with subscriptions, which should be all of you, knew this already. If you don't have a subscription, click on the link and get one, damn it. When I win my Pulitzer, anyone who can prove loyalty, by walking up to me and pulling out a weathered copy of this issue and saying "Hey, Bub, I supported you back when you were living on spoons of peanut butter straight from the jar!", will be my guest for dinner at the nearest KFC. I won't be chintzy about it, either - all white meat.)

You may remember how I wrote about being Dave Barry's contemporary back when my first appearance in Funny Times happened. I am delighted to report that we are still contemporaries. He is also in this issue.

(Back then, I actually wrote to Dave Barry and told him we were contemporaries. The reason I did so was because, many years back, I had written to him asking his advice on how to become a humor columnist. True story. This was way before e-mail, so I had actually stuffed my letter into an envelope, along with one or two samples of what was probably some wholly execrable writing, and imposed upon him to read my stuff and be overwhelmed with my nascent genius. He was kind enough to write back. He gave me all kinds of good advice which I ignored for about thirty years. So, when I was actually published in the same monthly as him, I thought it only fair to thank him for his previous kindness. The lesson here is that if you do me a favor, I'll thank you thirty years later, so if you think I've stiffed you lately, don't give up hope.)

(He replied to my recent e-mail, also, and signed it "Your Contemporary, Dave Barry". He's a nice guy, no joke at all. And how have I repaid his kindness? By basically telling every wanna-be writer in Christendom that he'll answer their letters personally. I'm a peach.)

Anyway, that's today's good news. Buy Funny Times! Think of it as an investment in future fried chicken.

Soon, with more battered stuff.