Tuesday, September 06, 2011

First Date Etiquette

There are many people, who:

A - Are single, and have never dated before.

B - Have recently divorced or separated, following a long-term relationship, and need advice on gracefully re-entering the dating scene.

C - Who simply like to enjoy a good laugh at the expense of A and B.

For those who fall into one of the above categories (or who just plain fall down, now and again, for no apparent reason) I present the following lesson in first date etiquette.

Of course, you're probably asking yourself a very good question, which is this:

What makes you so qualified to hand out such advice, Sullivan?

Well, if you had asked me the question, instead of yourself, I might have given you a very good answer. Instead, I'll tell you that talking to yourself is something you should avoid if you want to make a good first impression on a date.

(Please remember that the following advice does not necessarily reflect the opinion of anyone sane, and any unauthorized reproduction, without the expressed written consent of the person with whom you wish to reproduce, is against the law in every state, even Arkansas.)

Let's start with some pointers!

(More pointers, and an occasional schnauzer or two, may be found in another piece of mine, "First Dog Etiquette"...)


*DO always be sure to make arrangements for the date before picking up the person you are dating. If you fail to make these arrangements first, it's called "kidnapping".

*DO remember to bring your date chocolates and flowers. This way, if your date backs out at the last minute, you can eat the chocolates and smell the flowers so the evening shouldn't be a total waste.

*DO always be mindful of your personal grooming. Shower, shave, wear something nice, and don't pick your nose. Nothing is quite so disastrous on a first date as being a dirty unshaven bum who picks his nose.

*DO remember that the person you're dating is also on their first date with you! Be especially considerate of their feelings. If, for instance, your date calls you an ignorant flea-bitten scumbag, assume that it's just nerves on his or her part, and remain a gentleman (or a lady, depending upon what you were when the date began).

*DON'T take undue notice of your date's unusual habits or mannerisms. Remember that this is just your first date. Not only might you have some type of behavior that is just as distressing to your date, but what seems to be especially boorish now may well turn out to be something you will find cute as the relationship deepens. Of course, if your date is a dirty unshaven bum who picks his nose, this is unlikely.

*DON'T tell off-color stories and jokes, or make any remarks concerning sexual matters, until you're fairly certain that the person you're with is at least as perverted and depraved as you are.

*If you're a man, DON'T automatically pick up the tab. This is considered, by some women in this modern age, to be an act of chauvinism, highly insulting. Instead, give the woman a chance to be the one who pays. In this manner, not only will you show her that you consider her your equal, you might save a few bucks. On top of that, you'll find out just how desperate she is to be liked, and you can use that knowledge later in the evening to bolster your confidence during your clumsy attempts at coercing sex from her.

*DON'T be a dirty unshaven bum who picks his nose! This cannot be stressed enough!

Alright. Now that you've learned a few basics, let's see how you fare on a short quiz.

All of these questions were chosen to measure a subject's attitudes and responses in regard to human relations in general, and not just in a dating situation. However, unless you plan on dating outside of your species, the correct answers are still applicable.

Choose the response which most closely matches your own feelings. If you find no answer that matches your own feelings, use someone else's feelings. Ready? Let's go!

1) Your date shows up at your door with his or her mother. What is your reaction?

a) Act as though nothing is out of the ordinary, and invite them both in.
b) Tell them you've suddenly come down with a terrible headache, and the date is off.
c) Pitch mom down the stairs and make love to your date right in the hallway.
d) Pitch your date down the stairs and make love to the mother.

2) Your date tells you that instead of going to see a movie and having a nice quiet dinner in a fancy restaurant, he instead has purchased two tickets to the roller derby and has a coupon good for two Whoppers for the price of one. Do you...

a) Go to the roller derby, and even treat for the burgers?
b) Explain that it isn't fair to change plans at the last minute, then refuse to go?
c) Pitch your date down the stairs and make love to the mother?
d) Pitch a shit fit?

3) Your date shows up wearing day-glo orange sneakers, a tie that lights up and says "World's Greatest Lover", and carrying a 5 pound box of chocolates. You...

a) Ignore the impropriety and eat the chocolates?
b) Ignore the chocolates and eat the impropriety?
c) Pitch your date down the stairs and make love to the mother?
d) Go put on YOUR day-glo orange sneakers and "World's Greatest Lover" tie, while mentally making wedding arrangements?

Score yourself in the following manner: Take a carving knife and, starting at the base of the throat, make an incision 25 inches long.

NEXT: Why Ice Cream Doesn't Have Bones, But You Do.

Soon, with more better stuff.


Buck said...

"Making love to the mother" would have been a wiser choice in several of MY dating situations.

Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Damn I'm glad I'm not single...

Craig said...

That whole 'dirty, unshaven, nose-picking' thing is so hard to remember. . .

Especially after 30-or-so years of marriage. . .


Hilary said...

Ahh my morning laugh. You never fail to deliver. :)

Jeni said...

Some really good suggestions in there -somewhere! I should print this out to keep a copy of the basic instructions should the need ever arise when I may need to refer back to them. (Especially the bits about the scumbag, nose-picker, etc., as a lot of those available in this region appear to have traits along those lines.)

lime said...

day glo orange sneakers and world's greatest lover tie???? you were watching my first date with mr. lime!!!!

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

I'm thinking this would be a good time to refrain from commenting... kinda like availing myself of the privileges afforded by the Fifth Amendment.

Anonymous said...

Uhm. Uhm.

My boys haven't started dating yet, but now I really AM worried.

"make love to the mother"

It doesn't set well with me.


hee hee hee

(This was really funny Mr. Suldog!)

silly rabbit said...

Ha! Great fun! I answered "A" to all of them.
BTW when I met the man for our first date, I told my sons to all get out of the house and stay away. We met at a local bar for a beer as an opener since we had never met in person before. Much to my horror, all my sons were there!
But he didn't run away screaming and that said a heck of a lot. I decided to keep him. But it did take awhile for him to decide to keep me. =;)

Daryl said...

Its stuff like this that makes me love my Toonman all the more even after 33 yrs ... and the new Slim and Cody is up on YouTube and on my blof, it seemed fitting to devote two posts to him today on his .. wait for it .. 74th birthday!!!!!!!!

I am eons younger than he is .. eons.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Thanks for the pointers! Might come in useful in a completely different life LOL. Had a good laugh and looking forward to reading your ice cream post.

Chris said...

"Score yourself in the following manner."

You're a hoot, Sully, honestly.

messymimi said...

Winner of a worst date ever contest i once heard of was the guy who bought them a Happy Meal to split, and he kept the toy.

Sooo glad i don't need this advice right now.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Nice job on the sidebar.
A piece of advice. If you don't have a carving knife, a butter knife will not work as an effective replacement.

I'm reminded of an instance when a last minute phone call was made and then the date's car was used for the date. It was a double date and my friend's date was not impressed... go figure!

I'm thinking I should post as the last choice on the list at the bottom of this Leave your comment box?

Steve Bailey said...

haha!! Why no threesome option?

Anonymous said...

...a dirty unshaven bum who picks his nose... would have been a better choice than my ex-husband...or else slitting my throat...

Just sayin'.

Shrinky said...

Back in the day, I was tempted to "score" many's a potential date!

You never fail to deliver, bonny lad - I love your sweetly warped and twisted mind! This is the funniest post I've read in I don't know how long. Brilliant.

Clare Dunn said...

Excuse me while I go score myself...

i beati said...

I want a man

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Well, that clinches it... I think I'd rather score myself than sign up for Match.com.

Michelle H. said...

I refrain from giving an answer since most of these answers are geared to making love to someone's mother, which isn't my cup of tea. As for the fathers...

Unknown said...

I've written several blogs: see ' A shallow sister's guide to dating ' and not one of them suggests the woman pays...ever! We are not equal to men. We never will be. We admit our superiority and don't feel in any way belittled when a man pays for the pleasure of our company. I am yet to take out my purse on a date. In fact I don't think I even bring one with me. However, you have opened a whole new section for me to deal with, with regards 'what to do if a date picks his nose.'
And I don't mind saying I might well plagerise your line that not making prior arrangements with your date is actually kidnapping.

3GKnight said...

How did I miss this? Very funny! I chortled at the kidnapping comment.

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