Friday, July 22, 2011

Hello! I'm Planty The Potted Plant!






My friend, Suldog, is growing me. That's him below.




You know him as a grown-up man, but I thought a photo of him at the same sort of age as I am would be fun. You see, I'm just a young plant, even though I'm already pretty big! Can you guess what kind of plant I am?




When I grow up, I'll be a great huge grapefruit tree like this one!




That's my Grandfather (on my mother's side) Phil. He lives in Arizona. His photo came from Great Big Plants, where he tells me he is boss over all the kumquats, and he expects a promotion to supervisor of lemons any day now!

This is what my friend, Suldog, will look like when I am a great huge grapefruit tree like my Grandfather Phil.




Yes, he will be very old and look exactly like Victor Meldrew, except my friend, Suldog, is an optimist. He thinks he will live long enough to see me bear fruit. I think he has a better chance at becoming the next Pope, but you never know!

How did I become me? My friend, Suldog, was eating his breakfast one day, and...

(Hmmmmmmmmm. My friend, Suldog, was eating my mother, basically. That's sort of... I don't want to think about it anymore. Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!)

Anyway, he took a seed and planted it, and I started growing in about three weeks. Suldog's WIFE didn't know that I had been planted, and she thought her husband was mentally incompetent and making mud pies because he kept pouring water into a bunch of dirt for no apparent reason. When he told her that he was growing a grapefruit tree, she said, "Sure you are..."

But, here I am!




And she really likes me where I am, too! The other day, I heard her say, "You're going to keep that plant out in the yard, right? That's where I'd rather see it than in the house."

See? She loves me just as much as my friend, Suldog, who ate my mother.

[*shudder*]

If he lives long enough, I wonder if he'll eat my babies, too? Sometimes I wish I had legs instead of roots! I'd run and run and run and...

Well, it doesn't do any good to wish for things you know can't happen. My "friend", Suldog, wishes all the time he was 24 again and could still hit a good fastball, but he's 54 and has to sit on change-ups. Serves him right for eating my mother!

I have friends here in the garden!




That's Sucky The Succulent. And this is Simon Peter Poinsettia!




They were both Christmas presents from Suldog's friends at work. This is their first time out of the house, too! We're all enjoying the sunshine and the many cats, squirrels, birds, and skunks who come to visit us and try to eat us and who leave behind such interesting calling cards!

Did I mention that I wish I had legs? I'd run and run and run and if I had fingers and a cell phone maybe I'd call a cab, instead, or better yet, buy a gun!

(Since I don't have fingers, you may be wondering how I'm typing this. I'm doing it with my nose, which I wish I didn't have when the skunks are here.)

Well, it's been nice meeting you, and I hope you enjoyed the brief respite I provided from Suldog going on and on and on about modified fast-pitch softball! If you're ever in Watertown, stop by and say "Hello!", and maybe call me a cab? Or at least shoot the damn skunks.

(Here's what Suldog says when he's not busy eating somebody's mother...)

Soon, with more better stuff.




38 comments:

Michelle H. said...

You have the greenest-green thumb if you're able to grow a grapefruit tree from just a seed. I planted all sorts of seeds as a kid from all types of fruit, and bumpkins! And I grew up on a farm.

As for Planty, make sure he doesn't continue to harbor any bad feelings about you doing his mother when he gets that gun.

Hilary said...

So cute, and very cool that you nurtured your grapefruit seed. Got any sweet potato or avocado happening? I hope you'll keep us posted on Planty. :)

Bill Yates said...

Oh my gosh! I'm cracking up!

notactuallygod said...

When I was in college a pair of new agey co-ed gifted me a plant for my birthday and asked that I name it. I refused, citing its stupidity. They insisted, citing some new age crap (I'm sure even they've grown out of since '88). So in cheerful defiance I named it 'Plant'.

Forgot all about it until I started reading your post.

Buck said...

So I misread the post title and thought you'd joined the recidivist crowd... ;-)

Just in case I'm not perfectly clear... POTted Plant.

lime said...

hi planty, i'd offer for you to come live with me because i think you'd smell nice but i guarantee i wouldn't eat your babies. the only problem is, i have a black thumb of death, so all in all, you're much better off where you are with suldog who takes good car of you. i hope you and sucky and simon peter are having fun this summer.

Planty said...

What is the matter with you people? Suldog didn't write this post! I did! All Suldog did was eat my mother and then put us all into the "garden" (or, as we like to call it, "The Arid And Stench-filled Place Of Slow Death".)

Help! Call a cab! Send a gun!

Planty said...

Lime? Are you a distant relative? You have a thumb? The world is a strange place, indeed.

Craig said...

Okay, this whole 'talking plant' thing is getting a bit 'Little-Shop-of-Horrors'-ish. . .

Feed me, Suldog. . .

Clare Dunn said...

Dear Planty.

Do you have ears? Yes?
Ah, So Sorry.
You gotta listen to Sully's softball stories every day, huh?
Bummer.
I don't have a gun to send you, but would you like my MP3?

messymimi said...

My black thumb (i can kill silk plants!) salutes Suldog, and may Planty live long in the land.

Planty said...

Craig! That's my favorite movie! Such a happy ending!

Planty said...

Dear Messy:

Does silk grow on plants? I always thought it came out a spider's backside. Well, I guess that's just another fine example of plantism! Here we are, growing stuff for ladies to wear to bed and a whole bunch of eight-legged freaks get all the credit.

Planty said...

Clare - Yes, you'd think softball was something important like photosynthesis the way he goes on and on, always yammering about double singles up the middle of third base or some such. YAWN!

Uncle Skip, said...

There's gotta be a message in there somewhere.
I can hardly wait for Sucky to post.

Quirkyloon said...

What? I thought for sure that was a marijuana plant.

I feel disappointed.

Don't know why.

I thought maybe you were now a part-time medical marijuana distributor.

hee hee

i beati said...

I have hundreds of plants on 1/2 acre and wish I could have more . I show them on Sunday's bnlog..I love them as you do..sank

IT said...

I see the potential for an award here.

Craig said...

OK. . . honestly? It has never remotely occurred to me to actually plant a grapefruit seed, from my breakfast grapefruit. OK, it might have occurred to me, but never in my wildest dreams would I ever expect to get, you know, an actual grapefruit tree from it. . .

And, uh. . .

"My friend, Suldog, was eating my mother, basically."

Ummmmm. . .

Oh; I get it. . . Suldog actually chewed and swallowed and digested your mother. . .

See, at first I thought you were using a euphemistic term for. . . never mind. . .

Maggie May said...

Love it!
Mind you.... I can't believe you ate his mother! How could you!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Red Hamster said...

Planty, does this make Suldog your father, or your brother, or.....?

Live long and prosper Planty.

silly rabbit said...

Hi Planty! Pleased to meet cha. Perhaps Suldog will not eat your babies... perhaps he will simply adopt them and take them inside to enjoy the TV.
Speaking of going inside... and it does not bode well that his WIFE likes you outside... please do not forget that Jack Frost is out to get you! Make sure you have a spot in the house before old Jack comes to town. Yikes!

Suldog said...

All right then, I see I have to correct some unkind characterizations made by my grapefruit tree (which, I have to be honest, I still don't see how he typed this with his nose, but...)

I did not eat Planty's mother. Planty's mother was a tree, for goodness' sakes! I don't eat trees. What I ate was equivalent to one of her ovaries, I suppose, and that's hardly as bad.

Yes, it's hot out now, but to call my little garden "The Arid And Stench-filled Place Of Slow Death" is hardly representative of fact. Any fool can see that Planty is thriving there. Heck, I can see it! As for "Stench-filled", I suppose that was a reference to the skunks, and I can hardly take the blame for a population of polecats.

I may, indeed, end up looking like Victor Meldrew. Only time will tell.

As for eating his babies, I... well, the less said about that, the better.

Thank you.

Sandra said...

Love this story, Jim. Soooo cute. Thanks for a good chuckle. :)

Matt Conlon said...

You know "but he's 54 and has to sit on change-ups" is better than how I read it at first... "But he's 54 and has to sit to change his pull-ups."

When I started dating she who became my wife, they had peach trees. We're somewhat in the woods, and deer would creep into the yard and eat the low-hanging fruit. As it turns out, the peach trees existed because when she was a kid, she was sent into the yard to plant them, as a tactic to get her out of the house, I believe. Years passed, and suddenly the trees that no one noticed growing, started yielding fuzzy fruits!

I don't believe she'd named them though. Peachy, would fit, I suppose...

Shammickite said...

Suldog has friends?
Who actually buy him presents at Christmas??
Crikey!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Friggin' hilarious.

"Has to sit on change-ups."

Dude, you're getting smack-talked by a tree.

And was his mother tasty? Inquiring minds want to know.

Cricket said...

Only you, my swell pal. God, I've missed blog world. But this heat... yanno? Ugh.

And vacation, with the wife and kids home all day every day? Jeez, I can't wait for school to start again so I can get some peace.

No one in this house knows how to relax but me. It all starts with doing less. Maybe someday...

Shrinky said...

Wow, so THAT'S what happenned to Victor Meldrew?? Oddly enough I can really see the family resemblance in Jim now..

Pointy, I always thought grapefruits grew in boxes in the fruit isle of Tesco's.. I stand corrected. I'm sorry your "friend" ate your mum, maybe she gave him acid reflux in return(karma)? I'm looking forward to getting better acquainted with you as time goes by.

Thank you for rescuing us from all that baseball twaddle.

Joan said...

Ha! It will only be 10 - 15 years. My guess...you will still be there to enjoy them.

Ruth and Glen said...

Fabulous !! Really enjoy your horticulture tales. Reminds us Pointy The Poinsettia. :o)

Jeni said...

Although I'm a bit like Lime as I have a black thumb too much of the time where plants are concerned, I thought I'd offer you a place to vacation perhaps for a short stay and you could come here and have a restful visit in my vegetable garden for a brief spell. Mostly this offer is to help you get away from the stench from those nasty polecats -which thankfully, we haven't had a problem with this summer. However, I must warn you that with those pretty leaves of yours, the deer in the neighborhood might take a fancy to you and give you a brushcut like they did to my green beans -not once but twice this summer! You could maybe get a place near to my yellow squash or my snowpeas -which seem to be expanding quite rapidly and having children right and left. Perhaps you don't like being near children though, so that might be a problem you'd have to consider. I will however, soon have to completely vacant rows though, as soon as I take out the spinach and lettuce that have begun to fade and go to seed. Just a thought, but the offer is there so you know you have a little spot in the sun available where you can hide out a while.

Daryl said...

Had I know grapefruit pips had such personality I wouldnt have spit them out into the trash ...

TechnoBabe said...

I thought you would like the wild plants in our back yard. Did you see that post? Ha.

Do grapefruit trees have to be pollinated? We ordered two different apple trees and two different pear trees from the National Arbor Day organization and they will be delivered in Nov. Yay. We should exchange fruit in three years, yeah?

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Wow I'm thoroughly impressed! I planted raddish seeds. Raddish are supposed to grow in about 3 weeks. That was fall of 2010. 2 raddishes popped up in May of 2011 and I swear it was because Matt went out & planted more seeds without me knowing. I love grapefruit though, it would be cool to know someone with a tree. Even though I'm 2700 miles away now, it would still be cool. Good luck Planty!

Ericka said...

hi planty!

it could be worse. you could come live with me. i'm a plant serial killer! truly, plants don't stand a chance here. better to stay where you are.

Karen said...

Nice to meet ya, Planty :) I thought at first it was an avocado tree. We used to plant the seeds all the time. Never did get a real tree out of it... just a tall, skinny trunk with some leaves.

Cielo Evoi said...

Yo, Planty. What's up?
I've tried growing a peach, an orange, and a plum from a seed and it never worked! Your friend sure has a green thumb. Or maybe he just bothered to water you.