Monday, March 15, 2010

Progress Report

I’ve lost 10 pounds. I don’t know where I put it. If you see it, let me know.

I’ve lost 10 pounds. I don’t know how much that is in Euros, but it’s about $25 American.

I’ve lost 10 pounds. It was easy. I just chopped off my right arm. I was planning on dropping 20 pounds, but then I realized I had no way to chop off my left arm. I suppose I could chop off my head, but I’d like to have dinner first.

I’ve lost 10 pounds, and it’s not the most exciting thing to write about, so I’m trying to give you a couple of small chuckles before this thing gets loaded down with statistics.

It’s been 25 days since Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, when I started my annual combination religious ritual and softball spring training diet. At that time, I gave up all foods containing flour and all dairy products (except for the half-and-half I put in my coffee, which keeps me relatively sane.) The result has been a loss of 10 pounds, which is fairly astounding considering my beginning weight (195) and for such a short time span.

My goal was 180, and I’ve got another 21 days to drop the additional 5 pounds. It appears that I’ll make it rather easily, unless I fall off of the wagon again like I did this weekend.

Yes, the reason I’m writing this is because of guilt. I broke down and had an entire barbecue chicken pizza this morning (Saturday) and now I need to make myself feel good about what I’d accomplished prior to that. So, I’m touting my success while concurrently confessing my sin. I expect you’ll leave a comment telling me that I’m doing great and that I shouldn’t worry about one aberration from my regimen. I thank you in advance.

I’m not so much dismayed about having broken the spring training diet with the pizza – which I rather enjoyed, by the way – as I am about breaking the religious component of the fast. I like to imagine myself as someone who would literally die for his beliefs, if push came to shove – whatever the hell that means. Instead, I have to face the reality that I am unlikely to stare down a radical atheist with a machine gun if all it takes to get me to fall off the path of good is to place a pizza in my path. Yeah, sure, I’ll die in a hail of bullets, but would you mind if I ate some dough and cheese first?

(If you’re an atheist, I don’t mean to imply that you, personally, would gun me down. You’re probably a really nice person, despite being a heathen. I just needed a handy opposite to my beliefs in order to illustrate my point, which is that I’m a hypocritical wimp - although a slightly lighter hypocritical wimp than I was 25 days ago.)

So, anyway, I suppose I shouldn’t feel too bad, since this is the only time, thus far, I’ve failed in my… well, no, that’s not entirely true. When the folks in at work threw me a birthday party, I ate a huge slice of Boston cream pie. I figured it would have been a bigger sin to let it go to waste after they so graciously decided to fete me with it. And then there were the two éclairs I ate at a subsequent birthday bash at My Mom’s place. Can’t disobey Mom when she tells you to eat an éclair; it says so in Deuteronomy. OK, maybe not those exact words, and My Mother didn’t ORDER me to eat an éclair (let alone two) but I think I’m generally covered.

What the hell. I’ve still dropped 10 pounds, and there are lots of folks out there who observe Lent by giving up things they don’t even enjoy, like stewed prunes, and they don’t have my gift for rationalization, either. And let’s not forget the atheists with machine guns. All things considered, I haven’t done too badly. The only real regret I have is that I didn’t take a ‘before’ photo. It would have been really cool to put side-by-side with an ‘after’ photo come Easter. Oh, well. Maybe next year, after I’ve ballooned back to 195 again over the off-season. Or, if I really want it to be impressive, maybe I’ll try to get up to 250 over the winter. I truly have no idea what my capacity is for Boston cream pie, éclairs, and pizza. Finding out might be fun.

In the meantime, I’m still shooting for 180 by April 4th. Lead me not into temptation or the bakery aisle.

Soon, with more better stuff.


Elaine said...

Well done! Proud of you!

Bang Bang.

Cricket said...

If it makes you feel any better, personal penance does not bind under sin. It is strictly voluntary, though recommended, especially during Lent.

Beyond observing the appointed days of fasting and abstinence, the only penance which is required is that received during the Sacrament.

I'm just sayin'. Happy Lent.

Matt Conlon said...

Nothing wrong with 250! :)

Though, 180 is where I SHOULD be.

Matt Conlon said...

Oh yeah, and well done sir. :)

Jazz said...

Yay you... but for the record, radical atheists are rather rare. Your chances are way better of encountering a radical religious dude.

Just sayin'

Brian Miller said...

pizza is quite the temptation...good job on the loss so do you play softball with one arm? smiles.

Suldog said...

Jazz - Oh, yeah, I know. I could have made it one religion or another, in apposition to my own Christianity, but "atheist" seemed like a more non-specific sort of label, and I didn't want to offend anyone specifically. Of course, I took the shot of offending every atheist who reads me, but I hoped my little disclaimer - including self-deprecating comment concerning myself - would let folks realize I wasn't trying to diss atheists, either. Which I wasn't, Godless bastards though they may be :-)

Michelle H. said...

Stop being so hard on yourself.

You dropped ten pounds and confessed about the guilt instead of hiding it away. I don't believe the big man upstairs is going to have a major beef about the dough you spent on eating the pizza just because you barbequed chickened out on one day, I do 'eclair.

Eva Gallant said...

What Jazz says is too true!

Good job losing the 10 pounds; I think I found them...right on my butt! Could you take them back please?

TechnoBabe said...

"despite being a heathen". You are funny. You are sticking to what you set out to do, so that is good.

She Writes said...

Ten pounds! Well done, cheating and all :)

Uncle Skip, said...

I wouldn't concern myself about the atheists so much.

It's the nuns I'd be looking out for... and their yardsticks!!!

V word = mardth

Daffy Duck as a drill sgt. - "thorward mardth!!!"

slommler said...

Well I don't know how you did it but congrats on the ten pound loss. woohoo!!!! I am sure you will be at 180 before you know it!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I'm in the midst of the whole diet thing myself, but I still take a "day off" now and then. The trick is to not go too far overboard, and then get right back on track the next day.

For some reason, when I'm dieting, my only major craving is for Italian food.

The Omnipotent Q said...

Lost ten pounds by cutting off your arm, eh? I guess it was just a flesh wound???

Good work, Suldog. Keep it up!

Craig said...

Gee, just think - if not for the pizza/eclairs/Cream Pie, you might already be at your goal by now; wouldn't want to peak too early. . .

In our family, we have two early March birthdays, and you know, you don't want to diss anybody's birthday. . .

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the weight loss! And remember cheaters DO prosper.

Because the more you cheat, the more prosperous your girth becomes!

Now, if I would only take my own advice. It's always so much easier to dish it out then take it. Unless we're talking about ice-cream. I'll take it!

Karen said...

If I'd given up everything with flour or dairy, I'd have gained 10#. So, we're even.

Ananda girl said...

Yay! That's no easy thing... losing ten pounds. A few set-backs always occur. Just keep plugging.

Land of shimp said...

Heh, I think an Atheist is going to be far more likely to shrug in your general direction than shoot you, so you should be okay. That or demand all your money so that they can cross the God out of in God We Trust on your bills.

I'm an agnostic, so I'm just like to fire a "maybe" or two in your direction.

You are doing well, by the way, and congratulations on the ten pound loss. My knowledge of the Catholic church is not extensive, but you could go to the confessional and confess the sin, and receive absolution, right?

Well, since you're treating this as a confessional, by the power invested in me by absolutely no one: Absolved.

If you want an Act of Contrition to go with that? Give some food to a food bank. Or hail something, I suppose. Probably a taxi wouldn't count.

In a more serious vein, my understanding is that God would understand what is in your heart, right? So you should be good :-)

I do seem to recall something about "Thou Shalt Not Kill" so higher powers should also be good in the "turns out I'd be unlikely to shoot an Atheist" department, too :-)

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, you've got me roaring again, Jim!!!! Everyone here wants to know what I'm laughing about..."Yeah, sure, I’ll die in a hail of bullets, but would you mind if I ate some dough and cheese first?" ROFL...isn't that just the truth? It is easiest to remain faithful for the REALLY BIG stuff...but when the little temptations come, I fall...incremental stuff gets to me...and once again, with humor you hit on a big life truth!! Hurrah!!! Love, love, love this! You are my humor writing hero!!!! Oh, and by the way, good work! Congratulations on the weight loss! Hugs, Janine

Buck said...

Yes, the reason I’m writing this is because of guilt.

Ah, good ol' Catholic Guilt... a concept I'm very familiar with, what with having been married to a Good Catholic Girl (now lapsed, in multiple senses of the term) (we'll not elaborate on the GCG stereotype, except to say it was TRUE!) (for me) (I do parens pretty well, too!) for 23 years.

Now lemmee think. I DID have a point, but I lost it. Sorry.

The Good Cook said...

Ah yes, the annual Lenten sacrifice season.
I gave up giving up years ago. Now I do "penance"... in many forms. For instance, on Fridays I walk to church (it is far enough to make it not fun) and attend Stations (which I love)... I grew up and was educated in Catholic Institutions (do you wonder why they are called institutions? I could do SUCH a post..) but anyway, the ritual brings me comfort.

Ritual, sacrifice, and time honored traditions. All a part of who we are, don't you think?

Ruth and Glen said...

"Lead me not into temptation or the bakery aisle" LMAO !

Congrats on the 10 lb. loss Suldog !

Eddie Bluelights said...

I think you should introduce a Moving Average Total graph into the equation and that will help to mask the food orgies you are having and introduce a smoothing effect. Therefore you need not enter the confessional box so frequently after each binge. The average shows a net loss which is very good.

Sometime soon I need to address the weight issue - currently I weigh in at 224 pounds or as we Brits say 16 stones. No wonder my hip protested!! LOL

Wpuld you believe it - word verification says HOLIEST

Suldog said...

Eddie - Well, then, you win the big prize of the day! It's a lifetime supply of jellied slug livers.

"Where would you like me to send them?", he asked, knowing full well he was feeding Eddie a straight line.

Maggie May said...

It is a bit harsh cutting out so much, though.
I would miss cheesy things in pastry.

Hope you get to the desired weight loss. Of course, much depends on what you decide to do after Lent.Whether or not you will eat everything in sight...... that's always my downfall when dieting.

Good luck with it.

Nuts in May

Shrinky said...

All flour AND dairy?? Surely, even Mother Theresa didn't have to do this much ro prove her faith?? Oh, and I agree with whatshername, no aethiest is so committed as to be that radical, um, not unless they adopt it as a religion (wink).

Oh yeah, er, Sorry about the arm, hon (x)..

Thumbelina said...

Jim Jim Jim
*shaking head*
You should do it like my mum does. She can eat her "forbidden fruit" on "Sundays and Holy Days"! And, when she wanted a glass of wine and some chocolate on my dad's birthday which unfortunately for her is NOT a Sunday and is a day short of a Saint's day (very inconsiderate of my father I have to say).... she got "special dispensation" from the priest to have said wine and chocolate on Tuesday!

So there you go. Just speak to the priest in advance. Then gorge all you like!

You won't lose the weight, but you WILL lose the guilt. Give it to the priest. He's paid to carry it!

Hope this helps and well done on the 10lbs.

Jeni said...

Since my doctor gave me orders two weeks before Christmas to lose some weight, get my sugar and cholesterol under control, I've been trying to obey that edict so I by-passed giving up anything for Lent. I figured I'd already given up enough as it was. Now at Christmas, normally I bake anywhere from 5 to 15 (sometimes even more) different kinds of cookies along with some special breads. This year, I baked NOTHING! Thought that was a good start except everyone and their brother gave us box after box of chocolates and though I tried not to play Miss Piggy and really dig into the candy, I ate more than I should have. Then, by the time the Christmas candy was devoured, along came St. Valentine's Day and yes, more candy appeared and yes, I dipped into that -again -and more than I should have. Initially, with my diet and exercise (consisting of walking said Mutt several times a week for about 1.5 to 2 miles on each walk (round trip) -I lost 5 pounds by January 1st. Then between Jan 1st and today, I only dropped 3 more pounds for a grand total of 8 pounds off in 3 months. Now, since it is warming up a good bit, I'm going to rely more on the dog walking, increase the miles there, and see if I can shed at least a few more pounds of ugly, ugly fat!
BTW -men tend to lose weight easier and faster than women so take advantage of that in you quest to get rid of those extra five pounds hanging around. (OH and the thought of giving up pizza with my diet -just way too appalling so it's still a bit of a main staple on my menu! Loves me some cheese and dough with a bit of sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, onions mixed in with some really yummy sauce! Can't beat that with a stick, can ya?)

Mushy said...

I won...I got up to 250 over the winter!

It's useless...I can't lose any weight...I'm too content with life and myself.

Truthfully, I started today and I think so far I've gained a pound.

Char said...

Well, good on you! I lost 10 lbs about two months ago, am still dieting and haven't lost another ounce since. What I like most about this post is your justification for having Boston cream pie, eclairs and B-Day cake. I need me some rationale like that, so I'm using it--OK?

Ericka said...

you are doing great and you shouldn’t worry about one aberration from your regimen.

you're welcome.

and as to the other thing, i shrug in your general direction.

lime said...

i fell off the wagon this weekend too. must have been something in the air. it started with me baking cupcakes for my daughter's boyfriend's birthday and went downhill from there. i never should have licked the bowl....the path to ruin i tell you.

i beati said...

your perseverance is legendary.. I laid off swets for a week then ate an entire cake and now I want another!!

Rallentanda said...

I would like to know why you chose me to give your 10 pounds to ?
I have only ever been nice to you.

Suldog said...

Rallentanda - Well, yes, you HAVE been nice to me (so far as I know, and even though I don't know who in hell you are, for purposes of the following joke, let's assume I love you.) Since you were so nice to me, that's why I gave you the ten pounds. They were composed entirely of goodies and sweets and breads and cookies and pizza and other yummy things. They were my gift of love to you, my darling! A gigantic Valentine!

Wear them in good health.

Hilary said...

You just had that pizza for the sake of another funny blog post, I'll bet. Thank you for that sacrifice.

I'm wondering if Boston Cream Pie (a favoUrite of mine) tastes better in Boston than anywhere else.

Land of shimp said...

Jim, when you have a moment, I left a little story for you over in the comment section detailing why my husband thinks you're just swell, already.

Daryl said...

Wait, I have 10 lbs I can give you .. dont worry about looking for yours. heh heh. damn but pizza is my fav food sans chicken

Uncle Skip, said...

Thanks for the plug in your sidebar, Jim. Now if you will only refrain from talking about pizza until I can indulge. It will be greatly appreciated.

Eddie Bluelights said...

For Lent how about giving up not appearing to like receiving awards - in fact you could actively beg us all to give you an award. What think ye?

Rallentanda said...

Angel heart,you have not convinced anyone here that you don't know me.
Pop around soon without the chocolates and donuts.Just bring your sweet talkin' self!It has been a while.

Suldog said...

Rallentanda - Well, now I wish I did know who in hell you are. Chocolates and donuts? My kind of woman! Hell, my kind of man! I don't care.

Tim King said...

Well, 10 pounds is something. I'm curious, though: Do you expect to gain it back during the summer? Or only next winter?


Chuck said...

Hang in there! Sounds like you're doing great. The best thing to do with a slip-up is to recognize it happened and then get back to business, which it sounds like you have done. I need to go on a diet myself...I may try your version although I'm not positive. I've had more fun with computer issues this month so I've been a bet preoccupied with that.