Thursday, March 04, 2010

I Was Born On March 2nd, 1957



[For my birthday, I got some weird hybrid of a cold and the flu. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t at the top of my wish list. In any case, since I don’t have an Internet connection at home, and since I don’t go to work when I’m sick, that’s why this is being published two days AFTER my birthday. Since nothing in the piece actually tells you that today is my birthday, this preamble is fairly superfluous, but so am I, in the grander scheme of things, and if it will make what follows more pleasurable, feel free to pretend that today is the day before yesterday.]


I was born on March 2nd, 1957. That was 53 years ago, so my memory’s a little fuzzy, but I think I weighed about 7 pounds. Today, I weigh 190. If you had bought a hundred shares of me back then... well, do the math.

When I was born, there were only 48 states. Now there are 50. Can any Gen-X’er say he’s done as much for the country? I think not.

Before I was born, the Boston Celtics had never won an NBA Championship. One month after my appearance on earth, they won their first. Since then, they’ve won another 17 of the things. You’d think, considering my contribution to their success, they might have sent me a refrigerator magnet or something. Ah, what the hell. Every time they win, it pisses off Spike Lee. That’s good enough.

There were only 4 television stations in Boston on the date of my birth, and no cable. Now there’s cable and satellite and Tivo and On-Demand and all sorts of other groovy ways of getting your programming, and if you buy all of the available services, there are thousands of channels from which to choose. Of course, there are still only 4 things worth watching at any given time – if that - and you need to spend fifteen minutes searching for any of them. By the time you find one, the first part of the program is over and you don’t have even the slightest clue as to why one of the Brady Bunch kids is speaking like Humphrey Bogart.

When I was a kid, everyone was Catholic. Well, everyone in Boston, anyway. Why, you’d no sooner have seen a Protestant walking down Washington Street than a green polka-dot giraffe. Of course, to the best of my knowledge, they’ve never accused any green polka-dot giraffes of buggering altar boys, so I suppose it wouldn’t have been so bad to have seen a few. I was born a Catholic, but converted to green polka-dot giraffeism in my late teens. When I stopped doing drugs, I became a Catholic again. Now that I’ve been off of them for twenty years, I’m sort of a borderline Presbyterian. I still say prayers to Saint Anthony, though, because the Catholics are the only ones with a lost and found department.

When I first came into this world, the following things were all considered healthy: milk, eggs, butter, cheese, and red meat. Now, they all kill you. Other once-friendly-to-children foods, such as peanut butter, have also become increasingly homicidal. Any day now, I expect we’ll find out that the only things healthy to eat are library paste, bugs, and brown paper bags. That weird kid who sat next to you in kindergarten will live to be 140.

When I was a child, the only people walking down the street by themselves, talking, were insane. They still are, but now they hold small rectangular devices up to their ears while they do so, and some of them drive.

Eisenhower was in The White House when I was born, but the first presidential election I was alive for, we elected Kennedy. From there, things just sort of got out of hand. You can’t blame ME for that, though. My record is spotless. I’ve yet to vote for a winning presidential candidate. I’ve voted in 9 presidential elections and my choice in every one hasn’t even finished as high as second. I’d tell you I have great hopes for 2012, but that would be a lie. There’s about as much chance of a candidate I like being elected as there is of me writing something cogent.

Music has been pretty good during my lifetime, but if I knew then what I know now, I’d have shot Mick Jagger sometime around 1980. If I have to hear Start Me Up before a kickoff at a football game one more time… And, as long as we’re on the subject, if Terry Kath, rather than shooting himself, had turned the gun on the other guys in Chicago, the world as a whole would have been much better off.

My goodness! What a light-hearted romp this has turned out to be! Happy birthday to me! Let’s finish with a poem some of you may find familiar.

Monday’s child is fair of face
Tuesday’s child is full of grace
Wednesday’s child is full of woe
Thursday’s child has far to go
Friday’s child is loving and giving
Saturday’s child has to work for its living
But a child that’s born on the Sabbath day
Is fair and wise and good and gay


Of course, that last line doesn’t mean the same thing these days as when it was written, but neither do things like ‘budget deficit’ and ‘peace’, so why quibble? Anyway, I was born on a Saturday, so that’s the only part that matters. I have to work for a living, it says, and since I’ve yet to hit the lottery, I suspect that’s true. Monday’s child is fair of face. That would be MY WIFE. Considering what she has to put up with, you might have assumed she was Wednesday’s child, but you would have been wrong.

Soon, with more better stuff.


47 comments:

Buck said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

(You puppy, you.)

Elaine said...

Happy belated bithday. x

Bruce Coltin said...

You are such an old soul for only 53. More like 103.

Rhea said...

Happy belated birthday, man!

Brian Miller said...

happy birthday suldog!

Michelle H. said...

Happy Birthday, my lighter gray friend. So many things happened when you were born. The world has changed so much (some in good ways) during your time. Probably had to meet your grand expectations.

Cricket said...

Ah. I was born on a Wednesday. That explains it.

Happy belated and glad you're back. I had a feeling you were down with the fever and ague. You've been uncharacteristically silent. Hope you're feeling better.

Woman in a Window said...

Suldog, fark! I'd like to say Happy Birthday but I'm laughing so fricken hard can't get that out cohesively. Frig. There. Another quasi cuss. Happy Birthday. You inspire me to be all foul of mouth. You write like a maniac...in a good way.

xo
erin

Jazz said...

Happy belated B-day Sully!

slommler said...

Happy Birthday!! Hope it was a great celebration with dancing in the streets and many presents deposited at your feet??!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Craig said...

Wow. . . Not only were we born in consecutive years, but our birthdays are on consecutive days - yesterday (the 3rd) was my 54th. Which means that you were born the day before my first birthday. Which seems like there ought to be some portentous bit of smart-assery readily at hand, but I'm pulling a blank, right at the moment. . .

Cute retrospective. See, the Lions won their last championship when I was a year-and-a-half old. Which I deny having had anything to do with, but I admit, the circumstantial evidence is strong. . . When I was born, the Pistons were still in Fort Wayne. . . And I was in utero when the Brooklyn Dodgers won their one-and-only World Series. . .

And hey, there must be something that can be made of the fact that your birthday this year is 3-2-10. . .

She Writes said...

Happy Birthday, Jim! Nice post! Things do change.

Teacher's Pet said...

Happy birthday from a green polka-dot giraffe. I would have been a seven-year-old giraffe had I walked around in Boston the day you were born.
You write magnificently....and I love being here, Jim.

lime said...

from one saturday's child to another...belated happy birthday!

oh, and on my next birthday you can feel free to thank me for the moon landing since that happened just months after i was born. i'm really sorry about nixon being the first pres elected after i was born though.

hope you have chance for a fun celebration now that you're feeling better.

TechnoBabe said...

I'm a Saturday's child and way older than you, you are just a kid! When I was a kid everyone was Catholic and I so laughed at your reference to St Anthony! Happy Birthday. Hope you feel better soon.

Uncle Skip, said...

I'd comment that you're younger than either of my kid sisters, but then they'd both probably be pissed for outing them.
Happy Birthday...



V word = whinob



Don't look any further. I didn't enclosed a check.

Eva Gallant said...

Happy brithday a few days late! Yay, Celtics!

Ananda girl said...

The world was much improved by your arrival. Happy Birthday... and many many more to come.

Quirkyloon said...

Happy belated b-day! I miss the days when there were only four or five major television channels.

It unified us more, because so many more of us were watching the same shows!

~jill said...

Happy Birthday!

glad you are feeling better!

Stu said...

Dude, I totally spaced! Happy Birthday, mi compadre! Hope you partied like it was 1969!!!

FHB said...

Happy Birthday dude.

IT said...

You are probably younger than my first car, a '57 Bel Air two-door post body. I didn't get it new. You were seven years old when I got it and I was old enough to vote... and drink ... though probably not necessarily mature enough.

So what does one have to celebrate when they've dropped flour and dairy from their diet? Certainly not cake and ice cream... snork!!!

Karen said...

Happy Birthday, Jim! Hope you're feeling better!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Happy birthday, Jim! Hope you're doing (or did) something fun.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Happy belated Birthday!!! Hope you are feeling better!! Hugs, Janine

Jeni said...

I'm a Sabbath child myself or so my Mom always told me but I think maybe she may have got the days of the week confused cause I don't think I've any of the qualities listed. But Saturday's characteristics always seemed to be more descriptive of me. All three of my kids though -Thursday kids as is the youngest grandson. The oldest grandson is a Friday baby and Miss Maya, my mischief maker, is a Saturday girl!
Hope your day was such that you felt up to doing at least a little celebrating of this event! Any birthday indicating someone made it over the 50 year mark should get something a little special I do believe but I don't consider the flu or a really bad cold -stuff like that -to be the thing to make a birthday great, for sure!
And the bottom line here too is -Hope you have many, many more birthdays to come!

Shrinky said...

Oh Jim, I so enjoy your dysfuctional brain! Happy belated hon, shame about the man-flu, hope it's on the way out by now. Loved the line about the weird kid living to 109.. (smile)!

Fab, feisty and fifty... said...

a belated Happy Birthday to Jim!!

Moannie said...

Typical...you waited till it was over before telling us. I hope you danced as if no one was watching[with your fantastic WIFE]

Crumbs! I'm old enough to be your mother...When you were being born I was being a scarlet woman in Barcelona.

Chris Stone said...

happy birthday! hope you're feeling better. and you forgot one thing... before you were born there were no blogs!

Joan said...

Happy belated birthday to you. Mine was yesterday. I am enjoying a week here in Somerville. Boston Beer Works for dinner and Kick Ass Cupcakes for dessert. Can't get better than that. Especially enjoying the time with my daughter and son-in-law.

Sandy Kessler said...

Belated celebration of life .The fact that you are a mere baby explains a lot.


good look back and front and sideways - Happy weekend I must work but that 's good too as my job is ending'

flu huh no chance of running naked thru the streets this year sigh

Fair of face Sandy

Crazed Mom said...

Happy Birthday old man! Mine is next Wednesday but I'm 1962 looooooooong after you.

Hope you're feeling mucho better!

Uncle Jim said...

Happy birthday Jimmy you certainly turned out well and your dad would be proud as Hell.

Kris, in New England said...

Hey Happiest of Day Before Today.

Kris, in New England said...

Hey Happiest of Day Before Today.

Christina LMT said...

Happy Birthday, Jim!!!

Mine is March 3rd, 1970...so I just turned FORTY. Hey, but you were already a teenager when I was born. Just by a day, though.

;)

Hilary said...

Belated Happy Birthday to you. You're still a young pup. :)

Anali said...

Belated Happy Birthday! The 4th was my brother's birthday. My baby brother is over 40! How did that happen?? ; )

Ericka said...

happy birthday, a bit late. hope you had a great day!!

Kathryn Magendie said...

I'm late but!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU
HAPPY BIIIRRTHDAAAY DEAR SULLIEEEEEEEEEE
HAAAPPPPY BIRTHHHHDDDAAYYYYY TOOOOOO
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Land of shimp said...

Well, that was a good Saturday, you see, as the world is a better place with you in it. I hope you had a lovely birthday.

Here's hoping you made merry, and laughed a great deal :-)

After you'd recovered from the crud, that is. That cold, flu hybrid of which you speak? That's what we call it in Colorado, the Colorado Crud.

Here's to many more years, Suldog, with a minimum of crud and a maximum of non-cruddy things.

Yeah, I should work for Hallmark ;-)

Jenn said...

Yea! Happy birthday to you jim, I hope you had a great day despite the sickness. Wait what am I saying? That means you got to lie around all day right? Must have been the best b'day ever!

Poor Wednesday kids...how wrong. Whoever wrote that must have just been dumped by a Wednesday born person. Well geez, they didn't have to take it out on 1/7 of everyone did they?

Ruth and Glen said...

Belated BIRTHDAY Wishes Jim !

We've been battling a similar sick bug in this truck for the last 10 days now. Ugh ... it sucks !

addhumorandfaith said...

I hope you had a wonderful birthday, Jim, sniffles and all! An enjoyable post!

Reasons said...

Happy Birthday Jim, from one green, polka dotted giraffe to another. x