Wednesday, November 18, 2009

15 Goofy Photos




I have a few shoeboxes at home full of old photographs. I often go through them, looking for something that will spur a memory for a story, and while I was searching for some Christmas photographs, I...

Well, I think I have to face the truth (and, with a face like mine, the truth had better look out.) I am some kind of goofy bastard. At least, if these 15 photographs were the only evidence presented to a jury, I certainly wouldn't be acquitted of the charge. Taken as a whole (and they should probably be buried in one) these pictures belie any claims I might previously have made concerning studliness, athleticism, intelligence, good looks, the ability to dress myself, and just general good taste. They are the 15 photographs that will not be showing up in the glossy centerfold when my biography gets published.

Since a picture is supposed to be worth a thousand words, I suppose I should just shut up now and let you see them. If I had any brains, of course, I'd burn them. But, as the photos themselves will show, I don't. Here goes!



As you can see, in the photo that graces the very top of this post, I had some misgivings right from the start about allowing myself to be photographed. That showed promise, insofar as my future IQ scores were concerned. This photo shows that I still had a bit of well-founded reticence. However, it also shows... heck, I don't have any idea what else it shows. You can't see the back of the photo, of course, but My Mom wrote on it "Mickey Mouse (Jimmy) Halloween". I guess she included the parenthetical just in case anyone might have thought it was the real Mickey Mouse.




Continuing with the Halloween theme, we see me dressed up as a... uh... traffic cone from a bad Walt Disney acid trip? Actually, if this were a beer bottle costume, I think I could pass for one of the Seven Little Duffs, possibly Sleazy. In any case, I am now allowing my face to be seen in public. This is not good news for the public.





Here we see me desperately trying to force a smile while I hold two of my baby cousins. "Hold" is just the closest relative term, of course, as you can see me stretching out my hands to actually avoid such a thing. I am not a baby person; never have been. I prefer not to know children until they are at least somewhat ambulatory, and I really prefer waiting until they can talk. And I always fear that something horrific will happen if I have to hold a baby. As evidenced by this photo, I have no idea how to hold one. Why somebody thought this would be a good thing to take a photo of, I have no idea. I especially like the precariously positioned iron over the head of my cousin to the left.





Here I am pretending to be diving into a swimming pool. Except, not yet knowing how to swim, I am about seven feet from the end of the diving board because I was afraid of falling off of it into the deep end of the pool. I expect the illusion would have been helped if I had taken off the snazzy sunglasses. Nice bathing suit, though. When MY WIFE first saw this photo, she wasn't sure if I was naked. I prefer to believe that her vision is really bad rather than contemplate what that means concerning my genitals.





If this were just a photo of My Dad, no problem. If this were just a photo of me, no problem (other than my continuing obsession with really fey sunglasses.) But, both of us, in matching father/son shirts? Yikes!





Politically incorrect photo of the day (or possibly the century.) Yes, it used to be considered funny to poke your head through a cut-out in a billboard and laugh at the fact that you were white while the other person, your "twin", was black. After this was taken, I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered Sum Yung Guy.






Donkey. Oh, no - wait. Dorky.




Dorkier.





Dorkiest.





Oops! Spoke too soon!

Get your eyes off of my legs and check out that basketball. Is it possible for a basketball to be more warped than that? No wonder I never made the NBA. I must have been shooting curveballs.






Age? 15.

Place? Ireland.

Condition? Plastered.

My Mom, Dad, and I went to this castle where they re-enacted medieval traditions. You got served big platters of greasy beef, with nothing but a knife and your hands to eat with, while various local actors pretended to be the king, queen, jester, guards, prisoners, and other assorted riff-raff. I remember little of it. The reason for that is because they gave each table huge leather casks of cheap red wine to drink from, all you wanted. And I wanted as much as they were willing to bring.

I was absolutely legless; about twenty six sheets to the wind. By the time my folks realized that I was pouring mug after mug of the stuff down my throat, I had already had about a quart. I have never been more shitfaced in my life (and, believe me, I've tried.) In addition, I woke up the next morning with the absolute mother of all hangovers. I've never had a worse one since (and, again, believe me, I've tried.)

Some folks would have been put off of booze forever by such an experience. Me? I figured I had had the worst of it already, so I might as well enjoy it from then on.






And here, in what may well be the absolutely worst photograph ever taken of me, we see some of the results of that enjoyment. There may be a bottle in a paper sack in my hand; I'm not sure. Notice the groovy facial hair, though. What in HELL was I thinking?






I think it was Buck who once commented that I do "deer in the headlights" better than anybody. Hard to argue with that.

*******************************************************************

Finally, we have the most recent shot of the bunch. Truth of the matter is that I was just about to post this piece under the title "14 Goofy Photos", and my buddy here in the office, Dan, was plastering this one onto his bulletin board. I saw it and knew that it had to be included. I'm sure you'll agree.


Soon, with more better stuff.


36 comments:

not your Uncle Skip said...

"Me? I figured I had had the worst of it already, so I might as well enjoy it from then on."

Yup. I know how that works. It's the research that makes it all so interesting.

Brian Miller said...

what cool pics. the traffic cone...amazing!

Knucklehead said...

Jim, Jim, Jim.

That one of you with the long hair and beard (staring down) looks like a publicity shot for some serial killer movie. Are you looking down at the pile of corpses you've tossed into a hole?

Great pics, though. Very hilarious.

Thumbelina said...

Not dorky.

Cute. I see proud mom. ;0)

Eva Gallant said...

Those are great photos! Love the black socks and black shoes with the shorts! You and your Dad in matching shirst are kinda' cute! Thanks for sharing those with us!

Jeni said...

Personally, I love looking at old, old pictures! Not that yours are as old as mine would be -I sort of have you by about a decade and a half there -but well, you know what I mean, don't you?

The pics of you and your Mom though -really cute -and you can see how much you look like her in them too!

I have one my Mom, aunt and uncle took of me naked in our back yard, in an old but very small wash tub. I have no clue as to what the occasion was for that snapshot but thankfully, I was only about 4-5 years old at the time so not terribly mortifying ya know. Just stupid.

Chris Stone said...

you're the original cone head! sue SNL!

lol. great pics.

Michelle H. said...

Awesome pics! Sorry, I did stare a little too long at your legs in the basketball pic. I like guys in uniform.

Deer in headlights? That does sound right. Ever think of growing out the facial hair again like the drunk serial killer photo?

Sarah said...

the traffic cone one? I could've sworn you were a candy corn.

cute pics...

not your Uncle Skip said...

The best part about posting these is that it preempts anyone else from using them for blackmail or other less than honorable purposes. Not that I know anyone who would do something like that ;-D

Craig said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
George said...

Hahaha! Now you make me wanna pull out my old, strange photos. I know I have quite a few. :)

Thimbelle said...

I almost fell out of my chair. Seriously. I had the matching Minnie Mouse mask when I was about 4 years old!!!

Geez...

Except for the creepy-serial-killer-staring-into-the-pit-of-death picture, I didn't see anything too goofy or bad, but remember that I grew up about the same time you did, and I have an equal number of similar pictures, so...

:::firing up the shredder:::

Desmond Jones said...

Oh my. . . The Irish Castle photo reminds me of my own First Drunkenness. . .

My GF2's parents took us out to dinner in Greektown (Chicago) - the waiters in skirts, the flaming cheese, "OPAA!", the whole bit. (Does it fill you with a sense of foreboding that setting the scene for my First Drunkenness involves my girlfriend's parents? Read on. . .)

They ordered a bottle of a Greek 'blush' wine called Roditys. And me being newly-legal, I had a glass. And hey, it was pretty good! So I had another. They ordered a second bottle, and I had another glass. 'Cuz hey, it was pretty good!

After a while, I noticed that the room wasn't sitting still the way it was supposed to, anymore, and when one of the waiters lit the flaming cheese for another customer across the room, my "OPAA!" was louder than anyone else's at our table. So I foggily deduced that I was a sheet or two further to the wind than was best for me to be, being out to dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, and all.

So, figuring that the next thing that came out of my mouth would probably be stupid (which, looking back on it, is pretty darned self-aware for a first-time-drunk 18-year-old), I just shut up. And sat there, looking shitfaced, swaying gently in the breeze. I vaguely recall her mother leaning over to her father, saying, "I tell ya, Manny, he's drunk; we gotta get him outta here."

(*sigh*)

Maybe that has something to do with why they never became my in-laws. . .

-----

WordVer = 'coptu'

Which has a vague sorta 'sex-with-aliens' ring to it. . .

Buck said...

Heh. NOT goofy, not at all. I LOVE your gentle self-deprecating humor and your obvious appreciation and affection for the Old Days, Jim. Very well done, as ever and always.

Angie Ledbetter said...

You with the baby cousins - precious. You with Dad in matching shirts - too cute. You as the back end of the two-headed donkey? Perfect.

Char said...

Great old photos! I do have to say though, some pictures should not be taken when alcohol is involved ...just saying.

Thanks for sharing these.

Ananda girl said...

As usual I chuckld along as I read. But when I came to...

When MY WIFE first saw this photo, she wasn't sure if I was naked. I prefer to believe that her vision is really bad rather than contemplate what that means concerning my genitals.

and laughed until I snorted. My only student gave me a you-are-such-a-dork stare. (So chalk up being a dork to the things we have in common.)

These are great. I enjoyed them very much.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Ah,I shoulda figured you were a red-head!!! My Mom and brother, too!! No wonder I like you so much!!! I love this post!!! So fun...and no, not dorky or goofy...just a reflection of the times...memories...those were the days! And the last shot? Great display of your flashy dental work ;-) Have a great rest of the week, Jim!!! Hugs, Janine

Eddie Bluelights said...

Enjoyed this Jim - loved the photos. The one you describe as the worst ever would feature nicely in an Alfred Hitcock horror movie. Where did you put the body? In the next one you look scared after just seeing the movie!! . . . but my fav is the traffic cone.

Ericka said...

very cool pictures!

wv: couth - how ironic is that?

Sandi McBride said...

Now those are some great photos, and you have just projected them out into the ether...that's wonderful! I thought you looked rather like a piece of candy corn rather than a bottle of beer, though lol!
Sandi

Teacher's Pet said...

I guess I'm the only one that laughed and laughed until I could hardly see...These are great!!
You are a brave man to post these...another of many reasons that I like you, Jim. Thank you for sharing these. They are great...and you are just too funny (and too hard on yourself....but, I did more than smile....I did. I laughed at each remark.) Love these...just love them!

jinksy said...

Who said the camera never lies?! :)

Mushy said...

Loved the old shots...my kind of post!

Gaston Studio said...

Love these photos! The one of you on the swimming board reminds me of my red headed son at about that same age! He's gorgeous and so are you.

i beati said...

I no longer have a scanner or I would give you a run for your money - The one atop the rock looks like a huge troll, nice black socks look - you invented that look I see, the costumes All I can say is I've been through several sets of underwear. I have some pictures also that are mind boggling- You are a brave man.. hahahahahaahah

i beati said...

omg what WAS the inspiration for the age 15 HAIR>????

Suldog said...

Well, I was 15. That's about it! It was 1972, remember? Lots of folks looked somewhat similar (although precious few of them have posted photos of themselves on the internet, which is what makes me special!)

lime said...

oh man that was so much fun. i thoroughly enjoyed that and the commentary with each shot. one thing you should remember. as a kid your parents are held more responsible for your attire than you are so certain "evidences" of goofiness" fall to their blame.

i do see some merit in knucklehead's asessment of the cliff picture though.

thanks for the bravery in posting these. i may need to repsond with something similar.

Daryl said...

I am wondering about the donkey photo why are you are dressed as if you were a Junior FBI or CIA agent?

I love how you perfected the 'angled knee to look thinner' pose in what looks to be the pier outside Charley's Crab on Hillsboro near Federal ... sigh .. I love these photos .. my favorites however are the very first and last ...

Suldog said...

Daryl opines... "I am wondering about the donkey photo why are you are dressed as if you were a Junior FBI or CIA agent?"

The day and age, mostly. My father was very much one to make sure I was dressed 'properly' (according to his standards of what that meant.) Therefore, I often wore a suit or tie or (as in this case) an overcoat.

He accomplished two things by doing this:

1 - I know how to dress well. When I want to impress, I can do so with ease.

2 - I hate dressing well.

Joan said...

Don't ever burn them! That's your life. They are great!

Dianne said...

I love these!!

I think the top one is my favorite, I love peeking babies
then again, the shot of you not holding your baby cousins is hilarious, those babies look terror stricken

and all your various costumes - intentional or not
love the rain coat at the zoo

this reminded me so much of my brothers, absolutely wonderful!!

Hilary said...

I think I laughed harder with each successive description. Love the cuzzie non-holdings and the dorky, dorkier and dorkiest shots. Thanks for the giggles. You're such a cute dork. ;)

bettyl said...

Hehe Thanks for sharing!