Wednesday, April 29, 2009

OK, Tooth Fairy, Here They Come



If there were a hall of fame for dental patients, I'd be Babe Tooth. If archaeologists of the future unearth my mouth, they'll call me King Toothankhamun. The amount of damage I've done to my own dentifrice over the years qualifies me as John Wilkes Tooth. I'm the main course of a dentist's dinner: Teeth Wellington.

My teeth suck. They only suck half as much as they used to, though. That’s because I had half of them removed about 7 years ago. Tomorrow, I’m having most of the remaining ones removed.

Before you get too weepy about that, let me tell you that I’m not weepy at all. As a matter of fact, I’m looking forward to it. Not that I’m some sort of masochist who likes having teeth yanked out of his head, but I know what a marvelous job my dentists did on the uppers. I’m looking forward to just as marvelous an outcome for the lowers.

I’ve told stories about the types of procedures I’ll be undergoing. If you like grody tales, go HERE. That’s the beginning of a four-part opus concerning what I went through to have my uppers done. There are also a few stories included concerning why I had such rotten teeth to begin with. Condensed version? Bad genes combined with awesome neglect.

The first thing that happens, tomorrow, is the removal of most of the lowers. I’ll still have two remaining, those being used to hook a temporary denture onto. A few months later, when the gums have healed, I’ll have the more radical part of the procedure (more radical than removing half your teeth – isn’t that something?) which is slicing open the gums, drilling into the bone, placing implants, and having a permanent prosthetic dental device attached to the implants.

Really, I’m looking forward to it. Of course, rumor has it that Custer was looking forward to Little Big Horn.

So, this is the last entry here until next Monday. I’ll try to remember to get some before and after shots, although the difference probably won’t be as startling as these pre-and-post shots of the uppers.




If I had the extra cash, I'd get two temporary dentures made. One would be your standard-issue run-of-the-mill nice-looking set, and the other would be a set with great big gruesome fangs. I'd wear the fangs when I play softball, just to freak out the other team. Oh, well. You can't have everything.

Soon, with more better teeth.

************************************************************

Oh, Hell's Bells. My teeth have fucked me up one last time while they still had the chance.

I just got a call from the dentist's office. My appointment for tomorrow is canceled because the doctor has to attend a funeral. I'm being re-scheduled for a week from today, next Wednesday at 1pm. I made no contingency plans for this space, so I'm publishing what I wrote as is. Next Wednesday, read this again. And if any of you said prayers for me, and you mentioned a specific date in them, please give God an addendum. I'd hate for Him to look down at my dentist's office at 8am tomorrow, go "What the...? Where's Suldog? That bastard!" and then give me some sort of smoting.


29 comments:

Expat From Hell said...

Actually, your uppers look great. I would vote for the fangs when you play ball. Any self-respecting pitcher would fling a high, hard one right at those pearly whites. Keep your helmet on, my friend. Stay in touch.

EFH

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Here's looking at you kid! Happy new nashers.x

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Awww! are you disappointed? A funeral though, can't make contingencies for that kind a reason...hope this means you will be posting between now and then!

lovely uppers btw.

Ananda girl said...

How nerve wracking! I have to get psyched for stuff like that and then to have it fall away. Yikes!
Addendum done.

Moannie said...

Hell's Bells Jim, I would be a snivelling wreck just thinking about it. Wish I could afford inplants, what a dishy girl I'd be. Stavros made me a temporary bridge that is so good I'm keeping it till it drops out. Then...who knows, would one inplant hold a bridge? A long Golden Gate sized bridge?

Thinking of you.

Chris said...

Babe Tooth? Toothankamun? You're killing me here. Maybe if a symphony were composed in your honor, it'd be written by Gustav Molar? A reach, perhaps.

By the way, who IS Incisor Soze?

Michelle H. said...

Teeth Wellington? God should smote you right now for making such a joke. Kidding.

I'll postpone my wishes until next week. Until then, you can always make posts of what you would think you write like while under the drugs. Now that's what I would call entertainment!

Daisy said...

Oh no, poor you. To tell the tooth I've had some dental issues recently - but by gum you're really going through the works. Lots of luck when it comes around!

Pat - Arkansas said...

Bummer! I will re-route my prayers for delivery at a later date. Come to think of it, I probably need to pray for you every day, anyway. You are in true danger of a good smoting.

MVD said...

Hell, if I had the cash, I'd spring for a third set: one horizontally long tooth along the top, and a matching counterpart for the bottom. Completely avoids the need to floss. Imagine the time saved.

MVD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeni said...

I loved the names you gave yourself -especially the "Babe Tooth." Too funny!
Having been down pretty much the same road as you're on, heading for full dentures, I wish I'd had your dentist to do my dentures! I hate the ones I have now. The uppers are ok, fit nicely but the lowers are a royal pain in the behind plus, they don't meet correctly thus giving me a lower jaw overbite -which I never had with my real teeth but instead, always had an upper overbite. Go figure, huh? But if your dentist did that great a job on your uppers, then I'm sure you'll come out smelling like a rose with the lower set too. And I'll be thinking about you next week as you have all this done. Here's wishing you well that all goes as planned and your mouth heals quickly too!
Peace.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Always so clever!!!! And what an amazing tooth transformation! No wonder you are looking forward to it...albeit, a little longer wait now than you wanted...

Buck said...

I'd give ya a run for your money in the Babe Tooth Dept, Jim. You can be Babe Tooth, I'll be Yank Air-em.

At least you don't need bone implants, eh? That's good! And I'm sorry to hear about the CNX... NOT good, that. So: The Happy Positiveness from New Mexico rescheduled for next week!

i beati said...

I'm in your exact same boat- cancer ruined a fairly nice mouth of teeth and now uggo need replaced soon,sandyI want to smile big !!

lime said...

wishing you an uneventful procedure and a speedy recovery. prayers for such as well regardless of the date. and i'll ask god to stay his smoting hand as well.

now a set of fanged dentures for the softball field would be an absolute scream and a half. we gotta start a fund drive to make that happen!

Rich said...

What does YOUR WIFE think of them -Do you get more kisses now?

Cath said...

The uppers look great!
Now, says God, just to sort out Suldog... where is he? Oi! Suldog! You.....

i beati said...

lymphoma - treatments take most of your other parts away.. ongoing .Sandy

Shammickite said...

Crikey!

Woman in a Window said...

Suldog, only you with the smoting. I think God's probably already got a Suldog smoting penciled in anyhow.

I.cringed.through.this.entire.post.
OW!

Theresa said...

Grody!? I haven't heard that word forever...You rock. But did you really have do all the puns? Funny. Funny. Anyways, remember to ask for the good drugs "before" you go under. You might forget after. Good luck!

Hilary said...

Poor you.

I'll keep sending best thoughts for the next week.

Angie Ledbetter said...

The pending appointment will be more than enough smoting in my book! Don't you despise the crappiness of dental genetics?

Thanks to my "Chihuahua teeth" inheritance, plus copious amounts of now-banned liquid shell iron given to this premie twin, I have nothing to smile about. Add to that a groovy little case of anesthesia resistance, and you got fullblown dental phobia! All I can say is thank God I now (finally) have a dentist who can make up a 3-"caine" cocktail to deaden my mouth for 20 whole minutes at a time. arghhhhh

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU and your new chompers.

Jenn said...

I have been dying to have that done but am a big old chicken & barely can step foot in a dentist's ofice without geting clammy palms. The uppers look great and good luck with the lowers. No steak for you for a while huh?

And in the spirit of you reposting this same post next Wednesday, please re-read my comment then as well :)

Jazz said...

A funeral? But you're so much more important than a funeral...

Janet said...

I nearly lost it over the first few lines. Sorry your appointment got cancelled. I know it's very unsettling to get all geared up for something and have it postponed.
Today's word is argamism. Sounds like it might actually be a word. I just looked it up, it's not in t he dictionary. I'm going to make up a definition for it though.

DogLover said...

I know of several friends who've had this dental treatment, which makes me realise there are a lot of brave people around. Curiously, they all say it's not painful, but I think they've all been bribed by their dentists to say so.

Personally I'll stay with my denture, provided I don't swallow it some time.

Good luck, Suldog.

Janet said...

Argamism - the state of mind where you can't decide whether or not the glass is half-full or half-empty.