Thursday, April 23, 2009

Earth Day Can Blow Me




In order to truly appreciate what follows, you need to understand that MY WIFE has very sensitive hands. They are particularly sensitive to changes in temperature, and especially to extreme heat. Got that? OK.

So, MY WIFE goes into her favorite coffee shop. It is her favorite not because they serve great coffee, but because it is close to where she works. She'll come out of the subway, grab a cup of coffee, and then head to her office. Convenience counts.

She orders her coffee. It is given to her in a cardboard cup. She requests a second cardboard cup. She will place the first cardboard cup, the one holding the coffee, inside of this second cardboard cup. That is because the first cardboard cup, being full of hot coffee, has itself become extremely hot, especially so to a woman with very sensitive hands.

The server offers her one of those slip-on things that slide over the outside of the cardboard cup. MY WIFE politely tells him that the slip-on thing doesn't really do the job well enough, as she has very sensitive hands. She again requests a second cardboard cup.

The server says that he'll give her one, but he'd really rather not. MY WIFE asks "Why?"

The server says, "Because I'd like my grandchildren to have trees."

(Slight pause here for those who reacted as I did upon hearing this story, and who have a similar need to pick their jaws up off of the floor.)

MY WIFE really isn't a confrontational person. She took the proffered cup, placed her first cup inside of it, and left. What she truly wanted to do was throw the steaming hot coffee back into the smug asshole's face. Personally, I think that would have been an entirely reasonable reaction.

I wish I had been there. I wouldn't have become violent. I would have reasoned with him calmly, in language he'd understand, like so...

"You want your grandchildren to have trees? How much do you want your grandchildren to actually be born, motherfucker? You're lucky I don't jump over the counter and cut off your nuts, you sanctimonious piece of shit. How dare you speak to MY WIFE that way?

If you're so concerned about the fucking environment, Johnny Appleseed, then convince your employer to serve everyone in ceramic mugs. That way, you won't have to worry about trees at all. Better yet, why don't you quit your job - since the performance of it obviously pains your conscience- go live in the fucking rain forest, and throw yourself in front of the next tractor that comes along? It probably won't actually save any trees for your grandchildren - about whom, by the way, I don't give a flying fuck, if they're from your shallow gene pool - but it will immediately make the entire world a nicer place when you die. And then, when I shit on your grave, I'm sure your progeny will be appreciative of the effect the natural fertilizer will have on the grass.

I assume you wipe your ass with your hand and blow your nose on your shirt, right? Do you let your girlfriend use store-bought tampons, or do you make her stuff a sheep into her drawers every 28 days? Hey! There's a squirrel eating an acorn! Shoot the little tree-aborting fuck!

You insignificant little pissant, with your high-and-mighty "I'm saving the planet!" speech. You know what? I'm going to leave here, right now, and uproot a tree just because you suck. And I'm also going to come back in here every day for the next year, order a coffee, and ask for THREE extra cardboard cups with every one. You know why? Because it will piss you off. And, if you then say anything to me concerning your grandchildren and trees, I'll go tear another sapling out of the ground for every single word you utter, Mister Green Jeans."

No, I'm not that insane. I don't want to see the entire world become an arid and lifeless desert. Both MY WIFE and I recycle stuff. I'm not saying we're Mr. & Mrs. Ewell Gibbons, but we try to do our part. Her more so than me, admittedly, which is why this is so infuriating. She's a nice woman, who does more than most when it comes to recycling. And then she's confronted with such terrific gall from Super Barista? It makes me want to throw in the paper towel altogether. Jerkwad.

This blog is actually entirely green, by the way, since the steam generated by me during this rant, had it been captured and converted into electricity, would have powered a 60-watt fluorescent bulb for three hours.

Soon, with more better stuff.

(Due to the title alone, if not the content, this piece will no doubt be picked up by a variety of blog aggregators. I will be visited by all sorts of whackjobs who will want to leave insulting comments. Here's what I have to say to them: If you truly care about saving the planet, shut off your fucking computer. I don't give a furry rat's ass what you have to say. And, if you still insist on getting up on a soapbox to give me a pious speech, I will personally buy a case of Pampers, throw them away without using them, and help to create bigger landfills.)

(Today's lesson, by the way, is in both political science and reading comprehension. Whole bunches of gooheads will not read this paragraph, wherein I say that I'm mostly kidding and that I love trees, and that nearly everything in the next paragraph is a joke. Also, you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar, so if catching flies is your idea of big fun, now you know what to do. In other words, all kidding aside, if you want people to come over to your side of an issue, you don't give them the snark. Case in point: Do any of you think I've made any friends here with this? No, of course not. Neither did Juan Valdez with his off-the-cuff lecture about arbors and genetics.)

(Now, please excuse me. I'm going to go have a smoke, toss the lit butt into a forest, step on a few honeybees, spit on some flowers, drive to the convenience store a half-block away in my SUV, buy a few newspapers to throw in the gutter, and then piss in the reservoir. If I knew where I could get my hands on any whales, I'd force feed them spotted owls.)


60 comments:

Michelle H. said...

Well, that was unexpected. Hee-hee! Maybe people won't mind... considering...

MVD said...

Hey Suldog - You've got a link in the sidebar for your 22 best posts. If I had a vote, I'd tack this on as #23. I laughed out loud through the whole piece.

And, yeah, I like the environment as much as the next guy, but all this talk of "going green" is playing out like an uber-trendy cause-of-the-week onto which every media outlet (even Fox for Christ sakes!) is latching. That's not to say that greening the environment is a fad, or something to be dismissed as junk science, but simply that the media are jamming the phrase down our throats until the next big thing hits. And it's damn fatiguing.

Go have your cigarette and toss the butt into a school park. At very least, you've earned that privilege with this post.

Chuck said...

Well, I might complain to the manager. People who treat customers like that really shouldn't be in a job dealing directly with customers. If the counter clerk is annoyed but keeps it to himself, that's his business...if he tries to lecture me on how my habits are destroying the earth, then maybe he should look for a position at an environmental lobbyist firm and get the fuck out of Starbucks before someone DOES throw a cup of hot coffee in his face.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

I love the sarcasm!...and don't blame you for feeling this way one bit...After all, while it's good to be conscious about how we care for the planet, people should toss out the self-righteous, holier- than-thou attitude...THAT deserves to be put in a landfill...Your wife is a gracious lady, I think...

Ragtop Day said...

I don't know what I expected from the title of the post, but I got more and better! I agree with MVD - I laughed the whole way through!

(How many times can a person use "I" in a comment?)

eeka said...

Why doesn't YOUR WIFE just carry a travel mug with her? Better for the planet AND nicer to drink your coffee from. Most places give discounts for using a mug.

Ananda girl said...

I love coming here. I never know if I will leave humming Take Me Out to the Ball Game or holding my sides laughing.
Seriously, though... I really dislike jerks.
On the brighter side, lucky wife to be so loved. Thanks for the bi laugh.
Here's another laugh... my verificaton word is "ecome" and that strikes me as funny somehow, in context to the rant.

Expat From Hell said...

Yeah, I am on board with these commenters. This is what blogging is all about. Great post!
By the way, convenience stores measure sales from cups sold, not amount of coffee (the cup costs more than the stuff inside it). That's probably the reason for the clerk's objection. It doesn't have anything to do with ecology at all. It's about GREED! Uh oh, did I suggest another Suldog post?

LOVE IT! EFH

jill said...

i was hoping to see some tree hugger comments....guess i'll have to come back.

this was awesome....soooo glad i stopped by.

Snowbrush said...

Euell Gibbons? Now that's a name I haven't heard in a while. Takes an old fart to remember, eh? Sure, you and I might not know all the current celebs, but we remember the dead ones.

I think the self-righteous clerk needs another job where he won't have to kill any trees or decide how many trees his customers are justified in killing. I NEVER buy coffee out; I carry a big insulated mug with me. I do this mostly to save money, but also to save trees, and also to have better coffee. If everyone did as I do, trees would be saved, but he would be out of work.

I LOVED your humor, but would you have really reamed, steamed, and dry-cleaned that guy to such an extent?

Chris said...

Suldog, this rocks. I especially loved the "tree aborting fuck" reference. Great work as always.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

OMG!!!! suldog you ROCK!! like a rock god! No man hath ever loved a woman as much as you in defense of Ladywife in such a barrage of vitriol, so well deserved!

I was reading this to Mum-moannie with great difficulty as I was laughing so much, I was spraying mucous from my various facial orifices and had to stop to replenish my electrolite levels, so l could carry on.
I/we agree that you should attach this as one of your best ever. This made me laugh more than the Jeopardy post about...
Moannie, just said, she keeps picturing the jackass's face had you ranted into his face!!

and she has pointed me to the other post you write in a non swearing alter ego blog? CAn this be true? I cannot imagine it to be as entertaining, but I will go see soon!
YOUR BIG FAN!!

FFF

Jim said...

Eeka - Good suggestion. Actually, she usually does carry one with her, and I should have noted that. It wouldn't have detracted from the vitriol and would have made her look more reasonable, which she is.

Peter Porcupine said...

Suldog! I can help you with your program of eco-terror!

We got OODLES of right whales in Cape Cod Bay for some odd reason - one poor guy is facing CHARGES for personally dis-entangling one from his fishing line instead of allowing them trained professionals to do it!

So - you bring the owls, and I'll bring the marshmallows! Better still - wanna feed them plovers?

Suldog said...

I think I have a new exercise for would-be voice-over announcers:

Peter Porcupine Plucked A Pack Of Pissed-Off Plovers...

Karen said...

Could you hear me laughing? This is great and I agree with the other poster who said it should go in your top posts :)

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Can I be a teensy weensy bit glad that happened? It made for a really funny post!

By the way, you are excused from answering the question on my post of today if you happen to read it OK?!

SCG said...

Awesome post. I just wish you could come out of your shell and speak your mind....

SCG

Sue Densmore said...

Wow! I am so impressed with your wife's graciousness. I would have reacted more in your direction, although perhaps not with quite so much -er - vehemence. :)

I agree with the "travel mug" people.

Mrs. C. said...

Ah, the joys of having someone else's agenda rubbed in your face. It's everywhere these days, ya know. Unfortunately, when you are the CUSTOMER SERVICE person, your job is to serve the customer ONLY what they ordered and not a big fat helping of your opinion to go with it. Preach on your day off, jackass...the lady paid for a cup of coffee served to her the way she wanted it and didn't ask for a freakin' PSA on the side.

Buck said...

Well, now. My ONLY criticism is this post is a day late... it sure ain't a dollar short, tho. Great rant, and very well-placed.

And Hey! Where are the eco-nuts? I'm semi-disappointed!

GreenJello said...

Feel better now? LOL

Janet said...

The Eco-Nut has arrived! But I'm still going to disappoint everybody. That clerk was an idiot. He was rude, he was not doing his job, and he is no more interested in the environment than Dubya was. He's only interested in trying to embarrass a perfectly nice lady who didn't want to burn her hands. He should be fired.
But, my God, someone should also thank him for providing you with fodder for such a hysterically funny post!

lime said...

personally, i'd go back to the sanctimonious little shit the next day with my own ceramic mug or travel mug. i'd insist on it being filled with the exact measure of whatever their disposable cups hold AND demand a discount for bringing my own cup instead of using theirs. then i'd ask if all the bulbs in their store are the most energy efficient sorts available. are the coffee filters made with unbleached 100% recycled fiber or better yet, the washable kind? do they wash their equipment with phosphate free, biodegradable products? are the coffee beans organic and from fair trade sources? the list of questions would go on and on and on. until they conceded their own hypocrisy. what an asswipe.

Sarah said...

Beautiful!

on a side note, do you need a hug?

Suldog said...

I will always take as many hugs as I can get :-)

Snowbrush said...

"I will always take as many hugs as I can get :-)"

Ah, does the old bear have a soft side? A scratch behind the ears to got with that hug?

wisdomofdave said...

Damn straight! LOL! Don't forget to bathe a hippie.

Jeni said...

Have I ever told you I love the way you rant?
You do a great job of that -just the right mix of sarcasm, a few well-placed cuss words of just the right magnitude and voila, you've got everyone of your readers lining up in agreement with your thought du jour. You should have been a politician to be able to explain things in that manner or at least a reformer politician (if indeed, such a person exists in politics.)
Great job. No I'm gonna go get me a refill from my own private little coffee maker here a also, munch on a fresh, still warm from the oven, chocolate iced Ghiardelli brownie!
Peace.

fervidmuse said...

I don't remotely consider myself an environmentalist, but the barista's heart was in the right place, if his attitude wasn't. Somebody needs to tell him that you don't win people over by being so curt (as evidence by this post.) Although I am surprised that so many people found this outburst so amusing as it's more than a bit overwrought.

Theresa said...

Kudos! Bottom line with this jerk is that it had little to do with "being green" and everything to do with CRAPPY customer service. He obviously missed the lecture on "The Customer is Always Right".

And, I'm with you on your thoughts of this "going green" stuff. Bye the way...you're totally hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

Urbie said...

The moron across the counter does not see the hypocrisy in saying "because I want my grandchildren to have" yada-yada.

The ONLY truly environmentally responsible course of action is NOT TO BREED. At the end of the day, all of our environmental problems -- all of them -- stem from making too many babies. Stop doing that, end of problem.

Jazz said...

"Because I'd like my grandchildren to have trees."
Asshole.

Whatcha doin' working where you serve people in paper then????

Ericka said...

*gigglesnort* i do love the way you rant.

personally, i'd have probably pointed out that if he truly cared about the environment, he would not be having children to further overburden our poor overpopulated planet. if he'd pissed me off enough, i might have been tempted to help ensure it. >:-)

Angie Ledbetter said...

el.oh.el. Best laugh I've had in a while. Don't stone me, but I'm really tired of the color green. I'm a happy recycler and do more than my share to be a good steward of the earth...but geez 'm pete, let's give it a rest!

*ducking and hiding*

Christina LMT said...

Suldog, I believe I've said it before, but you're my hero! I guess it doesn't hurt to tell you that more than once!
Let YOUR WIFE know that she has my sympathies and my admiration for holding her tongue while dealing with this asswipe.

Embee said...

OMG. That made my day. Thanks!

Stu said...

seriously, "Ewell Gibbons" --- dude, you and I are both very old. Please, no more reminders.

As for your rant, I am with you, brother. I would have had great trouble keeping myself from blowing up at that putz. In fact, I'm certain that if it were my wife and I was there to hear it, she would have instantly elbowed me in the ribs, checking me into the boards, as she knows I would have done some nut-ripping.

Chris Stone said...

*quietly hands suldog a mocha with whipped cream*

lakeviewer said...

You got readers and voters and people scratching their heads. Let's face it, you rock here. When are you going to Jon Stewart's show?

John-Michael said...

Just when I am becoming discouraged beyond hope ... wondering if any males of the species have even the most abstract or remote clue as to being the "Knight in Shining Armour," "Gentleman," "Protector/Defender/Champion" to the the One who they have taken on the responsibility to protect and defend ... You, My Darling SulDog, remind me of your marvelous adoration of and complete commitment to, YOUR WIFE.

Ah!! I am renewed! Thank you Jim, I love You!

Tim King said...

I don't think anyone's mentioned it yet, so I will (this being a pet-peeve issue of mine): If he had actually wanted his grandchildren to "have trees," he should have been giving everyone a second paper cup, because using more paper is how you order tree farmers to plant more trees for paper, just as eating more lettuce is how you order more lettuce farmers to grow more lettuce plants, or eating more french fries is how you order potato farmers to grow more potatoes. It is well-established that if you want more trees to be planted, you have to use more paper, not less.

Saving paper in order to "save" trees makes as much sense as cutting down on french fries so that our grandchildren will "have potatoes." Because both potatoes and trees are renewable resources.

Or to put it another way, to quote Daniel Benjamin of Clemson University and the Property & Environment Research Center, "The evidence is that recycling does not save trees. Is there anything about that you didn't understand?"

-TimK

Suldog said...

Leave it to one of my Libertarian brethren to finish this off with logic!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Suldog, you are a green beast, Sir! Well done for ranting for all the right reasons, and saving a cow... Or having a cow, I'm not quite sure what... And please save the spotted owls... Are they an English dessert? We already have Spotted Dick! Hugs to you and the Green Dog Missus! x

Pouty Lips said...

The passion with which you defend your wife's skin sensitivity is extremely admirable. In plain English: You rock!

Sharfa said...

Amen Brutha. Take Lime & the travel mug back next time. Oh, and call me so I can be in the room to witness the sackage shrinkage from your verbal attack.

There's nothing like witnessing an auditory castration and a withering self-righteous erection. I can hear the deflation as I type.......

i beati said...

I'm getting a lot of this in your face customer service lately. I thought the economy was off and they would be treating customers better . silly me...sk

Michael E Cantone said...

Don't know how I got here, I do but, I thought that was great. Just about to do an entry my self, now that will be tough to beat.

The Things We Carried said...

YOUR WIFE must adore you! Now, for that coffee guy... I think his manager would love to know about these planet saving guilt trips the guy is giving to the customers who are keeping the place in business with their profuse usage of paper cups.

At least YOUR WIFE knew when she told you, you would come to her defense in all your Suldog glory!

BTW I had forgotten about Ewell Gibbons.

CTRaider said...

Hey great post. I'd feel the same way. Funniest thing I've seen this week.

eeka said...

Tim King, the tree is a renewable resource, but all the energy and water needed to process it and bleach it and transport it to the coffee shop is what's going to leave our grandchildren without trees. Or land, or temperatures in which we can survive. A paper cup that's able to hold water will also last about 20 years in a landfill. So your theory is pretty flawed.

That being said, the guy could have been way more polite in getting a very important message across. Happily give her the extra cup, while reminding her that the store encourages people to bring in their own cup, telling her what his favorite kind of travel mug is and where you get them, not treating her as if she's some kind of idiot who hadn't realized cups are wasteful, etc.

Snowbrush said...

And Eeka, I will also point out that replanting trees is not the same as replanting a forest. Here in Oregon, they replant the Douglas Firs alright, but they kill everything else. To a person who can't tell one tree from another, the result might look like a forest, but it is instead a mono-crop. Furthermore, you can't keep doing it indefinitely.

Hilary said...

You have the greatest blog posts and some of the most clever comments above. I'm buying all you Ewell Gibbons fans a round of Grape Nuts.

Woman in a Window said...

Sudog, wtf? Is it yer sheep time of the month? Yer cranky. (But seriously funny.)

KLo said...

The title of this post just ... wow :)

Sandi McBride said...

Oh my...nuff said
Sandi

Daisy said...

This was fully hilarious. Your letting off steam definitely generated lots of hilarity and laughter for all your readers!!

Jenn said...

OK you and I both know I write an eco-blog but seriously one of the things I STRESS to everyone who reads it is I am by no means a tree hugging, perfectly awesome, hemp wearing, granola eating vegan who lives on less electricity than most Amish people. Seriously. I still eat red meat, smoke, use a computer all day, leave said computer on overnight, etc but what I do is just be mindful of other stuff. Tradeoffs ya know?

So if I had been there with your WIFE what I would have said was "what the eff do you think that cardboard sleeve is made out of asshole, soy?

I fully agree with MVD as well, get this into the stuff you're proud of immediately. BTW, I am linking to this post on my eco-blog tomorrow as a kind of reminder that people need to actually have a clue and then get over themselves.

Suldog said...

Jenn - Wow! That's extremely high praise from someone as eco-conscious as yourself. I truly appreciate it!

Absolut Ruiness said...

A truly exceptional piece of writing i must say...I loved your graceful and delicate way of putting across your point. Who am i kidding!! This was honest, brilliant and very very called for by the self righteous piece of junk barista-man. But i dont think he would have changed his mindset even after getting the above well-meant advice from you...