Monday, March 02, 2009

52




Today marks the occasion of completing my 52nd revolution around The Sun. I am rolling downhill towards geezerville and my brakes aren’t working.

Last week, I went for an eye exam and had to order two new pair of glasses, one for distance and another for reading. While running for the bus, I sprained my knee. I think I did so because I’m carrying too much weight. I thought the loss of my hair would have helped in that regard, but obviously not enough. Before I hurt my knee, my neck was killing me. You know why? I was carrying a load of laundry down to the basement and I coughed. That’s all I did. But, somehow, that made something go “crack” in my neck. Once my knee started hurting, I shifted my weight so as to take pressure off of it and that seems to have cured my neck. I’m waiting, with great anticipation, to see what sort of disaster might cure my knee.

I expect it could be when I have all but two of my bottom teeth yanked in a couple of months.

Decrepit, thy name is Suldog.

To celebrate my birthday, this morning I was supposed to have had my mouth filled with gelatinous purple goop. The dentist was going to put it there in order to take an impression of my lower gums. When he strips my gears sometime in April or May, the impression he takes will be used to make me a temporary denture. I’ll wear that until later in the year, when – after my gums have completely healed from the extractions – another dentist will slice me open, drill into my jaw, and jam a couple of titanium rods into the bone. And then, in another five or six months, I’ll get my new permanent teeth. I expect it will be just in time for some sort of disabling disease to have killed me, but I’ll make sure the mortician props my mouth open with a smile when he lays me out. This is costing me too much for those teeth not to be seen.

Just kidding about dying, of course. I’m not planning on shedding this mortal coil any time soon. Well, at least not until Wife Swap is canceled. I vow I’m going to outlive that piece of dreck.

Well, that went by the boards when we got 8 inches of snow last night. The dentist's office called yesterday evening and canceled my appointment. What a wimpy dentist! Why, back in the day, we used to pull our own teeth by tying a string around the tooth and then tying the other end of the string to a mastodon's rear leg. Then we'd yell, "Look, mastodon! There's a female mastodon just over the other side of the tar pits giving you the eye! Hubba-Hubba!" Mastodons were very gullible. And when the mastodon charged off to make whoopee, your tooth went with him, unless you had really strong teeth and a very weak mastodon, in which case you got his leg. It was all good.

Getting back to my body, everything between my nipples and my thighs seems to be working well. I’m cautiously optimistic that I can continue being a randy old sot.

My fingers are as flexible as ever, so I can play the bass about as well as I ever could, but it appears that not too many of you think that’s a good thing, if the tepid response to Hellbop is any indication. Oh, well. Babe Ruth struck out hundreds of times, so I suppose I’m allowed ONE.

(That’s as humble as I’m willing to get. I was going to go with the "nobody appreciated Van Gogh when he was alive, either" style of bitching, but who wants to hear that sort of stuff from a bald, toothless git with a crinkly neck and a limp? Anyway, until I get my new glasses, I can’t see well enough to block any bricks thrown at me, so I’m laying low.)

Happy birthday to me!

(This has been about as obvious an attempt at soliciting sympathy comments as has ever been attempted on teh interwebs. However, it was rather masterfully constructed, if I do say so myself – and I do – so I expect every single one of you to give me an "Aw! Poor Baby!" or stunningly original equivalent thereof. If you don’t, I’ll come to your house and play my bass.)

(Oh, OK, I'm definitely overblowing the response to the song. Some of you were extremely nice about it. I'm only going to go to the houses of those who didn't dig it, so you're safe.)

Soon, with more old fart whining.

Extra Special Addendum: This morning, MY WIFE gave me a present. We are going to the Bruins game tomorrow night. That in itself is nice, but get this: I'm going to be riding the Zamboni between periods! Those of you with no idea what a Zamboni is can get your minds out of the gutter. It is the machine they use to clean the ice between periods of a hockey game, and that's why there is a picture of one up above. This is about as cool (little pun intended) as it gets. I will give you the whole story come Wednesday.

Oh, one more thing. An interview of me has been posted at this place. Go there, give me a birthday sympathy vote.


61 comments:

Carolina said...

Oh dear, I hope they know what the are doing, letting you drive the Zamboni. Since you're almost blind and have only one good leg. To me that spells disaster waiting to happen!

CONGRATULATIONS and a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

(And what a totally cool and very nice present! Wow!)

Carolina said...

I meant 'they', not 'the'. I can type blind, but not that good apparently ;-)

Jeni said...

Happy Birthday, "Decrepit" -you "randy old sot."
Here's hoping you have many, many more of 'em too and that the breakdown of body parts stays at a bit of a dull roar for you -not a mass invasion!

Granny on the Web said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOUNG MAN!!!!!
treat yourself kindly and go spoil yourself.
Love Granny

Gennasus said...

There'll be no sympathetic noises from me. Never mind the stiff neck, let's see a bit of stiff upper lip! Pull yourself together man........at least, what's left of you that can be pulled together.

Happy Birthday anyway, enjoy the ride!

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Happy Birthday Sul!! From one geezer to another!

Pat - An Arkansas Stamper said...

Happy Birthdy, you NUT!! :)

Enjoy your Zamboni ride. Yes, even an old woman like me (I have kids older than you are) knows what a Zamboni is; I did read "Peanuts."

Miriam said...

Aww, you poor baby. C'mere, have a cookie. And a big piece of birthday cake. And I'm totally jealous of your Zamboni ride. I've always wanted to do that!

Jenn said...

There will be no sympathy from me, you are going to the Bruins game and I am jealous so no matter what the dentist did or people said about your song I simply can not feel bad until Thursday. So there :P

I was wondering about the picture & thought maybe you got tickets to the B's. That is so rad you get to ride the zamboni! I always wondered who those lucky people were :) Have a blast, looking forward to hearing all about it.

Happy birthday!!!

Angie Ledbetter said...

Well, even though the bod is falling apart, you still lucked out with the great WIFE!

Happy happy birfday, O great Zamboni riding Mastadon teaser!!

Got 2 Trot Librarian said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a happy & healthy year!

jill said...

happy birthday!!!!

jinksy said...

Happy birthday fellow fish, I'll soon be following you into the wilderness of yet another year of decrepitude, so have no intention of being in the slightest sympathatic, as most Pisceans all too easily resort to tears when overcome with emotion / gratitude / pleasure (delete as applicable). xxx

Michelle H. said...

Squee! You're a Pisces too! Way cool.

Happy Birthday! I am so jealous - well, not of the sore neck or the bad knee or the eyeglass thing or the dentist appointment. But the zamboni ride. You are so lucky. Just don't run over the opposing team.

Ahem. Awwww, you poor thing! What else do you want for your b-day? I'll see what I can do.

The Things We Carried said...

Oh, I hate to laugh at your pain, and feel worse to do so on your birthday, but you seem to demand it!

HAppy birthday!

The Omnipotent Q said...

Happy Revolution, er, Birthday, Suldog! Hope it's a great one, and you're not buried too deep under all this snow...

Buck said...

Happy Birthday! And... you KNOW I'm envious of the Zamboni ride! The game should be good, too... I'm not that up on the East, but I'm thinking the Flyers will give your Bees a good fight... and probably literally, at that.

As for decrepitude... I hate to tell ya this, but it just gets worse. Enjoy your youth while ya got it! ;-)

Anali said...

Happy Birthday Suldog! Nice interview. I just voted for ya! ; )

Moannie said...

Happy Birthday you old reprobate. Fraid I agree with Buck...it does get worse.

Um, enjoy the ride on the ice thingy...guess that must be quite an honour though I can't imagine why...it is a Sport thing huh?

Verification word is: ungimpor..is that an anagram?

Sarah said...

YOUR WIFE is awesome! That is a great gift. I hope you have a fabulous birthday!

Elaine said...

I am not gonna say "poor baby" cos I want you to come here and play your bass.

Happy Birthday, you toothless wonder. x

Karen said...

Happy BD... you're just a youngin' :)

Jane! said...

Woo HOO!! Happy Birthday to YOU!!
Congrats on making 52.
I want to be sure to point out that you are older than I am AND that you should just be glad there is no (documented) male menopause.
THAT would give you something to whine about.
Have fun on the Zamboni!

Karen said...

I voted for you... hey, you ought to put one of those 'vote badges' on your blog so we can vote more often!

Ann from Montana said...

I am dragging 52 behind me just a wee bit so no "aw poor baby" from me :)! A bit of advice, though - buy more than one set of reading glasses as in 4 or 8 or 10 depending how big your home is...there is never a pair where you need them and memory being what it has become, it can be a time consuming hunt...

Happy Birthday and many more and have fun on the Zamboni.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Oh kind sir you ol' sul-dog you!!! you have me on the floor... laughing you ...

Thanks for stopping by and commenting....I think!!
LoL....

FFF xx

Mrs. C. said...

Happy, Happy Birthday to YOU! What coincidence that you were born on the same day as another esteemed writer, Dr. Seuss. (But just between us I enjoy your writings much more than "One Fish, Two Fish".)

Enjoy the Zamboni ride, sir. Ignore any suggestions from the crowd to ride the Zamboni naked.

GreenJello said...

If I tell you "poor baby", will you still come to my house and play your bass for me?

Happy Birthday!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Happiest of birthdays, Sir! Are you planning to cut the ice with your teeth?

It's all downhill from here, I guess, and I loved that bit of you cricking your neck while carrying laundry downstairs. This, coming from one who wrecked her disc while getting off a doctor's couch after an ECG examination!

I loved your interview, and I resemble that remark about being an angel with a soul of gold... Wait, you mean there are nyekked pics - Can you post the link?! Enjoy your Zamboni ride, Sir! x

Cath said...

Aw! Poor Baby! or stunningly original equivalent thereof.

Just making sure I am doubly safe. :)

Shrinky said...

I am still chuckling over the mastadon leg..

Ah, stop whining, you toothless, baldy old geriatric.. seems you must have SOMETHING still going for you, otherwise that cool, gorgeous wifey of yours wouldn't still be spoiling ya' the way she is, now would she?

Happy birthday hon, that and many more. x

Dr.John said...

When we were looking for a house my first criteria was that it have an upstairs laundry room.Now my wife doesn't have to carry that heavy laundry to the basement. Gota think ahead.
I play the piano as well as I ever did.

Thimbelle said...

Hippo Birdy Two Ewes from everyone here at our house! :)

Embee said...

Happy birthday! Hope it's a great one. Eat some cake for me...though I'm still recovering from my own cake last week!!!

♥ Braja said...

Happy birthday you old bastard...

Andrea said...

Happy Birthday!! Your post had me laughing out loud...as usual!! :) The stint on the Zamboni is uber-cool!! :)

Hilary said...

Happy, happy birthday, Sully. :) It gets better as you get older. Eventually you just forget what hurts you. Have fun at the game. Make sure YOUR WIFE takes pics of you on the Zamboni.

friday18 said...

Happy, Happy Day! Check my blog to see who you share a birthday with (although you probably already know that). And no, I'm not going to compose a bithday poem for you. You can punish me by coming to my house. How about March 14th, for Beer Tasting?

Anyway, Happy Birthday! Have fun on the Zamboni!

Christina LMT said...

Happy Birthday! I envy you the Zamboni ride. My birthday's tomorrow, and since I don't have an awesome WIFE like yours, I don't have anything special planned. I am taking a vacation day, though!
I think you need a massage, that would definitely help with the aches and pains. But maybe I'm biased...;)
Here's to many more revolutions around the sun for both of us!

lime said...

well i am a day late and a dollar short as often happens for me but i do so hope you have a wonderful birthday. riding the zamboni? now that is a waaaay cool gift. your wife is one great lady (but you already know that).

at least if everything between my nipples and thighs work that still means i can say my knees are good. hope your neck and knee feel better soon.

Rhea said...

Happy birthday, you ol' dog, you! The mortal coil's rubbing a little thin, huh. Well, I am right behind you, at age 50.

Nana Net said...

Happy Birthday late.. Please accept my apology. It is a bitch when ya power keeps going 6" inches of snow! LOL
Oh well, ain't it a pain to get old? Or maybe not.... At least ya can get everything fixed now a days! LOl Enjoy the game and just know you are truly wished the best in life from this old woman of 47 years young!

Jazz said...

Dude!

It's tough being you isn't it?

Happy belated B-day!

David Sullivan said...

Happy Birthday Cuz!

I am going to DVR the game in the hopes of seeing something crazy like a naked dude playing air guitar on top of a zamboni or something.

david mcmahon said...

Wishing you a VERY happy birthday, Jim

Janet said...

"I am rolling downhill towards geezerville and my brakes aren’t working."

I'm not that far behind you. Move to the right.

Sorry I missed your birthday. Bruins tickets sound great, as does driving the Zamboni. And everyone who was a "Cheers" fan should know what a Zamboni is, even if they aren't hockey fans (which I am, inasmuch as one can be a hockey fan when you come from a low-ice area). My 6-year-old nephew got to ride on the Zamboni recently, but I can't remember what game it was (see previous reference to tailgating you).
I also can't remember what I said about the bass playing, but feel free to come to the house anyway. The Mountain Man plays guitar and I play keyboard/piano. We could definitely make some noise. And we're far enough away from the neighbors no one would hear us and call the police.

Stu said...

Be of good cheer
Drink of good beer
Tell all who can hear
That it's your birthday this year!

John-Michael said...

I send every fibre of Love and Admiration (that my ten-years and eleven-months your Elder [grin]) Heart can muster, to you in celebration of Your Day. All of all that is the best of the best to My Darling SulDog Friend.

Love Ya' Jim ...

Ali P said...

Happy belated birthday Suldog, you ol' dog!
Funny, my big brother's b-day was just yesterday (his 55th). Why, we are practically related! ROFL.

Carolina said...

I just read the hilarious interview! Gosh you are funny, and you must have been very 'melig' (that's what we call the mood you must have been in when you had to think of the answers.)
Oh, and I have NOT left an AWARD for you over at my place! So, if you do NOT want to pick it up, you are welcome.
Big smile!

ArneA said...

Happy birthday from Norway too.
My eye is improving rapidly after long history of treatment due to tumor development, but sill great to live.

Debbie said...

Happy belated birthday.
Love the fact that you will outlive WifeSwap. I think you should throw Survivor, Bachelor, and Amazing Race in there as well.

Sam said...

I came here via authorblog's post of the day and just had to say how much I enjoyed reading this!

Happy Birthday (Belated)

Sandi McBride said...

Mac's birthday was Saturday...he's 29 again...I don't know how long he can keep being 29...he says forever...I had him come in and read what all you're about to go through...he's in laying on the couch and moaning...sympathetic mouth pain, I take it...Hope you have plenty of Scotch to get you through!
Sandi
oh and Congrats on POTD!

San said...

Happy Belated Birthday. I hope your wife got pictures of the Zamboni antics.

Hilarious post, you poor over-the-hill baby. I am still smarting from the time a clerk gave me a senior discount on a cup of coffee. That hurt almost as much as the time I threw my back out just reaching for my bathrobe.

danny108 said...

Hi Sul or is it soul doing those revolutions around the rink inbetween games you sound like some sort of God or Deity, riding your Zamboni, whats that a vehicle of incomprehensible power and agility able too defeat the foes of the underworld, dont get me started.Who are you kiddin old and sick ,thats just a costume buddy old and tattered waiting for the new one too be delivered

introspection said...

Over from David's POTD.
your blog is fun. HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY...!!!

Sujatha said...

Congratulations on the POTD and happy birthday!

Margaret's Ramblings said...

Happy Birthday young man, the years only get better as the older you get the more you can get away with, Margaret

Suldog said...

You are all very nice people. I'm proud to say that the amount of comments on this post is a new record for me. I am very thankful.

Absolut Ruiness said...

"I think I did so because I’m carrying too much weight. I thought the loss of my hair would have helped in that regard, but obviously not enough."...This made me laugh. A LOT!!!!