Christmas Complaint Department

OK, fat boy, you asked for it. I told you I was an important blogger. And I told you if you didn’t bring me what I asked for, I’d expose you.

Well, not only didn’t you bring me all the things I asked for; you didn’t even bring me one of them! And I certainly wasn’t greedy. Let me remind you of my extremely reasonable requests…

1 – Ten million dollars in small unmarked bills

I could have asked for more, you know. After all, you make and deliver presents to billions of people each year, so you must have unlimited wealth. But did I find my stocking stuffed with cash? No. Instead, I found a lump of coal. Well, ha-ha-ha. I can take a joke. And if you’d delivered the other items on my list, I might not be writing this. But, no, not even ONE of them. And they were even easier than the cash! For instance…

2 – A house in Wellesley

Nope. No deed in my stocking. What the heck - Howie Carr has one. Why not me?

3 – A Rolls Royce Silver Shadow

I said to myself, “Well, that won’t fit in a stocking, so let me check the garage and see if it’s parked there.” What to my wondering eyes should appear? My 1997 Pontiac. I’ve got to tell you, I was very disappointed. The Silver Shadow hasn’t been manufactured since around 1980, so all I was asking for was a USED car. I’m not hard to please.

You had one more chance, but you failed to deliver on that, too.

4 – A contract to play for the Red Sox.

I remind you: I’m not unreasonable. I know I’m at least ten years older than anyone on the current roster and my fastball tops out at 55 miles per hour, so I didn’t expect to be a starting pitcher. I would have been happy to come out of the bullpen. Or, for that matter, third-string catcher would have been fine. All I really wanted was a chance to put on the uniform and get a good paycheck. And I’m not talking David Price money. I would have settled for Ryan Hanigan money. But not even that. Sad.

So, since you failed to deliver on any of my requests, I’m forced to dish the dirt on you and your sweatshop operation. For instance, I know that your elves aren’t union. And the “flying” reindeer? Well, I guess with what you put in their feed, that’s true in one sense, but…

(Hold on a minute. I see I just received an e-mail from the north pole. Claus must have thought it over, understood how much trouble I could cause him, and now he wants to apologize and make amends. Good. I’m glad he came to his senses. Let’s see what he has to say…)

Dear Jim:

You began your letter to me with a whopper. IMPORTANT blogger?!? Such a blatant untruth left me no choice but to put you on the naughty list.

Hmmmmmm. He has a point. I’ll have to make sure my letter to Santa next Christmas has no loopholes. Let’s see…

Dear Santa:

I’ve been a very good boy…

No, that won’t do. I’ll have to give this more thought. Luckily, I have another eleven months to figure it out. I should be able to come up with something ironclad by then.

Soon, with more better stuff.