Thursday, February 20, 2014

Shot Rock In My Heart

MY WIFE - who, if she acted on every good idea she's ever had, would be a millionaire many times over, but we're both a bit lacking in the get 'er done gene - has come up with another one. She says we should write a curling song and be ready to cash in for the 2018 Winter Olympics. So, without further ado (I don't understand what people have against ado; most of my life has consisted of it, and I'm happy) here it is.

(As you'll see, this should be sung by a female for greatest effect. If a male wishes to sing it, he'll come off a bit swishy. If he doesn't care, then neither do I.)

Shot Rock In My Heart (LaRue/WIFE)

When I saw him, he was sliding on a sheet at Labrador
I knew from that first look at him I wanted to see more
He threw hack weight with an out-turn; he was peeling off a guard
As his teammates swept the pebble, he was yelling "Hard! Hard! Hard!"
The brier was a burner and I squirmed within my seat
The ice was frozen solid, but that man was bringing heat
Throw an in-turn to my button and then say we'll never part!
You've got the hammer, skip, and you've got shot rock in my heart!

At the 5th end break, I tried so hard to make him look my way
I jumped up from my seat and hollered, "Hey, way to go, eh?"
He just leaned upon his broom; he was discussing strategy
He was talking to his mate, but I wanted his mate to be me!
I tried again to make him look, but he ignored my moans
He squatted by the end line polishing his big red stones
Oh, put my hand upon your handle and then say we'll never part!
You've got the hammer, skip, and you've got shot rock in my heart!

In my tournament of hearts, he'd always have LSFE
But I can't even get him to be my friend
I tried to draw, but threw a flash; it sailed right by the tee
I needed one coming home, but I blanked the end

With broken heart, I watched him laying broom instead of laying me
I started crying loudly because he just wouldn't see
His eye off of the rock, he looked at me in the first row
The rock slid in; it was a biter on his pinkie toe
He fell to the sheet and then the idea came to me!
I ran down to the ice and hollered, "I'm an EMT!"
Oh, I gave him mouth-to-mouth and I knew we would never part!
He's got the hammer, yes, and he's got shot rock in my heart!

If there are any idioms with which you are unfamiliar, here's a glossary of curling terms.

If you know anyone in the Canadian music biz who might be willing to split the profits, send her this way. I have a melody line in mind, but I'm flexible if there's money in it.

Soon, with more better stuff.


Buck said...

He threw hack weight with an out-turn; he was peeling off a guard
As his teammates swept the pebble, he was yelling "Hard! Hard! Hard!"

Whut? Hunh? Wait. There's a glossary. Never mind. ;-)

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

Now I know what you're talking about.
I had to find the link on f/b, and I hate it when that happens.

Anonymous said...

You two make a great team! I love it! I might not understand the terms, but I get the innuendo loud and clear.

Pearl said...

You guys are gonna be RICH!!!


Pat - Arkansas said...

Whodathunkit? You're a song writer, too! Not bad; not bad at all. :)

messymimi said...

Well, i'll be pulling for this to be a hit! Fun stuff.

Jackie said...

I understand nothhhhhhing about this sport. Nothing. Nada. And, I hate to break the news to you, but I am not even interested in learning about it. Isn't that awful! I know. I know. I should be more open minded, but to me, it just doesn't have the "sporting" appeal to me. (Possibly 'cause I know nothing about it. We aren't associated with anything to do with ice sports here.... Why? No ice. Why? Not much of a winter.) So, I use that as a sorry excuse to not get into whatever the object of that "sport" has in mind as its ultimate goal. All I see is someone sweeping a broom in front of some kind of a puck on ice. Doesn't look like much fun to me, but then again, I remind you, I know nothhhhhhhhhing about it.
Saying all that, I will add that knowing the talents of you and Your Wife, I know that if there is a hit to be made, you two can do it.

Tabor said...

My son writes music...maybe you should contact him. I noticed the men are more noisy than the ladies in that curling thing. And between ice skating, snowboarding and now curling I am thinking there is a whole new language out there.

lotta joy said...

We turned on the television in time to see a closeup of a woman's face, staring with steely eyes into the camera. WTH? Then we saw what the concentration was all about. She was shoving a football helmet across ice...then two other women janitors were trying to sweep the floor and avoid the helmet at the same time.

Kind of like watching golf on TV, but with yelling. Lots and lots of yelling.

I still say: WTH?

CLR said...

Curling is a mystery to me. I don't get it. Maybe your song will help.

joeh said...

It looks like a fun game, but the announcers do a crappy job of expplaining it, so I never really know what is going on.

It seems like there should be beer, cigars, and betting involved.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Did anyone mention how much this looks like Bocce Ball?

In Bocce Ball, at lest where I'm from, there are beer, cigars, and betting.

Michelle H. said...

Ummm... okay????

Joanna Jenkins said...

This is a total crack up. At very least you have to make a YouTube video for the next Olympics and sing your hearts out!

Daryl said...

i bet you could do a music video of it .. i know someone who could video/edit for you

Chris said...

"The ice was frozen solid but that man was bringing heat."

*standing ovation*

Hilary said...

Oh too funny and I love Daryl's suggestion. You should do it.. and hurry.. hurry hard!