How Did The Monkeys Get Up My Butt In The First Place?

I was having what passes for a conversation with Mariann Eperjesi-Simms. She informed me that she had written the first line of her novel. She did not divulge what that first line was, however, and I made a guess. She refused to tell me if I was right or wrong (which I suppose, given my penchant for plagiarism, was a prudent course of action.) She did, however, provide me with the impetus to write this post, so blame her for the three minutes you're about to waste.

I have come up with a few good (I would say "great", but I'll leave that up to you) opening lines for a novel. I absolutely guarantee that any one of these will get people to read your second line (which is, after all, what the first line is supposed to accomplish.)

(If you steal any of these, and your novel becomes a bestseller, this post will be my evidence when I sue the pants off you. You can save yourself the trouble if you send me your pants now.)

1 - The horses of my puberty had not yet reached the starting gate, but post time was near.

2 - I was sad that I had no hat, until I met a man who had no head.

3 - It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, we were manic-depressive.

4 - If it took ten bucks to get to Paris, I couldn't make it to Buzzards Bay.

5 - Gregor Samsor awoke to find he had been turned into a giant bug by some guy named Franz Kafka.

6 - His violin was strung with catgut and there was no appreciable difference in sound from when the cat was still alive.

7 - Breakfast was as breakfast always is - not quite lunch, but better than a kick in the balls.

8 - Something about the way she wore her hair made him want to blow up the post office.

9 - It was a bright sunshiny day, with birds singing happy tunes, and that made George want to fart.

10 - "Artichokes," he said, knowing full well she wouldn't believe him.

11 - Just because I threw my grandmother down two flights of stairs does that make me a bad person?

12 - In the grand scheme of things, Alex amounted to the dust in the cracks between the floorboards.

13 - I've never understood why spitting in the stuffing upsets so many people.

14 - The parade began and Stephanie could think of only one thing: this damn glockenspiel is irritating my left nipple.

And...

15 - As the monkeys flew out of his butt, he couldn't help wondering how they got in there to begin with.

So, with this ammunition at hand, I am now going to write 15 novels. Or maybe just bum around on Facebook for a while and get absolutely nothing accomplished. Six of one...

Soon, with less spit in the stuffing.