Unlucky Dog

If you snoozed yesterday, this won't wake you up.

Two weeks ago, I gave up tickets to the Celtics - Cavaliers deciding game in order to play softball at M Street. The Celtics won one of the most satisfying games of the playoffs, and my softball team got stomped on.

Last night, I once again had to decide between playing softball and going to the Celtics game. I went to the Celtics game.

This time, the Celtics lost (in overtime) and my weekday softball team won their first game of the season, 27 - 4.

It must be me.

I'm hitting .273 over there, which translates to about .182 in baseball terms. I've drawn 6 walks (despite the statistician at the site only having given me credit for 5) and that gives me a decent on-base percentage, but still. When you've been doing most of the catching, and the night you're not there the opposition puts up their lowest run total of the year, it makes you wonder if perhaps you might be deficient defensively, too.

Insofar as the Celtics are concerned, I put the jinx on them. I told a friend, who mentioned the Bruins recent collapse when up three games to none, that if the Celtics blew this series I'd let Alex Rodriguez do lewd things to me in Macy's window at high noon. So, just like when the Bruins had such an insurmountable lead, and lost game 4 in overtime, so have the Celtics.

It must be me.

Mea culpa, Celtics. Sorry! For the record, I'll now say that you're going to lose this series. Get stomped upon, actually, just like the Swingers have been doing every time I get behind the plate for them. You'll be reviled in Boston folklore as the only NBA team to lose a playoff series after leading 3 games to none.

Mea culpa, Swingers. If not for me, you'd be 6 - 0. You'd be challenging for the title instead of having the worst record in the league.

I'm not going to let MY WIFE read this. She'll realize how much my mere presence is dragging her down. If not for my bad luck, she'd probably be living in a penthouse apartment on Park Avenue, eating bon-bons all day and carrying a silly little dog in her purse.

(Her allergy to pet dander would be non-existent, of course. That must be my fault, too.)

And YOU. Just by reading me, you've lost all chance at success. My sincerest apologies. Had I known what I was doing to all of you, I would have killed myself ages ago.

(Not that I'm going to do so now, you understand. I figure the harm has already been done, and it's too late to eliminate the cause. But I wouldn't come here in the future, if I were you. You might still be able to save yourself.)

Come to think of it, my presence in America is probably why our financial systems are tanking and so many other peoples keep trying to bomb us. If I want to do the world some good, maybe I should consider moving. Anybody know any Iranian fast-pitch softball teams looking for a catcher?

I would say...

Soon, with more better stuff.

... but, well, you know.