Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Be It So Resolved

I generally don't make New Year's resolutions. This is because I don't really care for New Year's as a holiday.

Don't get me wrong. I like having the day off, and I truly appreciate any day wherein the main activity is watching football. It's just that I find it a very flimsy type of holiday. Wow! We're turning a page on the calendar? Let's get drunk!

(You would think, from some of the stuff I've confessed to, that it would absolutely be my kind of holiday. Well, yeah, OK, maybe it should be. But it isn't. New Year's is amateur night. I went pro years ago, had a stellar career, retired, and was elected to the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. Watching the neophytes stumble around on December 31st is just painful.)

Be that as it may - and if you have more than three on New Year's, but never more than two on any other day, it is - I have decided that this is the year I will actually make a list of resolutions. And keep every damned one of them, too.

I promise to smoke at least 7,000 cigarettes.

Yes, that's a bold one to lead off with, but I'm going to do it. I know it seems highly improbable, and I dare say that there are few of you who could do it, but I'm basically willpower personified.

I will eat at least 100 pounds of red meat.

I could have gone higher - heck, that's only about 1/10 of a cow - but the first resolution was so stunning, I'm willing to cut myself some slack on this one.

I vow to drink 100 gallons of milk, 15 gallons of cream, eat 25 pounds of refined sugar, and swallow at least 3 pounds of chocolate bon-bons.

This will not be easy, but I've got a plan. I'm going to do it gradually, meting out a bit of the task each day. Except for the bon-bons. With any luck, that part of it will be completed by January 3rd.

I will spend a minimum of 600 hours on my couch, sluglike, watching other men sweat on my television.

Actually, that sounds as though I'm going to invite guys over to exercise and then drip all over my set, but you understand what I mean. I expect to have a full 5% of this one completed by the end of the first day. Yes, it will take a gargantuan and superhuman effort on my part, especially considering that I'll have to get up every so often to light cigarettes, eat hot dogs, put cream in my coffee, and grab another bon-bon, but I have faith in myself.

Now, some of you are no doubt saying, "Good Lord! This guy is going to be dead before May!" Yes, it may seem as though I'm setting the bar a bit too high for myself, and the stress associated with completing these tasks might kill a lesser man, but I figure if you're going to make resolutions, you may as well make them worthwhile and a true test of your character. If I fail, it will be a noble failure. Anyway, I'll relieve a bit of the pressure by lowering the bar a bit on my next resolution.

I promise to flip the bird to at least 12 other drivers.

That's only one a month. I have no doubt that opportunities will abound, and, if I put my mind to it, I could probably finish this one off in a single day. But, I'll let moderation be my watchword.

I swear to, at least twice, let the laundry pile up on my bedroom floor to a minimum height of four feet.

This one seems rather easy, but the laws of physics tend to work against you. Unless you let stuff get really stiff and crusty, the pile tends to topple before reaching the required height. I'll try my best, though.

I will look at the broken air conditioner, the broken television, the fourteen empty packing boxes, and the frame leftover from the no-longer-used futon in the back bedroom, and think about throwing them out.

Even without making a resolution concerning it, I've done this one at least 100 times over the past two years. I'm sure I can make enough of an effort to do so one more time in 2009.

OK, so some of you (all of you, if you have any brains) have come to the conclusion that I'm being facetious. I can't help it. I was born that way. However, in order to make your trip here something other than a total waste, here are some resolutions that, while actually hard for me to keep, I'll really and truly give my best shot.

During the roughly 52 trips I make to the supermarket to buy groceries, I'll actually NOT buy the cookies 5 times.

Every time I hit the cookie aisle, I tell myself that I don't really need to buy any. This year, I will steel myself and NOT buy the cookies once or twice. No, wait a minute, I said 5 times, didn't I? Whew! That was a fairly rash promise, but I guess it's too late now, having declared it in a public forum and all. I guess I have to do it. 5 times it is!

I will tell myself to start getting in shape for softball season, once every week, between now and March 20th.

You do realize that the expenditure of energy involved in this mental effort will burn a bare minimum of 15 calories, right? I'm exhausted already! And I should note that this will insure that, by the time the season begins in April, I will have done more than 90% of my teammates.

Finally, I absolutely vow to write a minimum of 100 blog entries that will be of interest to nobody, utterly inane, and serve no other purpose than to entertain myself.

If you're reading this after January 1st, you can make it 99.

Soon, with more better stuff.


Shrinky said...

Oh Jim, I just LOVE these resolutions - my favourite is the endeavour to get your undies nasty and crusty enough to stand up on their own. Mrs. Suldog will be so proud, I'm sure.. in fact you may think to add in a sub-resolution with that one - You resolve to keep a second bedroom in the garage for those ocassional evictions you find yourself on the brunt of?

Michelle H. said...

I feel sorry for the bird. Think how he feels being juggled in your hands while driving. At least he will only get sick 12 times.

Have a Happy New Year.

lime said...

you know, i am pretty sure you'll fail on that last one. you may generate 100 inane posts, but they will be of interest to me since i was also born with the inane and facetious genes. sorry to break it to ya. and may i say you have inspired me...i may need to break my long streak of not making new year's resolutions just so i can do a list like this. then again....maybe not...i'm still feeling pretty lazy.

Jeni said...

Now those resolutions look to be the kind I could handle -with the exception of the getting in shape for softball season. But I suppose I could just simply substitute there and say "just getting in shape for anything" couldn't I? The neat thing, since your resolutions seem to fit along with what mine would be -were I one to make resolutions and actually attend to keeping them -is that we could work jointly on this effort thereby assuring each other of success, couldn't we?
Peace, and have a very Happy New Year!

Buck said...

New Year's is amateur night. I went pro years ago...

You sound EXACTLY like my Ol Man with that. And that's a compliment, Jim... not an insult.

7,000 ciggies isn't as hard as it seems. Less than a pack a day, if my Bill Gates-provided calculator is accurate. I'd be right witcha if I still had my wind, yadda, yadda. I miss 'em terribly but I can't go back... :-(

Karen said...

Now that's a list to be proud of! Best of luck on each and every one. You've inspired me to make my first ever resolution: I will spend three hours a day MORE on the internet than I already do. (Hey, a gals gotta sleep!)

Unknown said...

But if you spend time trying to get in shape it is going to seriously impact the former resolutions you made to slug about, eat fatty foods and smoke. Since those came first, aren't they more important? What to do...???

I guess there are tradeoffs with everything but I trust you will do your best to keep them all. Make sure in the "utterly inane" posting you keep us all abreast of the status.

Suldog said...

Ha! You said, "A Breast!" Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.

Saz said...

Yeah! my kind of guy!!!!!

Angie Ledbetter said...

LOL, first honest set of resolutions I've ever seen. Hope you reach all your goals, Suldawg, and rest happily in the BOSOM of success!

Chris Stone said...

hey... can i use your list? well. except for the cigarettes red meat milk and strange men sweating all over the t.v. (eww.) maybe i'll just flip other drivers off. except it needs to be a honk and flip.

happy new year!

Anonymous said...

I suppose the whole point of making resolutions is to break 'em in the shortest possible time just to show the world how abso.bloody.useless they are. It's like saying, hey, I know I have bad habits, but that's me...love me love my nicotine [you don't have to kiss me] and fat belly ['Am I too heavy?' Tough]and crusty clothes [Get out of my bedroom]

I'm for any of your posts, whether you say they are inane or not.

Concord Carpenter said...

I'm with you on the cookies except for me its pretzels!

tshsmom said...

"I promise to smoke at least 7,000 cigarettes."
AMATEUR! I smoke 1 1/2 packs/day, which totals 10,950.

"I promise to flip the bird to at least 12 other drivers."
I'm trying to cut back to 1/week, and I live in a small town. ;)

"I swear to, at least twice, let the laundry pile up on my bedroom floor to a minimum height of four feet."
This really happened at my house! In a moment of foolish bravado, I resolved to quit picking up my husband's dirty clothes. The hamper is just around the corner for pity's sake! I gave up when the stack crested above the edge of the bed.

"During the roughly 52 trips I make to the supermarket to buy groceries, I'll actually NOT buy the cookies 5 times."
I've already accomplished this one. This fall, while cutting our budget, I resolved to bake instead of buying treats for the family. My guys are happy and so is the budget. Now, if I could just cut the smokes out of the budget...

This is the BEST list of resolutions I've EVER seen!

Balcony Gal said...

Great list, Suldog. I'm all over the sweaty men on the TV. As long as they are in green (which they are while I'm typing) then all is good. Good luck with your resolutions. Looks like you may have yourself some winners this year.

Antonio said...

Feliz ano novo em 2009 tudo de novo
Brasil TB.esta aqui

Janet said...

I've taken care of the bonbons for you. Oh, wait, I guess this was a 2009 resolution. Oh, well, time to make the third batch of fudge.
Yes, it's me again. HA! You thought you were rid of me didn't ya?
So sorry, but I have to root for Vandy today - I mean, good Lord, it's our first bowl game since 1982. And I think the 4th ever.

Shammickite said...

I think I used to know someone who made exacttly the same new year resolutions.
He died.

Carolina said...

Nice to find your comment on my Blog. You're right, I am Dutch. Hope you understand my poor attempt to write in English. I don't know which strange paths I followed anymore, but I stumbled upon your blog this morning and really enjoyed reading about your New Year's resolutions. Very funny indeed. Hope you will still be able to 'blog' after May next year ;-)
Anyway, I expect that my blog www.brinkbeest.blogspot.com will not be of great interest to your readers because of the languagebarrier. Maybe an incentive to finally learn Dutch, something you ofcourse allways wanted to do? You can allways look at the pictures. No naked ladies though. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

Dude. You rock. Your values are what all people should aspire to: cookies, sloth, food, and self indulgence of all kinds. I resolve, in 2009, to learn at your feet! Have a wonderful new year, and stay off the streets--those people out there don't know what they're doing.

Suldog said...

Just a friendly answer to a point raised by Shammickite:

"I think I used to know someone who made exactly the same new year resolutions. He died."

I expect he did.

Another fellow who pledged to eat nothing but alfalfa sprouts, drink only purified water, exercise for an hour five times a week, stop smoking completely, and a whole scad of other healthy things, also died. We all do.

I realize that we could get into a discussion concerning length of life and quality of life, but fuck that. I want a cookie.

RC said...

keeping tack of all that sounds like a challenge.

and only 100 pounds of red meat --- that's WEAK!

Woman in a Window said...

Suck lofty goals! And may you live to blog about them!

(Hey, I thought of you today as I wrote something about being naked. I was however only about 10 at the said time of nakedness and it was really only a pencil drawing some perv made of me then but hey, I thought of you, right?)

Cath said...

Just perfect.

My sort of resolutions. Inspired Jim, as always.
Thanks for a great giggle, nay, guffaw! on the first day of the month, nay, YEAR!

Now go rest. You must be exhausted.

Michelle H. said...

Happy New Year Suldog!

David Sullivan said...

You are a piker cuz. I'll do twice the amount of everything except for smoking. You got me on that one. Happy New Year! (Lets do a sox game this year)

Shammickite said...

He really did die!!!

i beati said...

I had to lie down after reading these. Seeing how I've probably done them in the past and you too we must be quite exhausted.

To you and yours plenty of blessings this bright new page ok??

Hilary said...

Well you already blew that last one. And it's partly your fault that I messed up last year's resolution to spend less time online. Best reason ever though. Happy New Year, Sully.

Ericka said...

i've learned my lesson - NO resolutions. ever. it's fun helping others break theirs though. is that bad?