Sleeveless Sox

You’re a nice person, aren’t you? You’re willing to cut me some slack, right?

I’m having some trouble getting this writing thing together, write at the moment. I want to tell you all about the time I spent as a dishwasher, but I just plain do not feel like writing much write now.

(OK, I’ll stop misspelling “right”. Sorry.)

I don’t want to half-ass it. I want to give you enjoyable, well-written stuff. So, I have to beg your indulgence and ask you to come back on Monday for the dishwashing story I've been promising you. I’m hoping that I find a whole slew of inspiration over the weekend, and that my job – you know, the thing that pays the rent – evens out a bit and doesn’t leave me mostly exhausted each night, as I have been for most of this week.

(That’s why all the reprints this week, you know. I’m exhausted. Lazy, too, of course, but mostly exhausted.)

So, Monday = Dishwashing Story. I semi-promise!

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In the meantime, I need to talk about the Red Sox.

(I've picked up a whole slew of new readers from places like Australia and England and Austria. This will mean just about nothing to most of them. Oh, well. They can feel free to tell me all about the Geelong Cats or Aston Villa or whatever they watch in Austria aside from the German border.)

(By the way, I actually own an Aston Villa scarf. I got it when I was in England around 1971. I'm not a huge soccer ["football", to everybody in the world aside from Americans] fan, but I do follow them as I'm able. Results are spotty to come by over here, and the only time I can watch the team is if they're on a Pay-Per-View, so I don't, but I own the scarf!)

Anyway, the Red Sox are now leading the Yankees by a game-and-a-half. They led them by as many as 14 games earlier in the year. Panic is setting in. Some Sox fans are reserving spots on the Tobin Bridge for jumping at a later date.

There's a lot of blame to go around for this sad state of affairs.

For one thing, Manny Ramirez has been missing from the line-up for 21 games now. His bat is integral to the success of this team. Take him out of the spot between Ortiz and Lowell? Not good. Jacoby Ellsbury has been a nice surprise, no doubt, and his glove is better than Manny's, but he doesn't have half Manny's power and - this is most important - Manny is one of the all-time great RBI guys. Show Manny some runners in scoring position and his average goes up something like 50 points.

(Should Manny be sucking it up and playing, despite being hurt? You never can tell with Manny. He might just be enjoying an extended vacation of sorts or he might really be so hurt he can't play. That's part of the deal when you have Manny on your ball club. It's sort of like being a Catholic. You have to accept everything on faith.)

The team is also missing Coco Crisp (THE best name in all of baseball) and Kevin Youkilis. Who do you have replacing them? Folks like Brandon Moss and Eric Hinske. Personally, I don't think Hinske should even be on a major league roster yet, let alone in your line-up during a heated pennant race. Moss? Another triple-A player. It's as though the Sox have decided that it wasn't challenge enough to beat the Yankees with their regulars, so they're seeing if the PawSox can do it.

Then, there's Eric Gagne.


Gagne came to the team with impressive credentials. He was lights out for the Dodgers a few years back. He was having a decent season for the Rangers. We gave up Kason Gabbard, a fine young starter, for what was hoped to be the absolute clincher in the bullpen. It has not turned out that way. As a matter of fact, it hasn't even come close. Gagne is a complete bust.

Take the four games Gagne has blown since coming to the team, transfer them from the loss column to the win column, and not a single fan would be looking to add arsenic to his meals come October. If there is any one reason why Red Sox fans are considering laying themselves down in front of a Red Line train, it is Gagne.

Well, I'm here to tell you that I have the answer to Gagne's problems. Here it is. Get the man a shirt that fits.

I'm as serious as a heart attack. Have you seen the way this guy fidgets and squirms on the mound before delivering a pitch? He pulls on his shirt, tugs at his pants, and then, before EVERY PITCH, he throws his arm up into the air above his head to adjust his damn baggy uniform. Well, of course, he has to bring his arm back down before throwing the ball and then his uniform is in the way again.

I'm NOT joking.

I say cut his sleeve off entirely so he doesn't have to fuck with it. There's precedent for such a thing. Look at Ted Kluszewski.


Big Klu played many outstanding years for the Cincinnati Reds. As you might imagine, he was a power hitter. Early on, he decided to cut off the sleeves of his uniform in order to give his massive guns more freedom of movement.

I say that Gagne needs to do the same thing, at least for the one arm he uses.

Bottom line for the Sox? They make the playoffs and we'll see what happens after that. I still say they win the division, but only if Gagne gets a new shirt.

See you Monday with a dishwashing story.