More Evidence To Be Used Against Me In Future Competency Hearings

Who's Yo Mama? has tagged me for a meme. Since I figure there's nothing in this entire world that you'd rather do with your time than read all about ME, I'll play along.

Now, the original instructions included a directive to tag five others after I'm through. However, I'll adopt the Mushy doctrine. He generally leaves it up to his readers to take a meme and either run with it or ignore it completely. So, if you want to take a shot at it yourself, feel free. If not, that's OK, too. Your mind will probably be totally numb after reading this load of gibberish, anyway.

Without further ado (Just what is it, exactly, that you have against ado? What has ado ever done to you? I say let ado do what ado does!) here's the, uh... thing.

What were you doing 10 years ago (5 Things)

1. I don't have five things. I was doing pretty much all the same crap I'm doing now, except for blogging. Instead of blogging, I was taking a nap. That's why I'm a cranky blogger. I'm not getting enough sleep.

2. I suppose I could make up all kinds of cool stuff and you'd never know the difference. Yeah, let's go with that.

3. I was touring with Fifty Cent. Back then, he called himself DJ Spare Change. And he was really into Klezmer. I set him straight. Word.

4. In my free time, I was working on my rebuttal to the theory of relativity. If I hadn't rebutted it as thoroughly as I did, then you'd be able to go back in time and disprove this claim. You can't, of course, so I therefore did one damned good job of it.

5. I eradicated the dread disease known as Frogballs (Testes Amphibiosum). I'm probably responsible for your children being alive today, as a matter of fact. Not that that had anything to do with Frogballs. Ask your wife.

What were you doing 1 year ago (5 Things)

1. See above, except I was blogging by that time.

2. I could make up even more outrageous lies. Yeah, let's go with that.

3. I went back in time, erasing all evidence of my previously having disproven the theory of relativity. I then went into the future and took over the world. I'm still there. When you get to 2026, look me up. I'm now known as Emperor Suldog.

4. I invented a totally new disease known as Porcupine Boobs (Breastesus Larryfine). The details are rather gruesome. All you really need to know is that the disease will affect every woman on Earth within the next five years and the only preventative is to have sex with me. I'm now accepting appointments for innoculations.

6. I decided, as Emperor in 2026, to abolish the number 5. Get used to it now and you'll be better off, believe me.

Five Snacks You Enjoy:

1. Well, see, that last joke would work one hell of a lot better if the rest of these categories weren't "Five... " whatever"

2. Oh, well.

3. I'm just dashing this off during my lunch hour, so I didn't have time to think it through completely.

4. Peanut Butter and Saltines with Chocolate Milk.

5. A bag full of toenail clippings. Or maybe a sticky bun. Yeah, let's go with the sticky bun.

Five Songs That You Know The Lyrics To:

1. Highway Star by Deep Purple.

2. Frogballs. Hah! I think it's funny, even if you don't.

3. I don't really know why, it just is.

4. Do frogs actually have balls?

5. If not, how do they play golf?

Five Things You Would Do If You Were A Millionaire:

1. Take a nap.

2. Take another nap.

3. Turn a frog over and have a look.

4. Neuter every person in the world who thinks that "loose" is spelled with one "O".

5. Let the people who think that "lose" is spelled with two "O's" tremble in anticipatory fear.

Five Bad Habits:

1. Smoking.

2. Eating bags full of toenail clippings. Or a sticky bun.

3. Threatening to neuter people because of spelling mistakes.

4. Putting your psychoses on public display.

5. Dropping acid before writing a blog entry.

Five Things You Like To Do:

1. Smoke.

2. Eat a bag full of toenail clippings. Or a sticky bun.

1. Smoke.

2. Eat a bag full of toenail clippings. Or a sticky bun.

5. Randomly Cut And Paste Stuff.

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again:

1. A Jello Thong.

(No, wait a minute, that was actually pretty nice. Let's start again.)

1. A Chest Toupee.

2. Wolf*

3. A baby's arm holding an apple.

(The first person to get that reference will prove an amazing knowledge of arcane 70's music, thus proving that you wasted your time then almost as much as I did. Congratulations, fellow proto-slacker!)

1,453,276. Out My Welcome (although it's probably too late for that.)

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OK, that's enough. There were four or five other categories in the original meme, but I started ignoring that almost from the start, so if you want to get the whole thing, go see Kuanyin. I hope she'll forgive me for ripping her nice friendly meme to shreds. If not, she'll have hell to pay when 2026 rolls around. That's all I'm saying.

* Wolf. Wear? Wolf? See what I did there? Wear Wolf? Ah, skip it.