Too Many Parentheses? Hey, It's Called "Style", OK?

I was interviewed yesterday by Janet Fuller of the Chicago Sun-Times. Her specific area of enquiry concerned my predilection for fruitcake. Today, her article was published. The main thrust concerned the lovely and generous Isabelle of Mondo Fruitcake, and well it should have. I got a mention, but my sparkling wit must not have sparkled very much in the phone interview; no quotage of yours truly.

However, she did give out the address to this blog, so I'se gwynne be famous in de midwes'!

(I don't know why I suddenly shifted into a pattern of speech like Jim from Huckleberry Finn, but that's the sort of thing that will happen every so often here, so if this is your first time at Suldog-O-Rama - and God only knows why, but you plan on returning - get used to it.)

(Also, get used to many parenthetical sentences, most of them run-on and the others ending prepositions with.)

(And there will also be at least one totally unrelated digression per posting. For instance, I've been thinking about how most folks have their links to other bloggers listed in alphabetical order. Naturally, "Suldog-O-Rama" ends up somewhere near the bottom. I'm considering changing the name of this blog to "Aardvark-O-Rama" so I can get more hits.)

(And why not? As a title, it makes about as much sense as "Suldog-O-Rama" does. Of course, then I'd be wasting all of the goodwill I've built up around the brand name "Suldog-O-Rama".)

(Insert self-deprecating joke here.)

(As opposed to self-defecating.)

(I've completely hit rock bottom. Here I am with a chance to impress all sorts of new readers from Chicago - not to mention Rock Island! - and I've resorted to scatology this early on. God, Moline, even! You're blowing it, Jim! Come ON! Step it up and give them something to prove that you deserve the reputation you've got. Show 'em your chops!)

(Oh, No!!! Cheap visual puns?!? You have to be able to do better than that, you bozo! Think! Think!)

(The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two adjacent sides.)

(Oh, for goodness' sakes, you couldn't remember that in 7th grade when you needed it, but you're going to throw it in here now, when readers are leaving your site like so many lemmings over the side of a cliff?)

(Aaaaarrrggghhhh! Bad analogy! Bad analogy!)

(Did I just use "anal" twice in one sentence? Shit. Shit.)

(Shit.)

I'm a nice guy. I give to the Salvation Army and the Jimmy Fund and I don't kick babies as much as I used to. I've never eaten a cat - alive. I... I...

(Well, now you're just begging. [I would have said "pandering", but that would call for the following photo...


...and that's too bad of a pun even for me.] You might as well wrap it up, pal. There's nowhere to go from here but downhill.)

I still say the Celtics can win the NBA Championship!

(Oh, God, help me! If you get me out of this, I'll go to mass every Sunday and give you 25% of everything I win on the lottery. I'll donate three hours every year to helping out at homes for unwed mothers - unless they recognize me - and I'll never again say a bad word about that bitch Hillary Clinton. Please help me, God! Please!)


Aaaarrrggghhh! It's a dead rat! That's what I get for praying? Hey, thanks a lot, God!

(Oh, wait a minute. It's a kitten. A very cute kitten. A kitten so cute that anything anybody saw or read just a minute earlier will be totally blocked from their minds and they'll go away from here utterly satisfied and happy. OK, Jim, play it cool. All you need to do now is wrap it up with something that will appease the folks you pissed off with your semi-blasphemous rantings. Don't blow it.)

Thanks, God! You're the bestest God there is!

(There! That ought to hold the miserable midwestern sonsabitches!)

(D'Oh!)