The Tally

Disclaimer: Generally speaking, I’m not one for making lists of what presents I received and bitching about whatever I may not have received. In case you didn’t read the previous piece here, I’ll tell you my philosophy concerning gift-giving: All gifts are good and I always appreciate whatever anyone has been kind enough to give me. However, since you’ve been privy to my requests for certain items, I thought it would be only fair to fill you in on how those requests turned out.

Here’s the tally sheet for Christmas 2006.

I received one fruitcake and a gift certificate that could be used for another fruitcake. These were received gratefully – very gratefully – and thank you, Uncle Jim and Sister-In-Law Victoria! However, it is not enough fruitcake. What is enough fruitcake? I don’t know and at this rate I’m not going to find out anytime soon.

(I do have more possible fruitcakes and remnants of fruitcakes coming, however, and if I get them and I reach my limit, I’ll be sure to let you know - if I can still wedge myself close enough to the keyboard to write about it.)

My taste in music must be truly horrendous. Of the 10 CDs I requested on my Christmas list, I received two. I also received an I.O.U. for one, along with enough money to buy it, and that’s why I say my taste must really suck. My Mom tried to get one from the list, but she couldn’t find a single one of them at the place where she shopped. I think she also related a story about how the clerk (or some other dim bulb) in the store snickered at her when she asked about them, but I prefer not to think about my mother being abused in such a fashion.

(Not that I prefer to think about my mother being abused in any fashion.)

My brother-in-law found the two I did receive. You need to understand something concerning my brother-in-law, in order to know how much of a loving gift it was that he gave me. He was, at one time, a professional music critic; a record reviewer for, among others, The Boston Phoenix. Now, it probably didn’t hurt his ego too much to purchase The J. Geils Band CD he gave me, but he also gave me one of the Grand Funk CDs I requested and I know how embarrassing it must be to take one of those up to the checkout counter in this day and age, so I really appreciate his effort on my behalf.

As for the rest of the gifts I received this year, they were given with love and received in the same way. I don’t want to start describing any of them in a special way because that would make it seem as though the other fine gifts I got were somehow lesser. They weren’t. I’ll make one exception, though, because I think many of you will get a kick out of hearing about it.

My Mom, when she wasn’t being laughed at by music store cretins, bought me a chess set. I like chess, I play a fair game, and I’ve got a ten or twelve book library on theory, so it wasn’t a great stretch to know that a chess set might be something I’d use. The type of chess set she got me is what makes it interesting. It is a Red Sox vs. Yankees chess set.

Each team’s manager is the king. The queen is the pitcher, which makes sense for a baseball team because what other player decides the outcome of the game as often as the pitcher, and I think this one looks like Pedro, actually, so the queen is a diva. Batters are bishops, outfielders are knights – I’ve seen Manny drifting under a fly ball in a two steps forward and one to the side fashion, so that’s no stretch – and the mighty rooks are the equally tough and somewhat immobile catchers. The pawns are all infielders. I guess that leaves me to be Theo Epstein, generally managing my forces to victory.

The only problem I can foresee is finding someone in Boston who will be willing to play the Yankee side of the board without throwing the game.

MY WIFE and I don’t exchange gifts until The Feast Of The Epiphany, also known as Little Christmas, which is January 6th. This means that there’s still time this Christmas season for you to send me more fruitcakes. If you love me, it’s either that or Alice Cooper. You should decide which one would embarrass you to a lesser degree and then act accordingly. I’d do the same for you if you liked spotted dick and Milli Vanilli.