Suicide Note

I've spent most of my life reading the funny pages
By the light of my house burning down
And I don't expect to ever get out of this town
With my sanity
I'm a hustler who's hustled by fools and by sages
In a get-rich-quick state of desire
But I don't regret being all full of the fire
Of humanity

In the darkness of night popping pills to get knocked out
Counteracting the speed I just took
With a quick glance at the back pages of the good book
I'm anesthetized
And a couple of bucks earned with my conscience blocked out
Beats an honest job most any day
But it's not something you want to admit that you say
When you close your eyes

And the years keep on passing with gathering speed
While the fears keep on mounting, fulfilling a need
To be held; to be nurtured and not to succeed
It's a mystery

It was nice while it lasted, but now it's no fun
I'm too much of a coward to suck on a gun
But it's certainly over; all finished and done
I am history

So, how do I end it in a nice painless fashion
You know I don't want to leave a mess
Though I'm no longer a Catholic, I should confess
Just to hedge my bets
The time has come for me to take my chips and cash in
I was ahead, but now I'm a behind
I've got to go; I hope you understand and don't mind
I have no regrets

I've committed suicide now for thirty-five years
Via cigarette, Twinkie and meat
Some don't see it that way, but I know when I'm beat
And it's not so bad
So now I will continue and you should shed no tears
I'm enjoying my fat smoky life
No gas, guns or ropes, nor the edge of a knife
Dying's not so sad!

I'm not ready to check out, thanks for asking. I just came up with the first verse while driving to work today and decided to try and write a whole song when I got here. Not bad for thirty minutes. Horrible for anything longer than that.

I like my life. A lot. As a matter of fact, just yesterday morning I found out I won $50 in a free contest involving picking college football games against the spread. Of course, in the time I've spent entering such contests and making my picks and watching the games and checking the results, I could have had a real job that made me many thousands of dollars. But, see verse two.

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and eat a Twinkie, which is certainly better than the other way around. Soon, with more better stuff.

(By the way, in searching for an illustration to go with this, I entered "suicide" in Google Images and came up with the following FUNNY website. Go there and be truly amused - unlike here.)