George Bernard Golf Club Leans To One Side

Today, I am going to share with you one of the things MY WIFE and I do to keep a bit of fun in our marriage. I am going to show you how we make out our shopping lists.

"Shopping lists?" I hear you say, and I wish I hadn't because it means you're nearby and spying on me typing, so now I must find you and kill you.

(Sorry. Just be quiet for a little while and I'll probably forget about you.)

Yes, shopping lists. Our shopping lists are unlike any others. They are unique to the bizarre yet lovable world of us. For instance, what would you be inclined to buy if someone showed you a shopping list that included the following item?

What You Pay A Crow To Deliver A Speech.

You might be inclined to buy a straightjacket and a one-way ticket to Bellevue, but that isn't the correct answer. The correct answer is coffee.

"Whuthfuh? Coffee?!?" you say, even though you risk your life by doing so.

Yes, coffee. How does a crow vocalize? It caws. And if you were paying a crow to speak, it would be a caw fee. Get it? Caw Fee. Coffee.

If that doesn't do it for you, try this one.

Sophia Loren Has Big Ones And She Can Actually SEE You With Them!

No, I'm not suggesting that she has some sort of weird mammary extra-sensory perception. It's another clue! What would you buy now?

Italian Ice. The answer is actually "Italian Eyes" and you just have to make a small linguistic jump from that to the food item.

(Of course, in the above instance you might need some knowledge beforehand about what food items we often buy. If you never buy Italian Ice yourself, then you might never figure that one out. We do, though, so it works.)

Some of the clues are rather mundane, since it's nearly impossible to be original and witty all the time - as is proven almost daily by this blog. Anyway, take this for example:

Musical Fruit

That would be Baked Beans. If you were raised in a polite family, you may not know why. Allow me to elucidate.

Beans, Beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
Let's eat beans at every meal!

(There's an alternate that begins "Beans, Beans, good for the heart", and you can no doubt fill in the rest.)

Let's see if, given the following short list, you'd come back from the store with the proper items. Some are easier than others, of course.

Already Married.

He Died On The Cross For A Neutral European Country, But Not The United States.

Dorsey's Pedal Extremities.

What A Baby Goat Says To Multiple Grandmothers.

Bluto's Downfall.

What A Philadelphian Says To Get Ederle's Attention.

Here's what you should have bought: Cantaloupe (Can't Elope), Swiss Cheese (Swiss Jesus, without the "US"), Tomatoes (Tommy Toes), Bananas (Baa, Nanas), Spinach and Yogurt (Yo, Gert!). Of course, you'd have to be familiar with quaint old-timey marriage customs, European political history, Christianity, big band music, animal sounds, Popeye cartoons, Olympic swimmers and Philadelphian idiomatic expressions. If you weren't, you'd have no chance whatsoever. The list has to be customized to match education and background. For example, you might have said Chong's Pedal Extremities, if your partner were a stoner from the 70's, or That Cheese With All The Holes In It, Man, if your partner were actually Tommy Chong.

After a while you have to become very creative. If you buy the same thing every week - milk, for instance - you have to come up with more and more convoluted ways of describing it. You could just write "Moo Juice" every time, but it's more fun to see if your partner can figure out First Person Singular Within A Slain Civil Rights Leader or Third Vowel In The Alphabet Near The End Of A Backwards Dutch Airline.

(In all instances, it helps if your partner is as insane as you are. Luckily, mine is.)

Well, that's all I've got for now. Go forth and confuse the hell out of your Extended Period Of No Food Confederate General.

(That would be Family. Get it? Famine Lee? Aw, skip it.)

(And not that you care by now, but the title of this piece translates to Shaw Ping Lists. Yes, shopping lists. Feel free to have a stiff one.)