Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Christmas Complaint Department




OK, fat boy, you asked for it. I told you I was an important blogger. And I told you if you didn’t bring me what I asked for, I’d expose you.

Well, not only didn’t you bring me all the things I asked for; you didn’t even bring me one of them! And I certainly wasn’t greedy. Let me remind you of my extremely reasonable requests…

1 – Ten million dollars in small unmarked bills

I could have asked for more, you know. After all, you make and deliver presents to billions of people each year, so you must have unlimited wealth. But did I find my stocking stuffed with cash? No. Instead, I found a lump of coal. Well, ha-ha-ha. I can take a joke. And if you’d delivered the other items on my list, I might not be writing this. But, no, not even ONE of them. And they were even easier than the cash! For instance…

2 – A house in Wellesley

Nope. No deed in my stocking. What the heck - Howie Carr has one. Why not me?

3 – A Rolls Royce Silver Shadow

I said to myself, “Well, that won’t fit in a stocking, so let me check the garage and see if it’s parked there.” What to my wondering eyes should appear? My 1997 Pontiac. I’ve got to tell you, I was very disappointed. The Silver Shadow hasn’t been manufactured since around 1980, so all I was asking for was a USED car. I’m not hard to please.

You had one more chance, but you failed to deliver on that, too.

4 – A contract to play for the Red Sox.

I remind you: I’m not unreasonable. I know I’m at least ten years older than anyone on the current roster and my fastball tops out at 55 miles per hour, so I didn’t expect to be a starting pitcher. I would have been happy to come out of the bullpen. Or, for that matter, third-string catcher would have been fine. All I really wanted was a chance to put on the uniform and get a good paycheck. And I’m not talking David Price money. I would have settled for Ryan Hanigan money. But not even that. Sad.

So, since you failed to deliver on any of my requests, I’m forced to dish the dirt on you and your sweatshop operation. For instance, I know that your elves aren’t union. And the “flying” reindeer? Well, I guess with what you put in their feed, that’s true in one sense, but…

(Hold on a minute. I see I just received an e-mail from the north pole. Claus must have thought it over, understood how much trouble I could cause him, and now he wants to apologize and make amends. Good. I’m glad he came to his senses. Let’s see what he has to say…)

Dear Jim:

You began your letter to me with a whopper. IMPORTANT blogger?!? Such a blatant untruth left me no choice but to put you on the naughty list.

Hmmmmmm. He has a point. I’ll have to make sure my letter to Santa next Christmas has no loopholes. Let’s see…

Dear Santa:

I’ve been a very good boy…

No, that won’t do. I’ll have to give this more thought. Luckily, I have another eleven months to figure it out. I should be able to come up with something ironclad by then.

Soon, with more better stuff.


9 comments:

Jackie said...

Wonderful read.
Perhaps I should start the countdown to Christmas 2016.
361 days, 15 hours and 11 minutes.....

Jeni said...

Thanks for putting into words what had been on my mind to ask Santa to bring me too -especially the money. Maybe if I had actually written the requests and mailed the letter, it would have had a different outcome but I was afraid of Santa's wrath so never wrote my letter of my wants, needs and wishes to him.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

Tell him how many times you've been published in the Herald.

Craig said...

It's always good to keep track of who has the real power in these situations. . .

;)

silly rabbit said...

Ha! Santa was very good to me, so I'll let you do the grumbling. ;)

Hilary said...

What does Santa know? Hopefully, you at least got some fruit cake this year. Goodness knows you're as nutty as one. ;)

messymimi said...

Santa's been in the business a long time, so good luck outsmarting him!

Absolut Ruiness said...

OK. You are funny. Really really funny. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for the chuckle that I have in my heart right now, which I didn't know I needed so badly until I had it. This post is the gift which Santa brought me and I'm absolutely not complaining. I've shared this post on my Facebook page. Everyone deserves a smile.

Ruby said...

Seems to be a reasonable request! Ah well, maybe next year :))
Happy New year Suldog!