Saturday, May 17, 2014
As You Read This, I Am Still A Contemporary Of Dave Barry (But Another 4,000 Paid Publications Or So & Maybe He'll Be A Contemporary Of Mine, Damn It)
I have a piece in the latest issue of Funny Times. As you might have surmised from the title of the publication in which it appears, it is allegedly funny.
I am pleased to be only 7 spots from Dave Barry in the front cover blurbs. I'm just 5 spots from Roz Warren! I'm 8 spots from Bruce Cameron, though. I think, in order to move up, I need to get some kids and write about them. Anyone have any for sale who won't mind being ridiculed in print? I'll go as high as ten bucks if they're particularly dumb but adorable.
You can go to the website and see my name in bigger print (but 9 spots from Barry, and 11 spots from Andy Borowitz; on second thought, I like the cover better.) You'll have to actually buy the thing to read my stuff. You should do that, of course. Not only will you get me (and Barry, Warren, Cameron and Borowitz) but there are scads of funny cartoons, other funny things that aren't cartoons, and even a publisher's statement and very few ads! All for just $2.99! My personal guarantee: Your money cheerfully refunded if you're a humorless grouch who doesn't laugh at least once.
(Well, not 'cheerfully'. I'd say more like 'begrudgingly, and don't expect it before 2017, you grumpy bastard, and I'll deduct for postage, too'.)
So, there you have it (and what more could you want, aside from unlimited wealth and peasants groveling at your feet?) As for me, I'm going to take a nap. It's exhausting being a contemporary of Dave Barry.*
Soon, with more better stuff.
* Small solace is gained via the knowledge that it's probably even more exhausting being Dave Barry. But, when I win my Pulitzer, I'll invite him over for pizza. That's more than he ever did for me.