Saturday, May 17, 2014

As You Read This, I Am Still A Contemporary Of Dave Barry (But Another 4,000 Paid Publications Or So & Maybe He'll Be A Contemporary Of Mine, Damn It)





I have a piece in the latest issue of Funny Times. As you might have surmised from the title of the publication in which it appears, it is allegedly funny.

I am pleased to be only 7 spots from Dave Barry in the front cover blurbs. I'm just 5 spots from Roz Warren! I'm 8 spots from Bruce Cameron, though. I think, in order to move up, I need to get some kids and write about them. Anyone have any for sale who won't mind being ridiculed in print? I'll go as high as ten bucks if they're particularly dumb but adorable.

You can go to the website and see my name in bigger print (but 9 spots from Barry, and 11 spots from Andy Borowitz; on second thought, I like the cover better.) You'll have to actually buy the thing to read my stuff. You should do that, of course. Not only will you get me (and Barry, Warren, Cameron and Borowitz) but there are scads of funny cartoons, other funny things that aren't cartoons, and even a publisher's statement and very few ads! All for just $2.99! My personal guarantee: Your money cheerfully refunded if you're a humorless grouch who doesn't laugh at least once.

(Well, not 'cheerfully'. I'd say more like 'begrudgingly, and don't expect it before 2017, you grumpy bastard, and I'll deduct for postage, too'.)

So, there you have it (and what more could you want, aside from unlimited wealth and peasants groveling at your feet?) As for me, I'm going to take a nap. It's exhausting being a contemporary of Dave Barry.*

Soon, with more better stuff.

* Small solace is gained via the knowledge that it's probably even more exhausting being Dave Barry. But, when I win my Pulitzer, I'll invite him over for pizza. That's more than he ever did for me.

14 comments:

Absolut Ruiness said...

You are so so funny Jim! Im glad I came across you!

Hilary said...

I am SO glad that you're being published in some fine places. You are among my three favourite humour (that two words in a row with that extra U) writers. W. Bruce Cameron is one of them and I live with the other one. You're in great standing. :)

Roz Warren said...

Yikes! You're gaining on me. (But when you win that Pulitzer, you'll invite me to the pizza party too, right?)

Suldog said...

Roz - You are definitely invited. Do you like anchovies?

Kerry said...

Jim, omg! We get the Funny Times & I'm looking at your name right now! And ROZ WARREN just left you a comment? wowwwww.

Tabor said...

You are a wit and I would be glad to give you fodder for your articles, but my grandchildren are all geniuses.

Roz Warren said...

Kerry why wouldn't I leave Jim a comment? Especially when there's pizza involved. :) I'm sure he'll be hearing from Dave Barry any moment now.

Buck said...

I'll keep my eye out for "Funny Times," although I doubt if it makes it this far into the wilderness (meaning I've never seen the mag in these parts).

Suldog said...

Roz - True story concerning Dave Barry. When I was younger...

(That is such a stupid way to start a story. What, like I could tell you a tale about when I was older? Doy.)

Anyway, I wrote Dave Barry a letter.

(There used to be this thing called "The Postal Service" that would take something you had written - and I mean with this thing called a pen? You may have heard of such things - and then they - and I'm not making this up, as Dave is wont to say - delivered it to any person whose name you wrote - again, with a pen, or even this really weird thing known as a pencil; it was wood stuffed full of lead. Yeah, I know! - on the envelope (which was this thing... Oh, to hell with it.)

I can't remember if I'm supposed be inside the parentheses or not. Anyway, the whole story is at...

http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com/2013/09/i-am-still-dave-barrys-contemporary.html

... and it's really a nice little story.

(Here I am back inside the parentheses. I could have just written out the story here, and saved us a whole bunch of travel time, but I recently had an offer from a marketing concern in Mauritania willing to pay me $3/day to run pop-up ads for on-line casinos, provided I could prove sufficient readership. I need the pageviews. Sorry!)

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

I'm sure I will receive my copy in the mail as soon as the letter carrier has finished reading it.

...and I like anchovies, particularly since I found that it means I usually get more than my fair share of pizza.

Craig said...

I'd happily donate a couple of my kids to you, if it'd help. . .

;)

Daryl said...

if i had kids, i would give them to you for free

Michelle H. said...

Sorry, I'm not donating The Overlord. She would probably be too much to handle and show off herself to boot. Congrats for the pubbed story!

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

I had to email them to ask when they are mailing my copy.

Oh, wait ...it isn't June yet.