Wednesday, December 18, 2013


I think I've found a new job. I'm stoked! It isn't in a field I had previously considered, but the idea came to me with such sudden force I believe it may have been the hand of God. Either that or the seven gin and tonics.

This new field of endeavor is entirely underpopulated with entrepreneurs. So far as I can tell, only ONE person has tried to make a living doing what I propose to do.

I am going to deliver presents to children on Christmas. The name of my new enterprise will be NOTCLAUS. It's an acronym. It stands for "National On-Time Christmas Livery Above United States".

The other guy uses his own image for publicity purposes, so I feel I should do the same (especially since I am a much more attractive person.) He's fat as hell, wears a really garish red suit with white fur trim, and appears to have not shaved in about 20 years. By contrast, I present an up-to-date business-like appearance. I am athletically trim for my age, wear clothes that say 'This guy is ready to sweat!', and my beard is the same type once worn by Tiger Woods. Unlike my competitor's strictly decorative headgear, my hat shows people up-front that I'm in the business of delivering presents.

(I was going to ask for some legal advice concerning my new business enterprise and these folks seemed as good as any to ask, but I want to get my operation up-and-running for the current season. I don't have the time to wait for so-called 'expert' opinions. If I run into any legal snags, I'll just utilize the services of these other folks.)

It seems to me the major snags involved are mostly legal. The other guy providing this service seems to be contravening a number of state and local statutes, to whit:

1 - He ignores speeding laws.

2 - His method of delivery involves trespass.

3 - He regularly transports livestock across borders.

4 - He is apparently involved in NSA-level spying operations. He is often cited as knowing, with certainty, who has been 'naughty' or 'nice'.

5 - He is suspected of employing slave labor.

In addition, there are nagging questions concerning possible breaking & entering, illegal immigration, lack of a passport, flying an aircraft unregistered with the F.A.A., and false advertising.

You're probably asking yourself how anyone could be in the business of delivering packages on Christmas and not be in danger of breaking all those laws. That's where my particular genius comes into play! I have devised an alternate method for delivery. It does not rely on any of the possible illegalities detailed above.

NOTCLAUS will deliver children's Christmas presents via guided missile.

At precisely one minute past midnight on December 25th, NOTCLAUS will launch a dedicated guided missile toward every home that signs up for our services. The missiles - with payload of x-boxes, i-phones, Betsy Wetsies and other cherished gifts - will speed down the chimney of our customers within fifteen minutes of launch. No need to leave bribes of milk and cookies for the delivery driver; there won't be one!

Aside from the paperwork, there's a teensy-weensy-teeny-tiny cost associated with start-up. That's why I'm telling you about this. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a business that is sure to take off (pun intended) and make all of the initial investors fabulously wealthy. So, what do you say? I figure if I can get 1000 of you to kick in $10,000,000 each, we can probably make this a reality (and have enough left over for a post-launch party at Denny's.)

There are only 6 days left before Christmas, though, so if we want to make this happen, we have to start NOW. Please leave your banking information in the comments section and I'll take care of the rest.


Santa Sully



Michelle H. said...

I'm in! My bank account is tied into a Nigerian banking windfall but as soon as my long-lost uncle who is a prince transfers the money into this new account in the Cayman Islands, I'll fund a couple of your missile launches.

Buck said...

Ah, Michelle beat me to the punch (and I would have put a reply under her comment but we can't do that any longer). MY funds are currently tied up in Nigeria, too... but just as soon as they're freed you'll hear from me.

Jeni said...

Oh, Jim! You have no idea in the world how much I enjoyed reading this today!!! I really needed a mood-brightener, a good pick-me-upper to give me the energy needed to get my holiday baking underway. However, isn't this sort of along the same lines as what Amazon had said they planned to do to deliver packages via drones? That might be a competition you may not want to tangle with, ya know, although the way it stands right now it appears to me they might have a monopoly on this delivery type and aren't monopolies illegal? Do what you can, as slightly underhanded as you can go and you might just be able to -as my little grandson would say "Take over the world!" Peace and again, thank you for sending me a major jolt and improving my somber mood!

Ami said...

I shan't comment on your career choice, for that is yours and you must do what works for you.

But regarding Nigeria.
My 2nd grade teacher, Emmaline Cooper, always pronounced it like
this... Nijjer E uh.
Nijj like 'nip' and the end like 'diarrhea'.
You'll never look at Nigeria the same way again, will you?

Daryl said...

i won the lottery so i am happy to invest .. wait, oh, damn .. i didn't win the lottery .. tough luck for us both, eh

Mariann Simms said...

Don't forget that he possibly mistreats animals...I'm doubting Rudolph's nose is nothing more than a surgically implanted high wattage lamp with a red cover. :)

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

Have you an alternative way for delivering to those without chimneys?

Jackie said...

Made me smile.
(Check the expiration date on your meds, though...)

Suldog said...

(not necessarily my) Uncle Skip - Yes. For a small additional fee, we will attach a temporary chimney to your dwelling. No need to have it removed after the holiday, either. The missile will take care of it.

messymimi said...

Although i am perfectly willing to give you moral support in your endeavor (cash being quite tight this season, i'm probably a million or so short), i must beg to differ with you about your competitor not complying with the FAA. The fact is, if you will read my blog on the upcoming Dec. 22 entry, that will be Santa Claus Flight Clearance Day, when the FAA makes certain he's cleared to fly, complete with his de-icing system, Terrain Avoidance Warning System, and his special seat belt extension. ;)

Craig said...

"The other guy providing this service seems to be contravening a number of state and local statutes". . .

To say nothing of the laws of physics. . .


Juli said...


Put me down for ten bucks.

Suldog said...

Mimi - I'm trying to raise money here. Facts don't interest me :-)

Anonymous said...

Ditto what Michelle said, but good luck! You've got the hat at least. It's a beginning!

Absolut Ruiness said...

This was such an interesting topic and you took it to the next level, completely! One of the funniest things to come out of you since the past few days (wink wink). Literally.

Hilary said...

Count me in. You do accept Canadian investors, don't you? Loonies for a loonie. :)

Suldog said...

Hilary - I accept investors from everywhere except the North Pole and Santa Claus, Indiana.

mary i said...

Only You.... I am also in. Check with my people in Nigeria. I also have a sick relative somewhere in the UK. I am sure they will back you . My pass word is:-------.

Maggie May said...

Aw....... the other guy's been doing it for years and would probably sue you over copyright. I wonder if he HAS copyright? Well..... maybe you could give it a go.

Good laugh!
Love your hat!
Maggie x

Nuts in May

barbicakes said...

You've been slurping too much spiked fruitcake lol

Agent 54 said...

Why didn't I think of that?

I'm going to start saving up for the $10,000,000.00 initial investment.

Looking forward to the post-launch party at Denny's.