I think I've found a new job. I'm stoked! It isn't in a field I had previously considered, but the idea came to me with such sudden force I believe it may have been the hand of God. Either that or the seven gin and tonics.
This new field of endeavor is entirely underpopulated with entrepreneurs. So far as I can tell, only ONE person has tried to make a living doing what I propose to do.
I am going to deliver presents to children on Christmas. The name of my new enterprise will be NOTCLAUS. It's an acronym. It stands for "National On-Time Christmas Livery Above United States".
(I was going to ask for some legal advice concerning my new business enterprise and these folks seemed as good as any to ask, but I want to get my operation up-and-running for the current season. I don't have the time to wait for so-called 'expert' opinions. If I run into any legal snags, I'll just utilize the services of these other folks.)
It seems to me the major snags involved are mostly legal. The other guy providing this service seems to be contravening a number of state and local statutes, to whit:
1 - He ignores speeding laws.
2 - His method of delivery involves trespass.
3 - He regularly transports livestock across borders.
4 - He is apparently involved in NSA-level spying operations. He is often cited as knowing, with certainty, who has been 'naughty' or 'nice'.
5 - He is suspected of employing slave labor.
In addition, there are nagging questions concerning possible breaking & entering, illegal immigration, lack of a passport, flying an aircraft unregistered with the F.A.A., and false advertising.
You're probably asking yourself how anyone could be in the business of delivering packages on Christmas and not be in danger of breaking all those laws. That's where my particular genius comes into play! I have devised an alternate method for delivery. It does not rely on any of the possible illegalities detailed above.
NOTCLAUS will deliver children's Christmas presents via guided missile.
At precisely one minute past midnight on December 25th, NOTCLAUS will launch a dedicated guided missile toward every home that signs up for our services. The missiles - with payload of x-boxes, i-phones, Betsy Wetsies and other cherished gifts - will speed down the chimney of our customers within fifteen minutes of launch. No need to leave bribes of milk and cookies for the delivery driver; there won't be one!
Aside from the paperwork, there's a teensy-weensy-teeny-tiny cost associated with start-up. That's why I'm telling you about this. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a business that is sure to take off (pun intended) and make all of the initial investors fabulously wealthy. So, what do you say? I figure if I can get 1000 of you to kick in $10,000,000 each, we can probably make this a reality (and have enough left over for a post-launch party at Denny's.)
There are only 6 days left before Christmas, though, so if we want to make this happen, we have to start NOW. Please leave your banking information in the comments section and I'll take care of the rest.