Sunday, December 08, 2013

How Did The Monkeys Get Up My Butt In The First Place?


I was having what passes for a conversation with Mariann Eperjesi-Simms. She informed me that she had written the first line of her novel. She did not divulge what that first line was, however, and I made a guess. She refused to tell me if I was right or wrong (which I suppose, given my penchant for plagiarism, was a prudent course of action.) She did, however, provide me with the impetus to write this post, so blame her for the three minutes you're about to waste.

I have come up with a few good (I would say "great", but I'll leave that up to you) opening lines for a novel. I absolutely guarantee that any one of these will get people to read your second line (which is, after all, what the first line is supposed to accomplish.)

(If you steal any of these, and your novel becomes a bestseller, this post will be my evidence when I sue the pants off you. You can save yourself the trouble if you send me your pants now.)

1 - The horses of my puberty had not yet reached the starting gate, but post time was near.

2 - I was sad that I had no hat, until I met a man who had no head.

3 - It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, we were manic-depressive.

4 - If it took ten bucks to get to Paris, I couldn't make it to Buzzards Bay.

5 - Gregor Samsor awoke to find he had been turned into a giant bug by some guy named Franz Kafka.

6 - His violin was strung with catgut and there was no appreciable difference in sound from when the cat was still alive.

7 - Breakfast was as breakfast always is - not quite lunch, but better than a kick in the balls.

8 - Something about the way she wore her hair made him want to blow up the post office.

9 - It was a bright sunshiny day, with birds singing happy tunes, and that made George want to fart.

10 - "Artichokes," he said, knowing full well she wouldn't believe him.

11 - Just because I threw my grandmother down two flights of stairs does that make me a bad person?

12 - In the grand scheme of things, Alex amounted to the dust in the cracks between the floorboards.

13 - I've never understood why spitting in the stuffing upsets so many people.

14 - The parade began and Stephanie could think of only one thing: this damn glockenspiel is irritating my left nipple.

And...

15 - As the monkeys flew out of his butt, he couldn't help wondering how they got in there to begin with.

So, with this ammunition at hand, I am now going to write 15 novels. Or maybe just bum around on Facebook for a while and get absolutely nothing accomplished. Six of one...

Soon, with less spit in the stuffing.

19 comments:

Mariann Simms said...

I did give the first line of my proposed novel. It might need work...but it's a start. :)

I like the stuffing one. :)

Karen said...

Haha... I think any of those would work for a great novel, but I'm partial to #3 :)

Buck said...

Number Three might could do for the book I never wrote. You remember this, right? ;-)

Suldog said...

Buck, indeed I do remember it. And it was damn good.

Hilary said...

These are wonderful and in perfect keeping with the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. The winners are hilarious and I know you'd do great.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

You'd be a shoe-in. Though I don't know how you'd have managed to get that shoe in either. :P :)

Absolut Ruiness said...

I laughed all the way to the bank and back while reading your post. A blood bank at that. Forget it. I can never aspire to be even as funny as the dust between your floor boards. "Just because I threw my grandmother down two flights of stairs does that make me a bad person?" doesn't quite fit in though. Loved your post today and I could read your novel full of just first lines!

Craig said...

#1 - . . . post time was near. . . Heh. I see what you did there. . .

messymimi said...

#4 i can relate to -- i don't have enough to get to Buzzard's Bay, either.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

What is it about monkeys and butts that makes them so funny when they're in the same sentence, ...but if you say monkey butt everyone gets really uncomfortable?

lotta joy said...

Is it plagiarism if I change one word or a comma? Because I could take off on my next book by using any of these! I love them.

The horses of my puberty had not yet reached the starting gate, but post time was near.
"Honeypot" was getting the most excited, while the larger and more exuberant "Night Sweats" was coming up strong on the inside.

Suldog said...

Lotta - If you want to take that one, use it as the first sentence in your next, then give me co-author credit, I'd be OK with that :-)

Daryl said...

i love these and cant wait to read the sequels

Lil said...

Number 3 is freaking brilliant!

Lil said...

Number 3 is freaking brilliant!

Jenny Woolf said...

At first I thought I'd seen #3 before, but then I realised I hadn't and it was my favourite! :)

Jackie said...

Take your meds.

Suldog said...

Jackie - I did. You should see what I write when I'm NOT on them.

Chris said...

The grandmother down the flight of stairs one has a distinct "Slightly twisted Holden Caulfield" feel to it.

My attempt:

For Miles Bergeron, it was a bright Southern California morning brimming with sunshine and promise, right up to the point where he flew over the handlebars of his Honda 750 and careened fifty yards down the 405 Freeway.

CiCi said...

#12 is my favorite. Let us know when you complete your 15 books, but I suggest you aim for 15 short stories.