Sunday, May 05, 2013

More Laughs Than You Can Shake A Stick At (If That's Your Idea Of Fun...)

I have a friend who needs a laugh. I'm not going to give a name here, but if you think it's you, you're right, and if you think it's someone else, you're also right.

So, anyway, I'm trying to come up with something really funny for this person, but I have nothing particular in mind to write about. I'm trusting that I can improvise well enough to do the job.

"But, Bullwinkle, that trick never works!"

"This time for sure! Nothing up my sleeve! Presto!"

(Outdated cartoon reference. Good start.)

(Actually, here's about the funniest thing I can come up with, which is to tell you the truth about me. I'm a self-involved self-important self-abusing ex-doper, with little real direction or ambition in life, so it's no wonder I'm floundering. I should just clam up. I'm probably giving you a haddock, but it's nothing personal. I'm just doing it for the halibut. Surely, salmon cares enough about me to keep on reading, even if it is getting hard to figure a trout. I know you're being scrod, and I didn't even buy you dinner first. Sorry! But I'm just flexing my punning mussels, so stop being such a crab.)

Yikes! I've got to come up with something better than that or the person I'm trying to make laugh will commit suicide instead. How about a succession of punch lines with no preceding jokes? Yeah, that will do the job, one way or the other. Here goes!

"I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear."

"“That's why it's the meanest animal in the jungle..."

"I don't know, either, but there's one crawling on your shoulder."

"That? That's the beer that made Milfamey walk us."

"Your mother's on the roof."

"You don't eat a pig like that all at once."

"OK, you're a taxi."

"To hold his pants up."

"He wanted to make time fly."

"A newspaper."

"A sunburned zebra."

"A nun falling down some stairs."

"A penguin being ripped to shreds by a polar bear in a tuxedo."

"To get to the other side."

"To prove to the possum that it could actually be done."

"Because she was safety-pinned to a punk rocker." 

"$25 an hour, if he's in the union."

"About three pounds, on average."

"Cut off his nose."

"And at these prices, you won't get many more, either!"

"Maybe I should have said 'DiMaggio?'"

"Not so fast, Johnson."

"Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for trids!"

"Because it's so hard to get the cows to squat over those tiny cartons."

"And such small portions, too!"

"Yeah, next year we're going someplace else."

"I make it up in volume."

"Well, I said 'Kidleys', didle I?"

"I'm a bus driver, lady, not a doctor. Try soaking it in some cold water."

"Oh, goodness, you can't see him from there! You have to stand on the bureau and turn your head just so..."




"You don't call him anything. He's not going to come to you anyway."

"Look at the elephants coming over the hill!"

"He didn't say anything. He didn't recognize them."

"By the footprints in the Jell-O."

"Anywhere he wants to."

"Two 400 pound canaries."

"No, I'm mad at my neighbor."

"Then don't do that."

"Well, sure, it's a great act, but what does he do for an encore?"

"Why? Is there one missing?"

"Well, it's infected and my doctor told me to soak it in warm liquid."

"Shhhhh! Everybody will want one!"

"The backstroke, I think."

"Well, why not? That's what you served me yesterday."

"I got a tapeworm and it's good enough for him!"

"A stick!"

"What do you think? Mr. Fink presses pants for free?"

"Hi. I'm the viper. Vere's the vindows vut need viping?"

"Compared to his brother, he was a saint!"

"So the bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"

"He had a hat."

"He stays up all night wondering if dog exists."

"So I bit him."

"Thank you for bringing my husband home, but where's his wheelchair?"

"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder..."

And if I had any better way to end this, you wouldn't need that gun. I will now tell you a complete joke. The reason I am doing it, rather than just giving you the punchline, is because just about all of you would ask me what the joke is that goes with the punchline if I only gave you the punchline.

A man is on a business trip in the far east. He's lonely one night, so he calls up an escort service and has them send a girl over. She doesn't speak English, but his intentions are clear and his money is good, so soon enough they're undressed and in bed together. They're both enjoying themselves mightily, she's panting and moaning, and then he consummates the situation. She starts screaming and saying, "Dahwoo Rishicki! Dahwoo Rishicki! Dahwoo Rishicki!"

The guy thinks to himself, "Wow! She's really getting into this! I must be really good!"

The next day, he's on the golf course with a client. The client tees up his ball, gives it a mighty whack, and it flies onto the green, takes two bounces, and goes right into the hole, an ace! The man, remembering how good he was the night before, and wanting to impress his client, says, "Dahwoo Rishicki!"

The client turns to him and says, "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

Soon, with more better stuff.


(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

I'm fairly certain I have heard the jokes that go with every one of those punchlines at least twice.
I'm going to suggest you talk (figuratively, not literally) with my friend the Brighton Pensioner about puns.

Michelle H. said...

Nice ones! I actually remember the "vindow viper" one although I can't think of the show it belonged to.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

I have no idea why I am up so early this morning
It sure wasn't because I wanted to see puns and the punch lines to a bunch of old jokes

OTOH - I hope your post has the effect you wish for
It seems to me you have more than one friend who could use a laugh
I am sure they appreciate the effort

Juli said...

"What do you think? Mr. Fink presses pants for free?"

I read it fast an thought it said "Pees pants for free." Ahhh... now there's a joke in the making. :)

Karen said...


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Ami said...

Hey, you got spammed up there ^.

I read ALL those punchlines, and I was disappointed because my favorite wasn't there.

"When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole."

Buck said...

You know a LOT more jokes than I do.

Matt Conlon said...

- So he said "Stop doing that!"

- He said "Okay, you're ugly too."

lime said...

dare i say, you have succeeded in spades at evoking laughter! what a good friend you are!

my personal favorites?


to which i am compelled to add...


and for the adventurous in humor like you...

the aristocrats

lime said...

oh and for a sea of puns, check this out

Suldog said...


(Translation: Perform an unnatural act upon yourself.)

Jackie said...

OK...this made me laugh!

messymimi said...

You are right, i would have asked about that last one. And been sorry...;)

Shammickite said...

You got me giggling. A bit.

Maggie May said...

I think we could all do with a laugh!
Maggie x

Nuts in May

Sandy Kessler said...

The Diamggio one threw me for a loop My friend is improving from the horrific accident

Daryl said...


Lil said...

Well, obviously Bullwinkle, that trick works just fine...

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

You forgot Spike!

OldAFSarge said...

Ah, the joys of Google Translate. Any one can play.

OldAFSarge said...

Okay. That was awesome.

Michelle H. said...

Could not have said it better...

Anonymous said...

I don't think you intended this for me, but thank you anyway!!

Jane said...

That's what she said.

Chris said...

"OK, you're a taxi" is funny without the joke.

Lot's of chuckles, Jim. I hope the intended recipient enjoyed them like I did.

Anonymous said...

Well it made me laugh ... ;)

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

:-D Definitely more than one chuckle here!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

With my vivid imagination, some parts of yer post had me cackling like an old whore.

Jenny Woolf said...

Haha! love the idea of the jokes leading up to the punchlines. Some of them suggested cartoons to me. You should run a contest with the best lead-ups winning a tickle stick. That was something that used to be sported by a comedian here. I never knew what it was because I didn't like the comedian so never watched him. But I used to imagine...

Char said...

HA! Good one. I actually resemble some of those punch lines. :)