Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Here's the stuff that piled up inside of my brain during the past week. Thanks for being my mental Ex-Lax.
1) Chris Mauger completed the Orange County Marathon in record time. Here's proof.
(That's hardly the best joke possible, but it's the best you're going to get. Meanwhile, the TV weatherman, whom MY WIFE is watching in the background, is predicting that today will have "below average highs". Given what you've read so far, I suspect you already knew that.)
Chris was running his first marathon ever, so it had to be a record for him. Nevertheless, it was an accomplishment of enormous proportion because Chris is no longer of enormous proportion. He lost a person over the past year, dropping about 100 pounds of In-N-Out Burger from his now svelte frame. The most weight I've ever dropped is twenty pounds, and it took withdrawal and major depression for me to do so. To lose 100 pounds, I'd have to chop off some major body parts.
As nice as Chris' accomplishment was, what he did during the race was even nicer. As a tribute to those people who lost their lives during the Boston Marathon bombing episode, he wore a Boston Red Sox baseball cap for his run. Inscribed on the cap were the initials of those four people. Since Chris is a proud New York Yankees fan, this was no small sacrifice.
(For those unfamiliar with the Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, think England vs. Germany in World War II. Most of the early victories belonged to Germany, but England kicked ass later on.)
(I used that analogy, rather than a more American one, because I have to assume you're from outside of the United States if you have to have Red Sox - Yankees explained to you.)
After the race, Chris had no earthly use for a Red Sox cap, so he sent it to me. That was sweet of him. I'll wear it proudly.
(The first thought I had when I took it out of the box was, "Hey! Now I can compare the size of my head to Chris Mauger!" So I tried on the hat. I'm here to tell you Chris Mauger has a gigantic squash. As could be inferred from any sampling of my writing, I have a swelled head. That hat, however, slipped down over my eyes when I put it on. I would estimate Chris's head to be about the size of a small watermelon. He's probably lucky he can stand upright, let alone run races. God bless him.)
One other thing to tell you connected with this: The modern world has once again gained the upper hand in its battle with me. I am unable to post a photo of the hat itself because I have no clue how to download the photo I took of it. The combination of my ancient camera (which contains a removable card) and my second-hand computer (which, much like me when it comes to prostate exams, refuses to accept insertions) has thwarted any and all attempts at bringing my photographic skills to this piece. Considering my past attempts at photography, this is some of the best news you're likely to receive today.
2) So, I was going to paste a photo here of a bottle of V-8 I purchased, but since the camera thing has me buckwheated (excuse me, stymied) ...
(Some jokes just aren't worth it. I mean, how many of you got that? Probably one or two, and it's hardly a guffaw; more of a weak chuckle, maybe. For those of you without a clue, enter "buckwheat stymie" in Google. I'll wait.
See? Those were two of the character names of the black kids from "The Little Rascals" films. And I pretended to be getting them mixed up with the words one would use to display one's ignorance concerning cameras! Ha-Ha-Ha!)
Anyway, my bottle of V-8 had this to say on the label:
Original - Now Better Tasting!
That's right up there with the e-mail MY WIFE received from a cosmetics company. In an attempt to sell her something, they promised a "Free gift with purchase of fifty dollars!" Well, no, that would not be free, nor would it be a gift. And combining the two words is redundant as well as repeating yourself, too.
3) The softball season of my 56th summer begins this coming Sunday.
That means this coming Monday you will be subjected to some sort of writing having to do with it. Just thought I'd give you fair warning.
4) Speaking of sports, The Boston Bruins!
Wow. Hard to imagine a more exciting ending to a playoff series. Game 7 vs. Toronto. The Bruins trail 4 - 1 in the third period. They rally to tie the game (the B's scored two goals in the final minute-and-a-half of regulation), send it into overtime, and then win it on a goal by Patrice Bergeron (and even though I've watched the guy play for years, and I know he's a he-man, I still picture someone skating in a skirt when I hear that name. Of course, I'm the guy who made the Buckwheat-Stymie joke up above, so I'm hopeless.)
We now get to play the New York Rangers in the next round. Woo-Hoo! While I don't look forward to the possible stoning we'll receive from Henrik Lundqvist (and there's a name with all sorts of joking possibilities) there's nothing more fun for a Boston sports fan than a series against a New York team. This city will be happily vitriolic for the next week or two.
5) Here is the most depressing news story I encountered yesterday.
It seems a woman assaulted a restaurant worker because she put too many pickles on her sandwich.
Apparently, things are back to normal around here. After being all buddy-buddy, what with the bombing deaths and mutilations, we are now punching each other because of overuse of condiments. I'd shoot myself, but I have a doubleheader Sunday.
6) Soon, with more better stuff.
Some lies never change.