Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Important Ephemera

Here's the stuff that piled up inside of my brain during the past week. Thanks for being my mental Ex-Lax.

1) Chris Mauger completed the Orange County Marathon in record time. Here's proof.

(That's hardly the best joke possible, but it's the best you're going to get. Meanwhile, the TV weatherman, whom MY WIFE is watching in the background, is predicting that today will have "below average highs". Given what you've read so far, I suspect you already knew that.)

Chris was running his first marathon ever, so it had to be a record for him. Nevertheless, it was an accomplishment of enormous proportion because Chris is no longer of enormous proportion. He lost a person over the past year, dropping about 100 pounds of In-N-Out Burger from his now svelte frame. The most weight I've ever dropped is twenty pounds, and it took withdrawal and major depression for me to do so. To lose 100 pounds, I'd have to chop off some major body parts.

As nice as Chris' accomplishment was, what he did during the race was even nicer. As a tribute to those people who lost their lives during the Boston Marathon bombing episode, he wore a Boston Red Sox baseball cap for his run. Inscribed on the cap were the initials of those four people. Since Chris is a proud New York Yankees fan, this was no small sacrifice.

(For those unfamiliar with the Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, think England vs. Germany in World War II. Most of the early victories belonged to Germany, but England kicked ass later on.)

(I used that analogy, rather than a more American one, because I have to assume you're from outside of the United States if you have to have Red Sox - Yankees explained to you.)

After the race, Chris had no earthly use for a Red Sox cap, so he sent it to me. That was sweet of him. I'll wear it proudly.

(The first thought I had when I took it out of the box was, "Hey! Now I can compare the size of my head to Chris Mauger!" So I tried on the hat. I'm here to tell you Chris Mauger has a gigantic squash. As could be inferred from any sampling of my writing, I have a swelled head. That hat, however, slipped down over my eyes when I put it on. I would estimate Chris's head to be about the size of a small watermelon. He's probably lucky he can stand upright, let alone run races. God bless him.)

One other thing to tell you connected with this: The modern world has once again gained the upper hand in its battle with me. I am unable to post a photo of the hat itself because I have no clue how to download the photo I took of it. The combination of my ancient camera (which contains a removable card) and my second-hand computer (which, much like me when it comes to prostate exams, refuses to accept insertions) has thwarted any and all attempts at bringing my photographic skills to this piece. Considering my past attempts at photography, this is some of the best news you're likely to receive today.

2) So, I was going to paste a photo here of a bottle of V-8 I purchased, but since the camera thing has me buckwheated (excuse me, stymied) ...

(Some jokes just aren't worth it. I mean, how many of you got that? Probably one or two, and it's hardly a guffaw; more of a weak chuckle, maybe. For those of you without a clue, enter "buckwheat stymie" in Google. I'll wait.

See? Those were two of the character names of the black kids from "The Little Rascals" films. And I pretended to be getting them mixed up with the words one would use to display one's ignorance concerning cameras! Ha-Ha-Ha!)


Anyway, my bottle of V-8 had this to say on the label:

Original - Now Better Tasting!

That's right up there with the e-mail MY WIFE received from a cosmetics company. In an attempt to sell her something, they promised a "Free gift with purchase of fifty dollars!" Well, no, that would not be free, nor would it be a gift. And combining the two words is redundant as well as repeating yourself, too.

3) The softball season of my 56th summer begins this coming Sunday.

That means this coming Monday you will be subjected to some sort of writing having to do with it. Just thought I'd give you fair warning.

4) Speaking of sports, The Boston Bruins!

Wow. Hard to imagine a more exciting ending to a playoff series. Game 7 vs. Toronto. The Bruins trail 4 - 1 in the third period. They rally to tie the game (the B's scored two goals in the final minute-and-a-half of regulation), send it into overtime, and then win it on a goal by Patrice Bergeron (and even though I've watched the guy play for years, and I know he's a he-man, I still picture someone skating in a skirt when I hear that name. Of course, I'm the guy who made the Buckwheat-Stymie joke up above, so I'm hopeless.)

We now get to play the New York Rangers in the next round. Woo-Hoo! While I don't look forward to the possible stoning we'll receive from Henrik Lundqvist (and there's a name with all sorts of joking possibilities) there's nothing more fun for a Boston sports fan than a series against a New York team. This city will be happily vitriolic for the next week or two.

5) Here is the most depressing news story I encountered yesterday.

It seems a woman assaulted a restaurant worker because she put too many pickles on her sandwich.


Apparently, things are back to normal around here. After being all buddy-buddy, what with the bombing deaths and mutilations, we are now punching each other because of overuse of condiments. I'd shoot myself, but I have a doubleheader Sunday.

6) Soon, with more better stuff.

Some lies never change.


joeh said...

Running 26 miles with a Red Sox hat...that is some sacrifice. If I had to, I guess I could get in shape after a years or so and squeeze out 26 miles, but with a Red Sox hat?

Not sure I could endure that.

Chris said...

Joke's on you, dude, I intentionally adjusted the Sox cap so you'd THINK I have a -- how did you put it - - gigantic squash, but in actuality . . .

Aw hell, you got me. You should see my baby pictures. I was about two before my neck muscles were strong enough to keep my noggin from flopping back and forth due to its disproportion.

And how about those Bruins? Man, that was a thrilling conclusion. And yeah, I've always thought that about Patrice Bergeron (and before him, the Canadiens' defenseman Patrice Brisbois). Those French sure give their sons sissy-names, don't they?

Lil said...

So before V8 tasted like what exactly? How can it taste better now if it's the same ingredients? Unless they added some weird chemical that will make us grow an extra head... all the better to drink more V8 with....

And the Bruins? Just wow.

Jackie said...

I'm so proud of Chris. I've been reading about his run and the cap on your blog, and I'm elated that he took on the task and accomplished it. My hat is off to him (no pun intended) and what a sweet gift he gave to you. Also, congrats to him on the weight loss. It's a battle I'm fighting. I've lost 15 pounds since January, and seem to be at a standstill with the loss. But I'm not giving up or giving in. It takes time. It took time to gain it; I figure it will come off about as slowing if I just persevere.
Good one with Buckwheat, Jim. Yep, I'm one of the 'older' ones that got it.
Love your writing....am always happy to see that you have posted. It boosts my day to read your work. You have talent.

Michelle H. said...

Great accomplishments for Chris! As for the Bruins, Bergeron better "berger-on" out the door and lose to the Rangers so he doesn't have to face the Penguins. Looking forward to your season reports of your softball games.

Buck said...

Hard to imagine a more exciting ending to a playoff series.

Mainly coz it had never been done before... a comeback after being down three goals in the third period of a Game Seven. Those poor Leafs fans.

Nah, I don't mean that "poor Leafs fans" shit at ALL. I hate me some Leafs and their fans (we have history) and this couldn't have happened to a more deserving bunch of people. Congrats to yer B's!

Now it's YOUR turn to win a championship, innit? Fifty might be the year...

OldAFSarge said...

I laughed hysterically at this post.

But I do have an "odd" sense of humor.

(A friend of mine who lives in Slummerville says that if you put quotes around a word it increases it's creepiness by an order of magnitude. Not that there's anything "creepy" about that.)

Chris said...

Oh, Sarge, you are SO right. Not just about creepiness, but also about humor. Some strategic quotation marks can render a mundane passage virtually hysterical. Case in point:

I pledge "allegiance" to the flag of the "United" States of America
And to the republic, for which it "stands,"
One nation, under "God", indivisible
With liberty and justice for "all."

sandyland said...

That Bergeron tagline is mega special!!

Jeni said...

When I read this, I kind of thought maybe your reference to Buckwheat had to do with that old program but, considering sometimes my memory fails me at my advanced age and sometimes, in particular with certain old tv programs, I never got to see them due to having only one tv station we could view back in those good old days. But I am happy to see I pretty much got your reference point there -after you explained it! But I must say the bit about the woman assaulting some one for excess pickles really is an amazing pieces of information. Apparently society is in more of a downslide than I had previously thought possible. Crazy, insane and stupid almost beyond belief what some people will do, isn't it? Now, go get yourself ready for the pain, agony and misery you are going to be inflicting on yourself with the start of your baseball season! Just don't get a serious injury, please!

Juli said...

First... the game was fantastic. It's how hockey games should be played. :) And second, the pickle story? Too funny. Someone read that to me while I was at work and I thought, "Well, I guess my day could be worse."

Tabor said...

Well, this post was full of funny and odd items. Enjoyed the read and many of your jokes had me laughing...although not the Rascals as I have just missed those being born a little too late for them. If we are going to continue to fight each other over stupid stuff, we have got to find out what is in the water we are drinking. I suggest we all drink more wine and mellow out.

lime said...

congrats to chris and what a lovely gesture for him to run in a boston hat then send it to you.

assaulting people over pickles? good lord. when are we ever going to learn?

Hilary said...

Good for Chris.. his heart is clearly larger than his gigantic squash. Fun post all around.. though I wish things like the pickle incident wouldn't make news.

Jeremy said...

I don't know what kind of camera or computer you have, but a multi-card reader would probably help your situation. The card reader should have a usb connection to connect to your computer. Hope that helps. If you need any more advice, just email me man.

Jeremy said...

Also, I forgot to say: "good luck this season. Hope you guys get a championship."

messymimi said...

Looking forward to your posts about your games, and yes, i got the jokes. You did at least make one person smile this morning.

Tim King said...

Re: the woman with the pickles— I wonder what kind of mega-shitty day she must've been having, assuming she doesn't usually go around punching people over bad service.

(She didn't punch the worker over pickles, but because the worker wouldn't give her a refund. The assault was clearly the result of a disagreement between the two, and the customer felt she had lost control, which she had.)

(By the way, if the same customer were to ask me for a refund, I hope that I would have been able to give her one. Because my general business policy is never to refuse a refund request. Such requests, in my experience, are exceedingly rare, and refusing them seems much more trouble than it's worth.)

I know I've certainly had times in my life when I've felt pushed that close to the edge of sanity, teetering on the edge, about to fall off. And I've done some pretty shitty things to others as a result. But for the grace of God, I don't think I've ever quite made it to violence.


Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Way to go Chris! What a very cool thing to accomplish and its inspiring to know the seemingly impossible can be done. For a guy who loved his double-double animal style as much as I remember he did, its amazing to see such a transformation in his lifestyle. Inspirational!

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Haven't stopped by in a while; glad to see you are still in your best form.
Congrats to Chris on all his accomplishments.
And may your softball season be fun and full of bloggy fodder!
Peace, Judi

Babs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Babs said...

Hold the pickles hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us....evidently she didn't know that song...even though she didn't say "hold".
You have all the fun there. Almost all.... :(
I'm from the US and didn't really know the exact info for the Red Sox hate. Thanks for explaining.
Always entertaining, especially the prostate part and computers. wow.