Monday, April 15, 2013
In my continuing effort to avoid doing what I promised you almost two weeks ago, today I decided to conduct an experiment.
I'm not sure why I'm finding it such a chore to make good on that thing. I usually enjoy spouting off and portraying myself as some sort of expert. I think this unemployment is affecting my self-confidence. And if I'm suddenly becoming humble, that's going to make everything I've previously written truly sad. Be that as it may - and it's only April - the experiment I decided to conduct today came about because the previous experiment I've been conducting, since losing my job, has been such a success. That experiment involved finding out how long it would take for me to become a big tub of out-of-shape goo if I sat on my ass in front of a computer most of the day getting no exercise at all and eating twice as much as I did while working, so today I decided to get off my ass - literally - and take a walk.
I went out the door and took a jaunt down the block. It was a nice morning, weather-wise, so I figured I'd do a mile or so before coming back to the house, having a cigarette, eating a huge hunk of the lovely banana cornbread MY WIFE was baking, and then plopping myself down on the couch to watch the final round of The Masters (which, in my present physical condition, would probably prove to be a fairly strenuous sort of a workout.)
After going three blocks, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head slightly (becoming short of breath from doing such a rigorous sort of thing on top of my walking) and I saw a bunny. It was a little brown cottontail. He saw me at about the same time I saw him. He stopped in his tracks and apparently thought the same thought which has been thought by rabbits the world over since time immemorial: If I don't move, you can't see me.
(Because of that behavior, arguments can be made both for and against evolutionary theory. The argument against is that an animal with such a stupid thought process should have been wiped out long ago. The argument for is that they have become prolific breeders due to the fact that if they didn't have so many babies, the species would never have survived. Of course, the same arguments could be made concerning red-headed Irishmen who smoke, so skip it.)
I stood still to see if the bunny would start moving again. No go. Bunnies don't think things through. I mean, if you were a bunny, and you believed that not moving made you invisible, wouldn't the thought occur to you that if you saw some other creature standing still then that other creature could probably see you even if you were standing still? No, of course not. You'd be a bunny and therefore incredibly stupid, but prolific (and perhaps fairly happy because of that part of the equation.) So, like I say, the bunny didn't move. I decided, after about a minute of standing there being as dumb as the bunny, I should probably get moving again because I wasn't getting much of a workout staring at a rabbit.
I walked another block or so and a thought occurred to me.
(No, it wasn't the first thought that had occurred to me during the walk. I had also considered picking up a ball I saw on the street, and wondered how long it would take for a wad of bubble gum I had seen to actually biodegrade, and took under consideration the theory that even if I didn't get much exercise from my walk, I might at least find something interesting to write about, but I think I'm disproving that with extreme prejudice.)
Anyway, the thought occurred to me to test the theory of whether or not having a bunny cross your path is good luck or bad luck. I figure since cats of a certain color are considered to imbue luck of some sort when they happen to be in your general vicinity, why not a bunny? So I decided to buy two lottery tickets at a store situated at about the halfway point of the distance I planned on walking.
(Yes, you're right. I have just said something even stupider than what a rabbit might say if rabbits talked. That should probably invalidate any findings I present here, but I've already written too much for me to turn back now.)
After about a half-mile on my walk, I entered the store. I saw a sign advertising electronic cigarettes. I had been wondering about such things, as being an unemployed sluggard gaining weight and not getting enough exercise has not been my only concern of late. I've been coming to the realization that I'll not really be able to play fast-pitch softball this season unless I also do something about my smoking. At the very least, the combination of extra pounds and smoke-filled lungs does not an effective catcher make. I decided that as long as I was doing something idiotic such as buying lottery tickets, I may as well try to do something halfway intelligent and see if it helped to even things out so that God wouldn't whack me with a lightning bolt on general principles.
I left the store and completed my walk by heading home. When I got there, I gave one of the lottery tickets to MY WIFE. She scratched one of them and I scratched the other. It apparently makes little difference regarding luck if a bunny happens to cross your path. While my ticket was a losing proposition, the one MY WIFE scratched was a winner for exactly one-half of what I spent in acquiring both tickets. Since this is about what one might have expected one way or the other without taking into account chance encounters with rodents, it is a wash.
As for the electronic cigarette, it is now about five hours since my walk. I have not had an actual cigarette in that time. I would usually have had three or four. It seems to be satisfying the cravings fairly well. If it turns out that this is what finally works to help me quit smoking after over forty years of it, I'll consider the bunny very lucky indeed. We'll see. I'm not holding my breath, so to speak, but it seems like it might be more effective than any other stop smoking aid I've tried, so I'll give it a fair shot and see how I feel by the end of the day.
Soon, with less rabbiting.