Thursday, January 26, 2012

5 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die

Yesterday, I said, "I will soon return to my usual mix of stale jokes, non sequiturs, overly romanticized tales of my childhood, and occasional rotten photographs."

This qualifies as at least one of those things (and if you can't figure out which two, you deserve all four.)

This is the sort of list that lends itself to instant criticism. That's because it's so easy to think of someone as a no-good selfish bastard just because "cure cancer" isn't at the top of his list. Well, the cure for cancer probably won't be found by somebody lounging in his recliner eating fried chicken while watching a ball game, so I'm probably not going to be the guy who does it. I know my limitations.

(Yeah, wise guy, it's possible that some brilliant renegade scientist, on the run from hired gunmen of a major pharmaceutical company because he found that eating four pieces of Extra Crispy during a Patriots game cures lymphoma, may have hidden his notes in my KFC bucket. However, it's highly improbable. Anyway, the notes would be all greasy and stuff. Yuck!)

You also don't want to set the bar too high. For instance, what if I did say "cure cancer"? Then whatever followed (for instance, winning a lottery so humongous that I'd be able to spend the rest of my life blowing my nose on hundred dollar bills) would seem frivolous by comparison.

So, having said all of the above for no apparent reason other than to fill space, here are 5 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die.

1 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, actually. And I've done little or nothing to make it become reality, so I don't know why you'd believe that this might change in the near future. Maybe you don't believe it will change. And that's why I'm a miserable failure. You have no faith in me! You've ruined my life, you domineering bitch! You suck! You suck! You suck!

Whoa! Freudian slip! I meant to say, "Pass the gravy, please."

(That's the punch line to a really good joke - unless you've never heard it, in which case it's not very good at all. And now I've ruined it for you. That's what you get. Why? I don't know, but that's what you get. Am I making any sense here? I sure hope not, because if I am I won't be able to use this as evidence of temporary insanity at my trial.)

Now, where was I? More important, who was I? And, while we're at it, why are there gophers in my pocket?

2 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, actually. First, though, I want to win a championship in softball. What sort of emperor plays ball for forty years and can't win one friggin' championship? Do I want people going around saying, "Emperor Suldog? Oh, don't even talk to me about that bum! Yeah, sure, he cured cancer his first day on the job, but did he ever win a championship in softball? Please! Hey, pass the Extra Crispy, will you?"

3 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, actually. First, though, I'd like to buy a house. What kind of emperor doesn't own his own house? Do you know any emperors who rent? Of course you don't! Hey, what the hell is this greasy piece of paper at the bottom of my KFC bucket? Yuck!

4 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

This has been a goal of mine for many years, although I'd like to own a waffle house first. Who wouldn't want a house made of waffles, with butter and syrup melting down over the roof? Yum! But no gophers - they get in my shorts. Excuse me - I have to blow my nose. *BLAT* Sorry about that. Hey, do you want a hundred bucks? No? Hey! Who put this piece of chicken in my bucket full of greasy notes?

5 - Become Emperor Of The Known Universe

Actually, I am, but I have to keep it a secret until the Extra Crispy gophers eat their waffles. You sure you don't want a hundred bucks? How about a piece of chicken? It cures softball, you know.

Uh-oh. Here comes the nurse with my meds. Shhhh! Don't say anything. See you Monday (or a reasonable facsimile thereof.)

Soon, with more better stuff (but fewer gophers, as if that's any consolation for your loss of time.)


lime said...

well i guess we can have an emperor but you do recall i am the grand high exalted mystic empress lime, do you not? we can coexist peacefully i'm sure. though i'd have to poison your extra crispy if you ever wanted to become empress. and listen, no borrowing from my imperial wardrobe. you have your own tie-dyed socks.

stephen Hayes said...

Thanks for the fun post, Your Highness. And don't forget to take your meds.

messymimi said...

May i be the Royal Historian? Or would i have to alter the books so much that i looked more like a court jester?

Craig said...

You, know, you really should count your list down, from 5 to 1, Letterman-style. Giving us #1 right off the bat wrecks the suspense. . .

An' lissen. . . aren't the Emperor an' the Empress s'posed to get together to create a super-race of progeny to extend their rule to future generations? ;)

An' heck. . . I'VE won a softball championship. . . (see. . . the secret is to play in a suitably lame league; easier to win that way. . .)

An' I've got a snot-soaked benjamin for ya, if you email me the 'gravy' joke. . .


Jeni said...

Thank goodness for your wild and wacky sense of humor that rarely (if ever) fails to get me smiling, frequently even laughing out loud again! You must have great intuitive powers that sense when I'm a bit down in attitude. Keep that going, please!

Suldog said...

Grand High Exalted Mystic Empress Lime - I would no sooner step on your toes than I would a dolphin's. As for your wardrobe, it IS a peach. However, I am The Emperor, and as such I have a new suit of clothes that nobody but those of the highest sort can see (except for the tie-dyed socks, which can be seen for miles and rightly so.)

Stephen - I would no more forget to take my meds than I would a dolphin's.

Messy - Yes, you can be the Royal Histrionix (unless you're a dolphin, in which case you can be my meds.)

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

The best part about reading your post is I literally just came over here from looking up quotes on imdb for "Alice in Wonderland". And now I know who the Mad Hatter was modeled around.

Or maybe the Cheshire Cat?

Suldog said...

Craig - I'm all for creating progeny with The Empress, but she already has a consort. As for your other comments, I find them beneath you, which is better than beneath me, so there's that. And a dolphin.

Jeni - Yes, my intuitive powers are beyond mortal ken (and Barbie.) For instance, right now I am sensing that you are stepping on the toes of a dolphin. But never mind that, unless you already have - how do like my new clothes?

Suldog said...

Jenn - You, of course, mean the Cheshire Dolphin. I forgive you your momentary lapse, for I am a kind and benevolent ruler, maybe even a yardstick.

Craig said...

I wondered what all that pokin' around under my backside was. . .

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, it's nice you have ambitions, but you're screwed, because I am already Empress of the universe, known and UNKNOWN. So unless I die before you do...

notactuallygod said...

This is probably the funnest post of yours I've ever read. Very punchy, proving sometimes less is more. Also, I'd throw away those meds, they're holding you back.

Suldog said...

Craig - The less said about that, the better off we'll both be.

Haphazard - Ahem. I do believe you'll have both myself and Grand High Exalted Mystic Empress Lime to contend with. Do you really want to buck those odds?

Not Actually - Funny? Well, coming from you, I consider it a great condiment.

Shrinky said...

Hang on, you've never won a championship in softball? You're kidding me, right? Not even just ONE? One??

Sheesh, I'm outta' here..

(Ow, don't think I don't know who slung that KFC bucket-full of greasy notes at the back of my exiting head, either! So now you're a SORE loser too, huh?)

Cricket said...

If you're throwing away your meds, throw 'em in my direction. Can't have too many meds, now.

Buck said...

A boon, Yer Highness... a boon. I should like to have the portfolio of Imperial Wine Steward And Keeper of the Humidor.


Chris said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but you've just re-read A Confederacy of Dunces, haven't you?

That would explain the insanity, anyway.

Suldog said...

Shrinky - If I didn't have hopes of getting you to join my harem someday, I would have you executed for such impudence! As it is, now you'll never rise above concubine fourth class!

Cricket - Ah, a man after my own heart! You want to be my Primed Minister?

Buck - Granted. You can also take your pick from among the Royal Chambermaids.

Knucklehead - I'll admit to many things, but don't ask me what I'm doing with the rubber gloves and the Big Chief writing tablets...

Tabor said...

Re your note...thanks. Guess I felt so bad about pounding Perry that I maybe felt guilty.

lime said...

so will you be leading the parade in your new duds and socks? i think if i am doing my chinese new year dragon dance you need to do that. i also feel cricket should definitely have a cabinet level position in the very chaste (with all due respect to YOUR WIFE and mr. lime) empire we benevolently rule.

Bill Lisleman said...

Important declarations going on here. Oh wait you said "the known universe" as in what is known by you? That might be slightly larger than a bucket of KFC. Hey a post ago I had this idea for a new service - psycho reading. Don't have any paying customers yet but it looks like I can find psycho employees.

Absolut Ruiness said...

What DID you have up your nose when you wrote this!! And forget about writing, what were you thinking when you thought about writing this? Its absolutely crazy and funny and hilarious. Once again a big THANK YOU for being the way you are and showing it off in the way you write.

i beati said...

formidable list - mine is way too long this girl will never get bored.

John-Michael said...

Ahhh! This constitutes the second of 2 encouragements in my world woefully lacking in positive notes.

The first was the Celtics coming from 27 points back, last night, to take the game from that self-aggrandizing team somewhere south and east of Tampa.

And now this! To discover that I may put my political-debate-numbed soul at peace with the overriding knowledge that those mental midgets (with all due respect and regard for others of the not-politically-polluted persuasion) have no say or sway in the overseeing of this world ... thanks to the omnipotence and wisdom of the powers that made you responsible for the Emperiorosity of the Known Universe. May your emperiosciousness know neither limitation nor bounds for the benefit of all (like myself) who have hungered for some measure of a variety of sanity that will free all personkind of the stench of what is presented as political power in the more common world.

Hooray and huzzah to you oh most emperorial one

(Note: spell check disabled for this submission)

Suldog said...

Tabor - You're welcome. Your Emperor is always glad to point out his loyal subject's minor errors.

Lime - Cricket? Yes, absolutely. I'm very much in favor of it as the official universal sport.

Oh, you mean Cricket, the blogger, not the sport? OK. He can be Chief Undersecretary. Or Oversecretary. I'm not really privy to his favorite position.

Bill - I think Psycho Readings would be very important during my Emporium. By all means, institute such a service. However, the definition of "psycho" should be made to reflect the fact that anyone who disagrees with me, is.

Absolut - Are you inferring that I have too many boogers? As Emperor, I will outlaw boogers! Anything else my subjects wish to put up their noses is OK by me, so long as they share.

i beati - Being never bored is a good thing, unless you have a need for extra holes.

Hah! Your Emperor has a delightful sense of humor (even if nobody else gets it. It's the law!)

John-Michael - You, sir, may have the position of Poet Lariat. It will be your job to lasso all rhymes.

Michelle H. said...

The Overlord Jaq is still patiently waiting for her tank keys. And she is curious over this master power which you call "KFC?"

Suldog said...

Hmmmmmmmm. It seems someone remembers just a little bit too much concerning past promises made by her Emperor.

OK, tell you what I'll do. See those ruby slippers over there? Put 'em on, click the heels three tiomes, and say, "There's no place like home, especially if it's a waffle house!" Meanwhile, pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

As for "KFC", it used to stand for "Kentucky Fried Chicken", but then somebody came up with the ridiculous notion that fried food was somehow bad for you so they decided to just use the initials (because if people don't know what initials stand for, it's healthier!)

When The Overlord receives her tank, it will be filled with fried chicken (and maybe a gopher or two, and the occasional dolphin.) The problem is that she'll have to eat all the chicken in order to get inside the tank, but if she eats all the chicken she won't be able to fit inside the tank. I'm sure you'll work it out, because you're smart. I know this because otherwise you wouldn't have me as your Emperor! :

Anonymous said...

Never a loss of time for me. Thanks for the laugh.

Michelle H. said...

See, there's a problem with that. Since the Overlord only has two bottom teeth, eating fried chicken would be a challenge. And I'm not too keen on giving her such fried foods at her age.

After much discussion, and diaper changes, we decided to use the fried chicken as ammunition. Since it's unhealthy and makes people fat, it will be harder for them to fight back. Hence an easier world takeover.

Suldog said...

Joan - Your obeisance is commendable.

Michelle - Yeah, but who wants to take over a world full of big fat greasy people?

Daryl said...

.. this is my world and its all about me .. oh wait .. Nurse Ratchet please see about Mr Sullivan's meds

silly rabbit said...

I have a big fondness for crazy people. You are one of my favorites.

I want to know the joke... just wait a few days to send it to me. I will have forgotten the punch line and it will crack me up proper!

"Primed Mister" lol!

BTW, I am the Queen of the World... and have been since 1990. I know, a lesser title, but still a good one.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip, said...

I'm only somebody's Uncle Skip and a legend in my own mind.
I may not be much, but I'm all I think about.

...and I found if I wait to comment until Saturday you can't dispute anything I say until Monday

Joanna Jenkins said...

Waffles?!?! Did you say Waffles? I'd love to own a Waffle House too. I love those places.

Hilary said...

I bet you could gopher some extra crispy chicken with those meds.

Anonymous said...

At first I thought all the talk about "gophers in your pockets" was just a juvenile naughty-talk theme.

Then I thought maybe you were smoking or inhaling something. (I had never heard of "whip-its" until Demi Moore did some recently and ended up in the hospital.)

I realized that I haven't had a bucket of KFC in years, and I thought maybe they've added some new magic ingredient to their 11 herbs & spices, which might explain this post.

Or maybe you'd been eating some Alice B. Toklas waffles?

Or maybe you really hadn't been taking your meds?

I finally decided...naw, it's just Suldog having fun writing stuff that won't get him published. (institutionalized, maybe)

Suldog said...

Daryl - Since you seem to know my nurse, would you please put in a good word about having my meds doubled? Thanks!

Silly Rabbbit - Here's the joke.

A man is eating dinner with his mother. He says, "You're the reason I'm a miserable failure! You have no faith in me! You've ruined my life, you domineering bitch! You suck! You suck! You suck!"

After a moment, he says, "Oops! Fruedian slip! I meant to say 'Pass the gravy, please.'"

Uncle Skip - It has been a carefully guarded state secret that I can be insulted on Friday and be able to do nothing about it until Monday. Now that you've given it away, that's treason! You shall be fed to the intergalactic lions, as soon as I get some.

Joanna - Granted. I'm awarding you the first waffle house franchise on Neptune. Best of luck! And save a seat for me.

Hilary - Not only could I gopher some, I've never med a fried chicken I didn't like!

(That's not as good as yours, but I'm the friggin' Emperor. It doesn't have to be.)

Red Hamster - "... it's just Suldog having fun writing stuff that won't get him published."

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Stop the game! We have a winner!

Clare Dunn said...

I can see your wardrobe, "Oh! Exalted One", and all I can say is, It Needs Ironing.

xoxoxo, cd