Friday, August 26, 2011

Defenestration





My promise to you: Today's post does not feature wombats, bugs, or Barbara Streisand.

Moving on to other things...

For a long time now, I've had a desire to defenestrate.

(That sounds perverse, yes, and that's why I chose to use the word. It doesn't truly describe what I'm about to do, as it actually means "to toss out of a window", but it sounds slimy, so I couldn't pass it up even if it's wrong. So sue me, Daniel Webster.)

The three or four masochists among you who continue reading my pieces to the end every time you stop by have certainly noticed how far the crap on my sidebar extends below the bottom of anything I write. And, God knows, I write some damn long pieces, so that means there's a lot of useless shit on my sidebar. In the interest of providing old friends and new visitors a less-cluttered Suldog experience, I'm going to trim things down.

Before I do, however, I'm going to explain what will get tossed, and why. That way, if you happen to be the owner of something I'm going to toss, and you care enough to not want it tossed, you can contact me and plead for the bloggity life of whatever it is. I'll listen patiently, then do exactly as I damn well please. So, yes, feel free to beg, but don't be surprised if your thing hits the pavement despite your protestations.

The first things to go will be links to blogs that haven't published anything during the previous 45 days. This will involve some good old friends, and that pains me, but I figure 45 days is long enough to come up with at least one new idea even if you're soft enough in the head to have me as a friend. If you haven't published in that length of time, and you've offered me no good excuse for not having done so, consider yourself defenestrated. Out the virtual window you go, Bub!

Next to go will be links to folks who don't have links back to me. They name streets after you - One Way! If you aren't willing to deface your sidebar with me, I'm not giving you a place to crash, either. Hasta la defenestratio, chump!

Not everything I give the ol' heave-ho to will be a link. Some will be pieces of ephemera that may have irritated you as much as they did me. I'm talking about awards, of course. While I've had some fun with them in the past, insulting hell out of whomever gave me one, I'm tired of that game. I'm never accepting another one. And I see no need to keep those that I did accept hanging around and stinking up the premises. I'm going to go about the defenestration of these in a casual way, though, as my ego is too big to just toss 'em all in one fell swoop (which begs the question of there being other sorts of swoops, but let's not worry about that now.) I'll begin by deep-sixing those that are linked to non-functioning blogs, and then later on (as my ego enters a refractory period) kill those that still send you to someone living. They will all go eventually.

That takes care of the sidebar cleansing. One other thing I'll be doing (which won't affect the look of this blog, but I feel it only right to mention it) is a general purge of posts. I am going to go through my backlog and delete anything poorly written or personally embarrassing.

(Ha-ha-ha, wise ass. No, that doesn't mean everything here will disappear.)

I've contemplated this for quite a while. There are a lot of hideously-constructed, poorly-worded, ill-conceived, too-many-dashes (or parentheses) pieces of excrement clogging up the cesspool of my back pages. They will be assigned for relocation (the relocation area being the eternal void, so if you're a Buddhist, or otherwise believe in some form of reincarnation, then perhaps you can look forward to them returning some day as either planks in the Republican Party platform or Hallmark greeting cards featuring chimpanzees, depending upon their karma.)

The last time I said I was planning to do this, my brother-in-law strongly opposed it. He said that it wasn't cricket - or words to that effect - since a blog is supposed to record one's day-to-day thoughts, feelings, etc., and going back in time to revise history wasn't fair. He had a point, but I'm tired of having those skeletons lurking in my literary closet. On the off chance that some dope is impressed with my current writing, and wants to offer me bazillions of dollars to do this sort of thing on a regular basis, I don't want the ship of my dreams scuttled because of some random split infinitive (if I ever figure out what in hell a split infinitive is, I mean.)

(By the way, when I say "embarrassing", I only mean in a literary sense. Most of you know by now that I have a high threshold for personal embarrassment, so stories concerning masturbation, inability to manage anger, evidence of my unsuitability for public consumption, and other such things that folks with some restraint might have had second thoughts about making public, will likely remain extant rather than become extinct.)

Anyway, that's what's going to happen. It will begin next week as I have the time, so if you feel something of yours (or something of mine for which you feel an unnatural affection) might be headed for oblivion, start pleading obsequiously now. Otherwise, it may well be gone the next time you come here.

(Of course, that assumes you'll be returning, which is a leap of no little faith considering the spectacularly unreadable drek I just gave you.)

Soon, with consolidated stuff.




37 comments:

Uncle Skip, said...

Beware of broken glass. I'm a firm believer in using a big word like that when I can find one that fills the need.

Buck said...

Well, I'm closer to Buddhism than any other sorta organized religion and i certainly hope **I** don't come back as a plank in the GOP platform. I have my sights set on bein' a goat the next time around. An American goat, assuming I get to choose. I don't wanna end up on a spit in the Middle East somewhere.

That said, purging is good. Just don't get all bulimic on us.

Sausage Fingers said...

Hey man if you dump me then that would be ethnic cleansing....
cheers, Sausage.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

I don't see a link to my place over there. And if you toss that award, it means I should be able to give it to someone else, right? the only problem is most have probably forgotten just who originally wore it.
I think maybe defenestration is the proper term for what you're about to do, but, perhaps, without the tragic result.

TechnoBabe said...

Go for it. Toss it all out. I am not on your sidebar and I don't have a list of other blogs on my blog so it won't make me whine if you throw out all of yours. Ha. I come by and read your stuff and sometimes I comment and sometimes I don't; my choice. See, you and I have the same viewpoint on some things.

Moannie said...

Yeah but...what if you change your mind? No more re-runs? Not everyone has read ALL of your stuff.

It is not the right time of year to be Spring cleaning...and not all of us are twiddling our thumbs...some of us are CUT OFF by our providers and don't deserve to be cast away.

Not that I'm begging...how undignified.

Suldog said...

IT - Um, you're not over there because I'm not on your sidebar. Unless I missed me. Did I miss me?

Suldog said...

TechnoBabe - Indeed. I knew you'd be OK with it :-)

Jim
xxxooo (<--------- Brotherly Hugs And Kisses; Not To Be Confused With An Offer Of Casual Sex Or Anything)

lime said...

i've posted in the lat 45 days and i return the linky lovin' so i think i am safe. now about those back posts. you may not delete the one from when we met in person, ok? and given the faces i pulled in some of the pictures we posted it would seem i have a high threshold for personal embarrassment as well.

now, here is a great marketing opportunity as well. you could auction off the to-be-deleted posts to the highest bidder. just sayin...it's an option...kinda like a yardsale. you don;t want the crap but someone else does. could be kinda funny.

Suldog said...

Lime - That is one hell of a funny idea. It may happen...

messymimi said...

Should any more of my cars break down, i may defenestrate with the keys! They would already keep me from being able to bid for one of those to-be-deleted posts.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Oh, golly... you're right. I assure you it's a blogger screwup because you rank right up there with ArrghPtoo! and That Is Priceless. Somewhere along the line Blogger must have defenestrated your link by accident.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

dancing... made the cut.
Phew
Just glad that masturbation one isn't going - i like to pee myself laughing occasionally

I will miss Magazine Man, who has certainly become a sporadic contributor...but i have been relying on you as the source of links to his best and funniest.... I am off to search in case I have missed the obvious and he has survived the defenesst whatever

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

he survived - thank your deity

TechnoBabe said...

Congrats on your POTW at the Goddess' blog.

Michelle H. said...

Um. One question. Why haven't you gotten hip, or hyp - whichever word is the correct slang- with the times and done the Blogger Pages thing? It let's you dump stuff that you don't want cluttering your main page into a convenient link so that if people do want to read your old stuff, read other blogs or see your awards, they can just click on the link. And this doesn't require you to backdate a special page for this stuff.

Shows how observant you've been. That's where I dumped all my award stuff. There's a link at the top of my blog that says "AWARDS!"

Maggie May said...

Big mistake getting rid of posts. You'll regret it.

As for awards....... well you are going to disappoint so many people who like to see your sarcastic backlash.

If you get rid of me .... it will be age discrimination!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Clare Dunn said...

Well, I think 'xoxoxocd' is safe, and since I JUST THIS MINUTE posted on 'Postcards From A Broad', perhaps it will live, too. I would hate to be
defenestrated at this stage of my career!

xoxoxo, cd

Daryl said...

What is with you and ToonMan deleting shit ..

Nick said...

More wombats, please.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Woo hoo. Survived.

And I'm slightly disappointed that you didn't use the phrase, "if I am to someday discover what a split infinitive is."

Sigh.

Quirkyloon said...

Whew! I wasn't defenestrated either! Whew! And I'm sad no wombats weren't mentioned in this post.

But that's just me.

*grin*

Barbara Shallue said...

What a great word - and it does sound a little sleazy! Good luck on your defenestrating, though. I started defenestrating (see, I love it!) my blog months ago but didn't get very far. I agree with your defenestrating guidelines and will probably try defenestrating again. :) As far as posts go, I'm sure I have some awful ones but instead of deleting, I just try to revise/edit when I come across them.

Cricket said...

Well... it's your blog, but I must say I was a wee bit dismayed to find my dear lady Shimp had done such a defenestration. There are those of us who like to dig through archives of a rainy afternoon.

And I also must say I learned the word "defenestration" from Calvin and Hobbes. Heh, heh.

For the record, I posted something, heh, heh. Not a good post, mind. That will likely have to wait until my solitude returns, soon... soon...

Suldog said...

Michelle - Regarding your question, concerning putting things in a different area: Honestly, I think the extra step of asking people to click a link to get to other links tends to discourage them from clicking onto the links you'd like them to click onto. Just my opinion, which usually isn't worth the shit of a flea in a sandstorm :-)

i beati said...

role model

Suldog said...

Cricket - Thank God you posted something. To paraphrase Dorothy's words to The Scarecrow: I would have missed you most of all!

Jeni said...

Well, first of all, there has to be exceptions to everything, ya know, and the one that comes to my mind here is that you have to make an exception to tossing the magnificent Magazine Man from the mix. No way should anything of his ever be nixed!
But to cleanse your archives? I gotta believe the same as I think Maggie said, "you'll regret it." You have too much of a treasure trove there of stuff you can link to, or re-post as is or do a remodeling of a post -whatever. Never toss the baby out with the broth or some such idiom like that. My mind is still a bit foggy from all the cookbook stress so perhaps I'm just not at a good enough defogged status this a.m. -need more caffeine and a lot more nicotine -before I should be making statements like this about issues of this type of importance, ya know. I should be in the clear though since I link to you on my blog, have you in a permanent place on my reader (which is what I always access anyway;) I've posted usually AT LEAST once a week, occasionally more frequently than that, rarely miss an opportunity to fill your comment area with a post of my own at your place and at your expense and also, guess the time is right to announce this too but I am the president of a heretofore secret organization, the "Suldog Fanclub" and therefore, should never be tossed out into the cold like a bad bug sandwich or leftover jellied moose snout. (Yeah -gross as it was, that post before this one really held my attention. Can you tell?)

silly rabbit said...

No wombats! What???? But I love wombats!
Phew... I followed the link and found one. Thank goodness.
Do as you please, good sir. I'll keep reading (and laughing, well mostly)anyway.

Shrinky said...

Oooooooooooh, now you've got me worried.. define "posted" (squirm), I mean, um, I am the re-post Queen. an' all (emmbarassed cough), so, er, you as you didn't specifically state NEW on that posting rule, I'm taking it I'm still safe?

Toss me out and I'll sic Nutty Nora on you!

Red Hamster said...

I left town for a long weekend and this is what you did behind my back?!

And now I find out that you are "xxxooo'ing" everyone? I thought I was the only one you found casually sexy. Feh! Go defenestrate yourself!

(you know I'm just kidding)

notactuallygod said...

Bravo on your planned purge. Stalin would be proud. I'm not talking about Joe, but Melvin. Melvin Stalin is my barber, and he runs a very clean neat shop.

Hilary said...

Only you would write a blog post letting readers know that you're cleaning up your sidebar. It's your space to do with as you please.. I'm amused that you feel you need to warn us. You're too sweet. I'll just copy, paste and keep your kind words preceding the link to my blog, thanks. :)

Mich said...

My sidebar is defaced every time you post something new, and I wouldn't have it any other way. <3

Thanks for showing your concern. It means a lot to me if someone takes the time to do that. Especially with someone like me who has a history of bad decisions.
-__-
I think all sources agree that one day I'm going to off myself by accident, but hopefully that's quite a bit further away in the future...

xoxoxoxoxo

Craig said...

Hmmmmmm. . . I think I'm safe for now. But lemme know when you're gonna defenestrate again, 'cuz I can't promise that 45 days will never go by without me posting something. . . ;)

And @ the undeity above: I'm not sure what I'd think about a barber named Stalin. First, I'm not sure I'd trust him with a razor in his hands, and second, how would he know anything about trimming my mustache?

ethelmaepotter! said...

First thing I did was look up "defenestration," then of course, you go and define it for us.

Second thing I did was something I thought I'd done before, but apparently hadn't - click FOLLOW. Just when I'm about to take a break from blogging.

But then I backtrack and realize you're talking about linkbacks, and I don't do linkbacks anyway because...it clutters up my sidebar.

I've been doing a little decluttering of my own - eliminating some of the most horribly written posts, and am currently going through my blog roll and STOP FOLLOWING those who haven't published in 6 months or more. (See how generous I am?)

Also deleting those posts I began and never finished, or the ones that just said "ideas for future posts," because if none of them were interesting enough to write about then, they sure won't be now.
And most importantly, after Fred's family reunion last week, in which one distant cousin came to me and remarked on my post about last year's reunion, I went and deleted everything I could find about Fred's family. I don't know how this guy found it, but I sure don't want some of the others to see it.

I have a feeling, though, that blog decluttering is not exactly what Fred had in mind when he told me to get rid of a lot of my stuff.

But surely, SURELY he couldn't have been talking about getting rid of my I Love Lucy doll collection or my stash of old house plan magazines.

No, I'm sure he was speaking of my blog. He'll be so proud.

Three Hundred Sixty Five said...

Well....I think the occasional purge is a great idea. It's much like removing the clothing you haven't worn in years to make room for something that doesn't have underarm stains, or is just a wee bit tight.