Thursday, May 19, 2011
As a Christian, I...
No, I need to rephrase that.
As a sane Christian, I feel it is my duty to tell you that The Apocalypse probably won't happen this coming Saturday. There are a number of folks without many of their marbles who believe that May 21st is the end of the world. When the world doesn't end at 6:00 pm this Saturday, the rest of us Christians will have to endure the world at-large giving us a big middle finger because of the few who have little brain. So, if we're all still here at 6:01pm, I'd appreciate it if you'd cut the rest of us some slack.
However, just because somebody has performed math from the eighth dimension and determined we have only two days left, that doesn't mean it definitely won't happen. The possibility exists. It could happen while you're reading this, or it could happen a couple million years from now. It might be Saturday. Who knows? So, since our imminent doom actually could be imminent, here are some tips to help you get drafted by God in the first round instead of becoming a left behind free agent. I'll also give you a few helpful suggestions should you follow these tips and still be among those NOT raptured.
PRIOR TO THE END
1 - Read The Bible And Pray
I suppose this seems rather obvious. If you had been doing this already, though, it stands to reason you wouldn't be reading me. I mean, if a Catholic priest listens to your confession, and you tell him, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. I missed mass, I took The Lord's name in vain twice, and I enjoyed reading Suldog's What I Learned In High School", he won't bother giving you two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers. He'll excommunicate your ass on the spot (and call you a no-good twisted son of a bitch, to boot.)
Since time is limited, I'd suggest The Gospel Of Mark. It's the shortest one. Of course, if Saturday is the end of the world, you don't have to pay any attention to the part that reads...
"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
... because, hey, Harold Camping will have proven that wrong. Or, if it isn't wrong, it would mean that Harold Camping is God, in which case I'm very doomed.
2 - Stay Dressed
Do you want to stand before Jesus, to be judged for all eternity, in your birthday suit? Of course not. If you did want to, then you'd be guilty of pride, and we all know what that goes before. Anyway, even the worst criminals in the world wear a nice suit when they're going on trial, so you should probably dress for the occasion. I'd suggest at least business casual.
It should go without saying that being in the middle of sex (or, even worse, in the middle of sex with yourself) would be a tremendous breach of etiquette.
3 - Watch Your Language!
If you toss off a "Jesus Christ God Damn It!" at 5:59, you might be in deep doo-doo a minute later. Play it smart. If you're a clumsy type, don't be hammering any nails. If you're a democrat, watching FOX News probably isn't a good idea. If republican, avoid CNN.
(Actually, I don't know that either democrats or republicans can do anything to save themselves at this point. My personal belief is that Heaven will be full of non-partisans and minor party members, while the Dems and Reps will be drafting zoning laws in Hell, but the track record of Libertarians being among the elect is rather anemic, so history may be against me on this one.)
4 - If Your Parents Ask You To Do Something, You Probably Should
Unless, of course, they ask you to curse, steal, lie, kill someone, or do anything else that contradicts one of the other commandments, in which case you can tell them to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. Or, now that I think of it, you could politely point out the error of their ways and hope that they, too, will be saved. Yeah, that's probably better all around. Go with that.
5 - Don't Kill Anyone
Unless it's The Anti-Christ. I think it's OK to croak him. If you kill someone else, however, just because you thought he might be The Anti-Christ, and it turns out he wasn't really The Anti-Christ, you're screwed. Best to leave the killing to God. Why get your hands dirty taking a chance you don't need to take?
6 - Quit Coveting Stuff!
That especially goes for your neighbor's wife. Yeah, I know she's hot, and she gave you a wink over the taco dip at that block party last summer, but we're talking an eternity of burning and maybe dripping pus-filled sores. Also, you might go to Hell.
7 - Don't Witness Any False Bears
Teddies are cute, but it says so in Deuteronomy, so...
Oh, wait a minute. Don't bear false witness? That makes more sense. No lying, then (which is why the Democrats and Republicans are in trouble, but I digress.)
8 - For Goodness Sakes, Get Rid Of Your Buddhas & Ganeshes & Other Bogus Gods
This isn't self-explanatory? Christ!
Finally, a tip given me by my good buddy, Daryl.
9 - Stock Up On Air Freshener
One of the things that's supposed to happen is a great earthquake that will be so enormous it will open up every grave on Earth and throw the contents of said graves out onto the ground. P-U! You'd better have some Glade handy, just in case you're one of those who's sticking around. Also, it might be a good idea to keep Fido indoors for a while, otherwise he might eat a relative.
DURING THE END
1 - If You See Someone Riding A Cloud In Glory, Ask Who He Is
Hah! Tricked you! If you ask Him who He is, that's a dead giveaway (and I do mean a dead giveaway.) Just say, "Hi, Jesus! How's it hangin'?", and play it cool like you knew all along. If you see someone riding a regular cloud, without glory, feel free to ask him anything you like.
2 - Go To The Home Of The Holiest Rich Person You Know
That way, if he gets taken and you don't, you can have all his stuff!
3 - Have A Bite To Eat
What, you should starve just because the world is ending? Who knows how long it's going to be before your next meal? What with all of the bodies popping out of graves and whatnot, it's likely to get grody. The food supply might become contaminated pretty quickly. Fill up while you can. Just to be on the safe side of the dietary laws, though, you might want to skip the pulled pork and fried clams.
AFTER THE END
1 - Hide
If you're left behind, you know what? Everybody else who got left behind with you is either a liar, a thief, a murderer, or some other type of sinner. It probably won't be pleasant. I'd stay inside and watch Gilligan's Island re-runs or something. If you're lucky, maybe you can find a couple of adulterers to pass the time with.
I hope this has proven helpful. I rather doubt it. In any case, here's the best advice of all, and it's for real. If you live your life as though you expect Jesus to return at any moment, it couldn't hurt. Bake some cookies. I think He'd like that.
Soon (if we're all still here beyond the weekend) with more better stuff.