Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Eeka & Suldog, Sitting In A Tree...

First came The Smoot, then came The Gaffy
NOT SAFE FOR WORK! (unless for work you pull your taffy...)

You all remember Eeka The Lesbian, right? If not, read THIS (BUT NOT IF YOU'RE AT WORK!)

Well, I think Eeka and I may be in love. We've certainly exchanged enough e-mails, and mentioned each other often enough on our blogs, to give that impression to some. Of course, if we want to make this relationship work, either she has to go straight or I have to get a sex change.

(Or maybe I have to become a Democrat. If that's the case, which way to the chop shop?)

Be that as it may - and it isn't, so get those dirty pictures out of your heads, you sick bastards - we'll be hooking up on Thursday evening. This will be happening in order to make the awarding of THE GAFFY (Again - NOT SAFE FOR WORK!) official. We'll have a few drinks together and, after she's sufficiently well-lubed, I'll be giving it to her.

(Well, actually, I already gave it to her via the fine auspices of the United States Postal Service about a week ago - little did the mailman know! - and she'll be giving it back to me before I give it back to her, and so on.)

It promises to be a stimulating evening full of good crack. Why don't you join us for a stiff one? We'd love to see you come!

(If you do decide to show up, and you make a rude comment, maybe we'll both slip it to you, instead. Meanwhile, MY WIFE and EEKA'S SPOUSE will no doubt amuse themselves in some way while we're busy giving it to each other. If it slips out of our hands and rolls under the table, all bets are off.)

(I'm still not really sure about this get-together. I think maybe Eeka is setting me up for a fall. She'll probably have a whole battalion of butchies waiting to jump me when I get there, ready to administer some sort of politically correct beatdown; perhaps forcing me to read the collected works of Monique Wittig.)

Anyway, if you'd like to watch (you do like to watch, don't you?) then penetrate Christopher's in Porter Square on Thursday evening. The joint purports to have good food and drink, and it's easily accessible via pubic transportation.

This is the probable agenda:

7:00 - Everybody arrives and consumes mass quantities of alcohol.

7:30 - I make some sort of slurred and overly-pompous speech, after which I slide a vibrating jelly-filled dildo into Eeka's hands.

7:35 - As good Christian mothers and fathers try to shoo their children out the exit, with the moms shielding their kid's eyes from the sight of Eeka triumphantly waving the jelly-filled vibrating dildo over her head, the management of Christopher's calls the cops.

7:40 - We're all taken downtown and booked for lewd and lascivious behavior.

We should be able to raise bail by 9:00 and get home in time to see the end of the Sox game. Now that's my idea of an excellent night out!

(If, at any point, Eeka and I get drunk enough to start slipping each other the tongue, I'll post some photos. If Eeka and any of her lesbian friends get drunk enough to start slipping each other the tongue, I'll be selling some photos. If I find MY WIFE in any of the photos, I'll be charging double and filing for divorce.)

TIME: 7pm, Thursday, August 27th

PLACE: Christopher's, Porter Square, Cambridge

Seriously, if you'd like to get together for dinner and a couple of drinks with Eeka, MY WIFE, EEKA'S SPOUSE, or me, we'd love to have you there. I promise it will be the most tasteful public display you've ever seen involving a jelly-filled vibrating dildo. Just look for the table with three lovely ladies heartily laughing at the blushing bald-headed Irish guy.

(If you think you'll attend, please drop me a line. That way, we can arrange for enough table to fit us all. E-Mail to

Soon, with more better stuff.


Michelle H. said...

OMG! I can barely get through this post without chuckling naughtily. Ahem...

Shucks! So sorry I can't come (keep your snide remarks to yourself). But a picture of your blushing face would be memorable sight.

Brian Miller said...

oh my...have fun...errr...

Eddie Bluelights said...

OMG! Jim! I've got to rewrite the first two episodes of my musical after this!! Eddie

Jazz said...

Ah to be in Somerville...

Let me know if ever you and the dildo make your way to Montreal.

Thumbelina said...

Sometimes I am sad I live on this side of the Pond. Only sometimes.
This is one of those times. :(

Have a great evening you four.
Or more.

Gennasus said...

I'd love to come (no sniggering) but it's just a little too far. I'll look forward to your post instead.

As for your sex change, I think you'd make a great lesbian. You like women so you're already half way there.

eileen said...

Awww. I'd love to meet up with you guys but I will be at the Red Sox game tomorrow night! Have fun :)

Ananda girl said...

What a terrible shame I'm on the wrong coast! That would be a sight to see.

Buck said...

It promises to be a stimulating evening full of good crack. Why don't you join us for a stiff one? We'd love to see you come!

Aiiieee. And that was just the beginning. I don't think I've EVAH seen this many bad puns.... ummm... double entendres in one place at one time.

Great work. You hit ALL the bases (ahem) and that's a GOOD thing.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

I'd be happy to attend, but at the moment the prospects of making the 3000 mile trek seem slim at best.

And if you've never SEEN Slim at his best, well, you just haven't lived.

i beati said...

I'm sending in a spy -- Go boston sandy

lime said...

dayum, wish i could come too.i can't get up tonight though.

have fun!

Jenn said...

Of all the nights that we actually have plans, Matt & I would have definitely been there but alas we will be down the street at the CBC in Kendall Square.

Have the most excellent time for the entire 40 minutes you all get to spend together. Wow, you anticipate an awful lot of photos in such a short time.

Chris Stone said...

you bums! man, i wish i'd seen this post earlier. i'd of been the heavily cloaked figure behind the plant. though, think i would have had to've brought in my own plant to hide behind. do they have plants in christophers? i don't think so. how inconvenient.

Janet said...

OK, I give up. MY MOTHER is visiting this week, and I really don't want to explain to her why I'm laughing hysterically. I'll be back on Monday.