Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Suldog The Magnificent




I asked for it. You gave me the answers, to which I had to supply the questions. Without any further ado (or farther ado, or mother ado) here goes nothing (and I do mean nothing.)

Well, actually, just a bit of ado.

First, some of you aren't very good at telling time. Because I knew this wouldn't be tremendously easy to pull off, I set a deadline of 5pm eastern time. A few of you submitted your answers after that. I still love you, but you get no questions.

Second, in the spirit of full disclosure, I need it to be known that Suldog The Magnificent was ably assisted in this exercise by MY WIFE THE WONDROUS. While reading her the questions I invented, she immediately gave me two that were much better. Feel free to guess which are hers, but no prizes if you do.

Finally, one of your answers completely stymied both of us. Not that we didn't come up with something for that answer; it's just that none of what we came up with was even remotely good. More on that at the end.

And here we go. Your answers are given, and were questioned, in the order received (excluding the one that was a total stumper.)

A: Calfrope

Q: What do you get when you braid a whole bunch of young cows together?

A: Andouille

Q: What do the French call pig guts in a tube so that you don't start barfing the minute it's set on your plate?

(Alternate: Give the next phrase in the progression beginning with "And I", "And You", "And He"...)

A: Mozzarella

Q: What was the name of Barbarella's smelly sister?

A: Girdle

Q: What do you cook falpjacks on?

A: Double D-Cups

Q: Name the medical condition characterized by continuing spasmodic contractions of the diaphragm, and violent expulsions of air accompanied by "Hic!", that repeats several times per minute upon seeing an abundantly endowed woman.

A: Relativity

Q: What do you call a Christmas display that features little figurines of your own family?

A: Hypocrite

Q: What answer should you expect if you ask someone with a stereotypical Japanese accent about the part of a female hippo's anatomy that gives her great pleasure?

A: Obama

Q: What does Mississippi say when it's being excited by it's eastern neighbor?

A: My pink tutu.

Q: What will I try next if it turns out that my pink one-one is broken?

A: A-Rod, Joe Torre, The Arizona Cardinals, The City of Boston, and Annoyingly Boring.

Q: Name a baseball fraud, a baseball god, a football champ, a place currently damp, and a descriptive phrase for this entire exercise.

A: Flowerbed.

Q: Where do pansies sleep?

A: Wattle.

Q: How do tucks walk?

A: Fogey

Q: What comes after threegey?

A: Race City USA

Q: Where do a whole bunch of guys named Ray live?

A: Crematorium

Q: What do you call it when the government puts a temporary halt to the production of stuff to put in your coffee?

A: Dry red wine

Q: What does the farmer zinfandel drink?

A: Artsy-fartsy

Q: What did Mona Lisa and Whistler's Mother do after the baked bean supper?

A: Speed limit

Q: What's 55 if you see a cop, but non-existent otherwise?

A: Teapot

Q: If I was Orange Pekoe, what would I smoke before going to a Jimmy Buffett concert?

A: Feline

Q: Where do you have to stand in order to pay for your new cat?

And now, the stumper.

A: 42 Squared.

I'm not illiterate. I've read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. So, sure, I could have said something having to do with 42 being the ultimate answer. However, this was an exercise in writing comedy, NOT an exercise in re-writing somebody else's comedy. Therefore, I didn't want to say...

Q: What is the ultimate answer to absolutely nothing?

I played with this...

Q: What is Jackie Robinson multiplied by Bill Clinton?

... but rejected it on the grounds of being too esoteric.

Meanwhile, MY WIFE struggled with the concept of a rather chesty woman getting her boobs stuck in a saltine box, but she couldn't quite get at the physics of the thing.

Puns were equally unwieldy.

Q: What does 42 become when you jump out at it and say "Boo!"?

In the end, I decided that I might just as well admit defeat. I'm used to it and it suits me well. If you can come up with something better, more power to you. By all means, leave your best in the comments. If it truly is better than any of the foregoing, you shall be anointed Gunga Din (or Gunga Dinness) For The Day.

Soon, with more better stuff.


38 comments:

PG said...

well played!

I wasn't expecting to have all my answers questioned in one question, but it worked very well.

Carolina said...

I bow to you and your queen! You are the most punny feople I don't know.
Big bellylaughs here. Thanks for that!

Elaine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lime said...

nicely done. bravo to you and your wonderful wife. i like the title of gunga dinnes but i have nothing to offer that might capture that title...so i shall have to remain grand high exalted mystic lime, ruler of the universe.

next exercise i think you should write answers to go with the word veri. mine is "splacus"

Elaine said...

I was wise enough to not reply after 5pm :)

Boyfriend: *rubbing his girlfriend's thigh* "Did you know that hundreds of innocent Székely people were murdered by the Austrians in 1764?"

Girlfriend: * kissing his left nipple* "Uh huh. And did you know that 42 squared equals 1764?"

Boyfriend: * taking off his glasses and reaching for the calculator* "You're right, my darling! How wonderful! Shall we fornicate now?"


A: 42 squared
Q: What do two boring gits talk about before sex?

Sorry...it was the best I could do!

(Apologies for the deleted comment; that was me buggering it up.)

jinksy said...

Have you spent a lifetime setting exam papers in reverse? V clever!

jill said...

nicely done...thanks for the laughs!

Moannie said...

I liked that game, can we play some more?

T said...

Bravo, Bravo! Thanks for the good laughs to start my day.

LMAO on Elaines comment.:))

Pat - An Arkansas Stamper said...

You and YOUR DEAR WIFE are very clever. Thanks for all the chuckles, and for the belly laugh at your answer to Crematorium! (I have a weird sense of humor)

Michelle H. said...

Oh, you are too good. I prostrate to your great wisdom(and don't do any funny business back there). lol!

Rhea said...

Oh, I see. It's like Jeopardy, only weird.

Angie Ledbetter said...

You truly are Suldawg the Magnificent and kudos to Ms. Suldawg too. Great answers!

Hilary said...

Very well done. Standing ovation for you and YOUR WIFE. Encore!;)

Suldog said...

Elaine - That... was... stunningly magnificent. And somewhat of a turn-on, too, so you get bonus points.

Bravo!

Buck said...

Yup: most excellent! I won't even TRY to top Elaine...

Karen said...

Good job! Steve Allen was one of my favorites too... I still remember his laugh: heh heh heh heh

Jazz said...

Well done! And hilarious.

Karl said...

Good Afternoon Suldog,

Good job, that was very funny.

Laney definitely wins the bonus.

John-Michael said...

I just shake my head in overwhelmed amazement. To enjoy the capacities of such a mind! And EVEN BETTER, to have as a life Partner One who can ... and is willing to ... participate in such exercises of mental and perceptual hijinks! Well, My Friend ... you are indeed well blessed (and I am [as always] quite impressed!)

Anali said...

Well done! I think this should be a regular post here. Maybe once or twice a month. Was that bossy? I guess I should say that I would enjoy it very much if you would do that again on a regular basis. ; )

Daisy said...

That was great!! Totally unexpected every time. Is that you in your crown?!

Suldog said...

I am, indeed, the one wearing the crown. For the gender-challenged, I am the one on the left.

Janet said...

Brilliant (and thanks for clocking me out slightly late).
You and YOUR WIFE should do this again sometime. Or work up a comedy routine. I think Leno needs a bit of help lately. I like him, but he's no Carson.

Sandi McBride said...

You redeemed yourself for the whole mess by admitting Joe Torre is a baseball god...Joe Torre is my hero...Mac is just a little jealous because I actually plan to meet Joe one day...and what does 42 become when you jump out at it and say boo?
6...or sick...good job here Suldog...I was only joking about the redeeming...cept for Joe...there was nothing to redeem!
Sandi

Suldog said...

I think even the most ardent Red Sox fans (maybe particularly the most ardent) have big-time respect for Joe Torre. The man is a class act.

david mcmahon said...

I vote for you.

Chris Stone said...

very fun post! liked them all...

42 squared has me stumped too.

GreenJello said...

I think the best one was "relativity". That made me laugh right out loud, even sitting here at my desk at work. :)

Braja said...

Evening, sir. :) Thanks for comin' by. Make it a habit. Or else.

connie/mom said...

This is not very good, but I thought I'd jump in and try it.

A. 42 squared
Q. What does an older hip dude become when he puts on his Nehru jacket.

Suldog said...

Mom - You no doubt remember when Dad bought one? It was actually during a time period when it could have been considered hip, but still.

Suldog said...

Braja - Same to you, sister.

Betty said...

Now you've done it! Made me laugh so hard milk spurted from my nose! This is just too much fun for we readers...and seems to have been great fun for you and Ms. Suldog. May we play again soon? Could we try it using the funny word verifications which pop up? Some of them are a hoot in their own right!

Betty said...

Had to come back and tell you my word verification is dophuced....depending on your pronunciation, this one has endless possibilities, eh?

Meredith Teagarden said...

Well done to both you and YOUR WONDROUS WIFE!

Hilary said...

Oh bad me! I'm usually so good with puns/play on words, and your (or maybe it was YOUR WIFE's) answer for "dry, red wine" had me scratching my head - then it suddenly hit me just now. I feel like such a dope! That was a VERY GOOD ONE!

Jenn said...

A: Relativity

Q: What do you call a Christmas display that features little figurines of your own family?


My favorite! These are all fantastic though, so punny!

Nice job with 42 squared Elaine, love it.

As a DIE HARD Sox fan I only have respect for Torre now that he is not with the Yankees and winning ring after ring. Although it was not him per se it was his direction that led them to kicking our sorry asses in the first place. In LA he is definitely a class act and terrific manager.