Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I asked for it. You gave me the answers, to which I had to supply the questions. Without any further ado (or farther ado, or mother ado) here goes nothing (and I do mean nothing.)
Well, actually, just a bit of ado.
First, some of you aren't very good at telling time. Because I knew this wouldn't be tremendously easy to pull off, I set a deadline of 5pm eastern time. A few of you submitted your answers after that. I still love you, but you get no questions.
Second, in the spirit of full disclosure, I need it to be known that Suldog The Magnificent was ably assisted in this exercise by MY WIFE THE WONDROUS. While reading her the questions I invented, she immediately gave me two that were much better. Feel free to guess which are hers, but no prizes if you do.
Finally, one of your answers completely stymied both of us. Not that we didn't come up with something for that answer; it's just that none of what we came up with was even remotely good. More on that at the end.
And here we go. Your answers are given, and were questioned, in the order received (excluding the one that was a total stumper.)
Q: What do you get when you braid a whole bunch of young cows together?
Q: What do the French call pig guts in a tube so that you don't start barfing the minute it's set on your plate?
(Alternate: Give the next phrase in the progression beginning with "And I", "And You", "And He"...)
Q: What was the name of Barbarella's smelly sister?
Q: What do you cook falpjacks on?
A: Double D-Cups
Q: Name the medical condition characterized by continuing spasmodic contractions of the diaphragm, and violent expulsions of air accompanied by "Hic!", that repeats several times per minute upon seeing an abundantly endowed woman.
Q: What do you call a Christmas display that features little figurines of your own family?
Q: What answer should you expect if you ask someone with a stereotypical Japanese accent about the part of a female hippo's anatomy that gives her great pleasure?
Q: What does Mississippi say when it's being excited by it's eastern neighbor?
A: My pink tutu.
Q: What will I try next if it turns out that my pink one-one is broken?
A: A-Rod, Joe Torre, The Arizona Cardinals, The City of Boston, and Annoyingly Boring.
Q: Name a baseball fraud, a baseball god, a football champ, a place currently damp, and a descriptive phrase for this entire exercise.
Q: Where do pansies sleep?
Q: How do tucks walk?
Q: What comes after threegey?
A: Race City USA
Q: Where do a whole bunch of guys named Ray live?
Q: What do you call it when the government puts a temporary halt to the production of stuff to put in your coffee?
A: Dry red wine
Q: What does the farmer zinfandel drink?
Q: What did Mona Lisa and Whistler's Mother do after the baked bean supper?
A: Speed limit
Q: What's 55 if you see a cop, but non-existent otherwise?
Q: If I was Orange Pekoe, what would I smoke before going to a Jimmy Buffett concert?
Q: Where do you have to stand in order to pay for your new cat?
And now, the stumper.
A: 42 Squared.
I'm not illiterate. I've read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. So, sure, I could have said something having to do with 42 being the ultimate answer. However, this was an exercise in writing comedy, NOT an exercise in re-writing somebody else's comedy. Therefore, I didn't want to say...
Q: What is the ultimate answer to absolutely nothing?
I played with this...
Q: What is Jackie Robinson multiplied by Bill Clinton?
... but rejected it on the grounds of being too esoteric.
Meanwhile, MY WIFE struggled with the concept of a rather chesty woman getting her boobs stuck in a saltine box, but she couldn't quite get at the physics of the thing.
Puns were equally unwieldy.
Q: What does 42 become when you jump out at it and say "Boo!"?
In the end, I decided that I might just as well admit defeat. I'm used to it and it suits me well. If you can come up with something better, more power to you. By all means, leave your best in the comments. If it truly is better than any of the foregoing, you shall be anointed Gunga Din (or Gunga Dinness) For The Day.
Soon, with more better stuff.