Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Suldog's Home For Abused Fruitcakes



[Those of you who have been coming here for a while might recognize this piece. It is from two years ago on approximately the same date. As a matter of fact, if you're new here, I should probably give you a general warning: the longer you come here, the more you'll find out how lazy I am. As long as nobody threatens to shoot me or something, I'll reprint scads of old stuff. I figure once I have 250 good pieces in the archives, I can stop writing altogether and just shove them out here to do their dances during the appropriate seasons.

The general warning also applies to "new" pieces, by the way. I'll recycle the same jokes enough times to deserve an award from The Sierra Club. It's not all bad, though. You can pretend you're part of an exciting social experiment. This may end up being the first truly green blog, run totally on renewable resources.

Be that as it may - and, unfortunately, it is - here is my heartfelt plea for fruitcake clemency.

Oh! In addition to this brutal foreword, there will be a brutal addendum. See you then!]

A CONFESSION

I am about to make an extremely shocking admission, even for a reprobate like me. You should probably sit down. You might even wish to take a medicinal belt beforehand, so that the enormity of the truth I'm about to reveal to you doesn't send you into immediate cardiac arrest.

Are you ready? OK, here goes.

I love fruitcake.

There. I said it. It's not something very many people would admit to these days, what with the unabashed fruitcake bashing that goes on during every Christmas season, but I've never been reticent about bringing up my peculiarities, so there it is. Little fluorescent green things that purport to be fruit? Love 'em. Cake with an approximate weight equal to lead? Bring it on! Cherries of a bright red hue not found in any part or portion of nature? I just plain can not get enough.

I realize this places me in the minority these days. Most folks seem to have no better use for fruitcakes than to launch them with catapults or some similar desecration. At best, they are used as doorstops, or perhaps something with which to whack an intruder over the head.

I, on the other hand, like to eat them.

Say what you will about my taste - or lack thereof - I really love fruitcake, and it pains me every time somebody makes the blanket assertion that nobody eats them. Saying something like that makes it so much harder for me to find one when I want one, and makes it damned near impossible to get one as a present (which I very much appreciate, by the way.) It seems that almost nobody is willing to risk incurring the wrath of the snarky jokesters who have made "fruitcake" some sort of holiday curse word.

MY WIFE used to make a really great fruitcake, but she hasn't for a few years now. She lost her recipe. Oh, the tears I've shed! That was my best shot at getting fruitcake for Christmas, without having to actually buy one.


Look, if you have fruitcake that you want to get rid of, please don't hurl it into space or relegate it to anonymous doorstop duty. Send it to ME. I'd love to give it a nice home (in my belly) and I will sing your praises should you send me one. Here's an address, and you can feel free to pass it on to anyone you think might be interested:

Suldog's Home For Abused Fruitcakes
93 Winsor Avenue
Watertown, MA 02472


No joke - send 'em! Believe me, you'll build up whole bunches of karma points if you do.

[2008 addendum: I have already received two fruitcakes this holiday season.


They came from my Uncle Jim (who sent me one last year, too, and a mighty fine fruitcake it was. I expect that this year's will be just as delicious.) His was made by monks, so it's all religious and stuff - bonus points! Also, I've been gifted with one from good friends Thimbelle, Twinkie, and The Wrench (who doesn't get a link because he appears to be the only one in the family without a blog. Slacker!) I haven't tried theirs yet, as it only arrived last evening, but it sure looks yummy!

However, as delicious as those two appear to be, and as thankful as I am for them, they will not be enough. More! I need more fruitcakes! Send them, NOW! And I thank you.]

24 comments:

Rich said...

YOUR WIFE may have married a fruit cake. Tee hee

mlh said...

Sorry. I don't have a fruitcake to send you. I never made one before. But I could always go through my mother's old cookbooks for her fruitcake recipe and send that to you. Everybody would make requests for hers since she would soak the candied and dried fruit in plenty of brandy and rum.

Of course, I could always skip the recipe and just send you the rum...

Got 2 Trot Librarian said...

Best post title ever!

Thimbelle said...

Yay! So glad it arrived! I can rest easy tonight, knowing that you and your fruitcake have been properly introduced. The rest is up to you...

And, actually, TW does have his own web site... but it's under his RL name, and it's really boring stuff about cars and garages and tools and other greasy stuff. So I can't link to it without blowing my cover! ;)

Buck said...

It's a Good Thing you don't live in Kallyfhorneeya with a post title like this. You'd probably have all sorts of weird-os queued up at your door...

My great grandmother used to send my family two fruitcakes every Christmas season when I was a child, no matter where in the world we happened to be. One was wrapped in linen and literally soaked with brandy, the other was brandy-free and as dry as sawdust by the time her package reached us. Needless to say... the brandy-laced fruitcake disappeared in NO time at all and the dry fruitcake suffered a terrible fate, usually involving large round receptacles of one sort or another.

I've never since found a fruitcake that compared to my great-grandma's. I'd be a fan of 'em... if I could find one.

Shrinky said...

Aw, I understand, if not share your pecadillo - every Christmas, my ma trawled out her dreaded "Clooty Dumpling" to the table. This was a steamed, heavier version of your aforementioned fruitcake, with the added delight of having thruppenny pieces rammed inside it. It never failed to delight with the odd broken tooth or near death experience randomly dealt out to the lucky recipients.

Happy days.

lime said...

in trinidad they make fruit cake the way mlh describes. it's a high proof dessert because even after it's baked they drench it in rum repeatedly.

if i get a rum cake i will send it to you without a moment's hesitation. i could also send you a recipe for trinidadian fruit cake, which doesn't have the unnatural colors, but has lots of rum soaked fruit in it and could double as a doorstop.

i am also tickled to think my post today has inspired some new material from you. i can't wait (not just because it's new but because it's sure to be a wonderful reminiscence).

Angie Ledbetter said...

Oh joy! I've had a family fruitcake (food, not person) recirculated and regifted around since the mid-60s! I hope I can remember who has ownership, so I can get it from them and mail it to you pronto.

PS. Loved the cartoon. Woulda been better if the shrink had had a huge Happy Hanukah sign on his office door. :)

PSS For fruitcake lovers, here's the real scoop & recipe from Miss Sook (Truman Capote's aunt, the original Fruitcake Lady)which includes bourbon: http://www.recipesource.com/baked-goods/desserts/cakes/10/rec1091.html

Lulda Casadaga said...

My word...you are my long lost brother/twin or relative...because I LOVE IT TOO!! And no one ever buys me one either!

I think we need to see "Buck's" great grannys receipe and of course lime's trinadadian rummy delight here too!

I've seen a show about that Trappist fruitcake...I'm so jealous! :P Well enjoy your treats oh brother of mine...
p.s.
I'm a Pisces too! Love Boston!

CrazyCath said...

I agree with Rich. Talking of rich, how rich do you like your fruitcake? In fact, if you ARE a fruitcake, how rich are you?

Just wonderin'....

If I acquire a fruitcake, I will send it to you forthwith. Promise.

Ragtop Day said...

I have to join the minority in not appreciating the culinary delights (cough, cough) of the fruitcake, but I would like to pass along Jimmy Buffett's assertion that "We need more fruitcakes in this world!" and the kind he was referring to, I can get behind.

I hope you get lots and lots! The more you get, the less for the rest of us! :)

Hilary said...

If you could just add some chocolate to that cake, it would be perfect! Actually I don't dislike it.. i just don't LOVE fruitcake. So the next one I get (which might well be the first) will be yours.

G-Man said...

Suldog...
Thanks for visiting me today and the well wishes. I loved your post today!! I also LOVE fruit cake!!
I know that Limey thinks an awful lot of you, and any friend of Trini's is all right by me!!
(I also Love Mince Meat Pie..hehe)

Mushy said...

I love fruit cake too...especially juicy ones with lots of nuts and cherries! So, I won't be sending one...if I had one, I'd eat it!

ciara said...

fruitcakes are only good for public stonings LOL jk :P~~ if hubs gets a fruitcake this year, i'll ship it to you. *cross your fingers* lol :)

Ladybuggz said...

Collin Street fruitcakes are the best! My whole family loves fruitcake, and we send them to each other. Unfortunately, my household doesn't get one anymore -- my mother can't have nuts (and without pecans, there's not much use in living), and my dad and I can't finish one by ourselves before it molds. :o(

A Soldier's Wife..... said...

Oh, Sul.....your poor stomach. I am sure your wife's was great, but oh the thought :D

Hey just a thanks for your kind words....you are just a great soul!

Happy Thursday!

A Soldier's Wife

Anonymous said...

Love your writing!

I can't open Que Sarah Sarah site anymore. Don't know what the problem is.

They do make Zero candy bars still. :)

Suldog said...

I just tried Sarah's site and no problem. Whatever it was, I guess it's fixed!

Chris Stone said...

Suldog, my grandmother would have loved you.

Jenn said...

Mushy said...
I love fruit cake too...especially juicy ones with lots of nuts and cherries! So, I won't be sending one...if I had one, I'd eat it!


Yup, what Mushy said...sorry but on the rare occassion we get a fruitcake around here it never lasts because it is gone too fast! LOVE it :)

david mcmahon said...

You callin' me a fruitcake?

i beati said...

my mother made homemade fruitcake months in advance- soaked the cheesecake in rum laden cheesecloth in advance and I loved it. Wow were they chocked full of goodies. It was not till I was an adult that I was chastised by the outside non fruity world ??Oh well..Sandy

Janet said...

The Mountain Man makes fruitcake cookies every year. I would send you some, but he ate them all (I refuse to touch them - fruit and cookies should not be used together in a sentence, much less something that's supposed to be edible). I'll send some next year.