Wednesday, December 10, 2008
[Those of you who have been coming here for a while might recognize this piece. It is from two years ago on approximately the same date. As a matter of fact, if you're new here, I should probably give you a general warning: the longer you come here, the more you'll find out how lazy I am. As long as nobody threatens to shoot me or something, I'll reprint scads of old stuff. I figure once I have 250 good pieces in the archives, I can stop writing altogether and just shove them out here to do their dances during the appropriate seasons.
The general warning also applies to "new" pieces, by the way. I'll recycle the same jokes enough times to deserve an award from The Sierra Club. It's not all bad, though. You can pretend you're part of an exciting social experiment. This may end up being the first truly green blog, run totally on renewable resources.
Be that as it may - and, unfortunately, it is - here is my heartfelt plea for fruitcake clemency.
Oh! In addition to this brutal foreword, there will be a brutal addendum. See you then!]
I am about to make an extremely shocking admission, even for a reprobate like me. You should probably sit down. You might even wish to take a medicinal belt beforehand, so that the enormity of the truth I'm about to reveal to you doesn't send you into immediate cardiac arrest.
Are you ready? OK, here goes.
I love fruitcake.
There. I said it. It's not something very many people would admit to these days, what with the unabashed fruitcake bashing that goes on during every Christmas season, but I've never been reticent about bringing up my peculiarities, so there it is. Little fluorescent green things that purport to be fruit? Love 'em. Cake with an approximate weight equal to lead? Bring it on! Cherries of a bright red hue not found in any part or portion of nature? I just plain can not get enough.
I realize this places me in the minority these days. Most folks seem to have no better use for fruitcakes than to launch them with catapults or some similar desecration. At best, they are used as doorstops, or perhaps something with which to whack an intruder over the head.
I, on the other hand, like to eat them.
Say what you will about my taste - or lack thereof - I really love fruitcake, and it pains me every time somebody makes the blanket assertion that nobody eats them. Saying something like that makes it so much harder for me to find one when I want one, and makes it damned near impossible to get one as a present (which I very much appreciate, by the way.) It seems that almost nobody is willing to risk incurring the wrath of the snarky jokesters who have made "fruitcake" some sort of holiday curse word.
MY WIFE used to make a really great fruitcake, but she hasn't for a few years now. She lost her recipe. Oh, the tears I've shed! That was my best shot at getting fruitcake for Christmas, without having to actually buy one.
Look, if you have fruitcake that you want to get rid of, please don't hurl it into space or relegate it to anonymous doorstop duty. Send it to ME. I'd love to give it a nice home (in my belly) and I will sing your praises should you send me one. Here's an address, and you can feel free to pass it on to anyone you think might be interested:
Suldog's Home For Abused Fruitcakes
93 Winsor Avenue
Watertown, MA 02472
No joke - send 'em! Believe me, you'll build up whole bunches of karma points if you do.
[2008 addendum: I have already received two fruitcakes this holiday season.
They came from my Uncle Jim (who sent me one last year, too, and a mighty fine fruitcake it was. I expect that this year's will be just as delicious.) His was made by monks, so it's all religious and stuff - bonus points! Also, I've been gifted with one from good friends Thimbelle, Twinkie, and The Wrench (who doesn't get a link because he appears to be the only one in the family without a blog. Slacker!) I haven't tried theirs yet, as it only arrived last evening, but it sure looks yummy!
However, as delicious as those two appear to be, and as thankful as I am for them, they will not be enough. More! I need more fruitcakes! Send them, NOW! And I thank you.]