Monday, July 07, 2008

Play Like A Chimp Today

If you’ve been coming here for any significant length of time, then you know that MY WIFE is my soul mate. We live well, laugh often, and love much. We play like a chimp almost every day.

That’s an inside joke between me and MY WIFE. I could just leave it at that, but since that would leave this entry at about 1,400 words short of my usual neoplasmic postings (as well as leave you utterly bewildered) I’ll explain, instead.

See, we were watching a Notre Dame football game one Saturday, and...

No, that’s a lie. We weren’t watching a Notre Dame football game. I was watching a Notre Dame football game and MY WIFE wandered into the room at a propitious moment. Soul mate though she may be, I don’t believe MY WIFE has ever voluntarily watched an entire football game in her life. She would rather spend three hours having her nipples twisted with a pair of needle nose pliers than spend an equal length of time watching a football game.

(Just so you know, I really tried to come up with a better equivalent than the needle nose pliers thing. I considered the following:

"She would rather have her bum nibbled by a dyspeptic goat."

"She would rather strip naked, tape cashews to her body, and spend three hours inside a hamper full of rabid squirrels."

"She would prefer dressing up in a Harley costume, going to a biker bar in Oakland, and saying, 'Vroom! Vroom!'"

[No, wait a minute. That’s what I’d rather do than watch another episode of Wife Swap. Nevermind.]

"She would rather have sex with me."

At that point, I knew I was making up stuff that nobody in their right mind could possibly believe, so I decided to just go with the pliers and move on.)

So, during this Notre Dame football game, there was a feature about the preparation leading up to the team going out onto the field. At the end of that vignette, they showed the Fighting Irish leaving the locker room and heading for the stadium. Just outside of the locker room (in a stairwell, as I recall) there was a sign hanging on the wall. Every player on the Notre Dame team touched that sign as they passed by it. It was meant to remind them of their mission. The sign said "Play Like A Champ Today."

Well, MY WIFE thought it would be more fun if the sign said "Play Like A CHIMP Today." She then started running around the room like a monkey, scratching her armpits and making "ooh-ooh-ah-ah" monkey sounds. I thought it was a great idea, so I joined in. We BOTH ran around the room scratching our armpits and making "ooh-ooh-ah-ah" monkey sounds. Then I twisted her nipples with a pair of needle nose pliers and we both slept well that night.

The next day, she made a small sign out of construction paper and hung it over our door. It read, of course, "Play Like A Chimp Today." And, for a couple of years, every time we left our apartment, we would reach up and touch that sign. Sometimes we made the monkey noises again.

There. Aren’t you glad I took the time to explain it?

Soon, with more better stuff.

(By the way, any of you know where I can rent a hamper full of rabid squirrels? It doesn’t have to be immediately. Next Valentine’s Day will do.)


Anonymous said...


Except that nipple-pliers thing... Shudder!


Michelle H. said...

I might be able to catch a squirrel or two from my yard for the right price, say a bottle of rum and 6 bunches of bananas.

Congratulations on your last post getting picked on Authorblog. YOU SO TOTALLY ROCK, DUDE!!

Suldog said...

Tim - Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Or maybe you have?

MLH - No, we need our bananas. How about rum and prunes? Thanks for the kind words. David is the best, isn't he?

SandraRee said...

shaking my head...trying to erase all the images you so kindly allowed me to envision.

Seriously, that's called sweet love where I come from. :)

David is the best and so are you. Congratulations on "Post of the Day"!

Chris Stone said...

that's a great sign and story! i need a sign like that...

and congrats! *will try to figure out what i'm congratulating you for.*

Janet said...

I'm guessing that nursing babies who are growing their teeth is a reasonable facsimile of needle-nosed pliers. After three years of that business, the nipples immediately clench in horror if anything or anyone goes near them.
We have a few squirrels, but I imagine that the 2 cats who hate and despise each other would serve the purpose.

endangered coffee said...

Any idea where I can get a Drink Like a Chimp shirt?

Anonymous said...

Hey! Since it's my birthday today, I think I *will* play like a chimp today!

No pliers allowed, though... ;)

Thim :)

Suldog said...

Thim - If you're having a party, I'll put on my Harley costume and be right over. Vroom! Vroom!

Buck said...

Well, now. I can relate to this post in a huge number of ways... first being I'm a HUGE ND fan; second, my ex- is an ND alumna; and third...we played like Chimps in our day, too. Oh yeah... fourth: The Second Mrs. Pennington never, to my knowledge, watched an entire football game ever, either. (ever, either? I've been reading you too much, Jim.) And she had freakin' tickets to EVERY ND home game for three years (minus the year she spent in Japan as a foreign-exchange student). Sacrilege.

K.C. said...

Glad my husband and I aren't the only ones who do strange and crazy things...

Or, at least pretend like we might...


Cath said...

LMAO. Brilliant stuff. And the best is, I know YOUR WIFE did that, including the noises. I don't believe you twisted her nipples with needle-nosed pliers or any other type of pliers unless you are blogging from the grave!

But I do believe you two are soul mates. I wish sometimes YOUR WIFE would do a post so we get to see a bit of her and the real you. ;0)

This was brilliant stuff yet again. And I only came over to tell you you're TAGGED!

Hilary said...

You make me laugh. A lot. Your little backtracks from the point, and revisits to a previous line combine to make you a wonderful story teller and comedian. You also warm my heart, and like Cath, I'd love to read a guest post from YOUR WIFE every now and then. Your fun is contagious. Thanks for that.

Merisi said...

Rabid squirrels?
Are you planning any monkey business???

lime said...


i mean that in a totally respectful, non girl on girl way.

i totally agree with her aversion to football and love her solution to making it tolerable and that you joined in with her playing like a chimp.

no wonder you two are soulmates!