Thursday, July 10, 2008

Oral Onanism Gets Mentioned In This (And That Works According To The Rules Set Forth, But Not If You Include This Parenthetical)


One of my more faithful readers, Crazy Cath, has tagged me. She's a psychiatric nurse by profession, which may come in handy later. She has asked me to do a meme of sorts. Being a lazy bastard – I should be writing up a few stories spurred by the treasure trove of family photographs that Dorothy gave me during my visit with her - and, by the way, Miriam, I got your letter - but I just don’t feel like putting in the effort, even though they’ll be really good stories and more likely to make you want to return than the following will (or this sentence – what a mess!) – I am going to do the meme.

The meme has the following rules:

1 – Write the title to your own memoir using exactly six words.

2 – Post it on your blog.

3 – Link to the person who tagged you.

4 – Tag five other bloggers.

Here’s my take on the rules:

Rule #1 sounds like a fun challenge. I’ll get to it after I spout a whole bunch of nonsensical filler concerning the other three rules.

Rule #2 (no offense, Crazy Cath) seems rather superfluous. I mean, if you go around composing six word titles to memoirs JUST IN YOUR HEAD, it doesn’t seem like a very useful endeavor, so of course you post it to your blog. However, in the UK (where Crazy Cath is from) they spell endeavor with a “u”, thusly: endeavour. So, maybe they do other things that are wastes of time and see them as perfectly useful endeavours, such as composing six word titles to memoirs JUST IN YOUR HEAD, and, if so, it explains why we whomped their asses in 1776 and have hardly had any trouble from them ever since then, unless you count 1812, which they probably don’t, so why should we? Their generals were all going around inserting superfluous U's into words and composing six word titles to their memoirs JUST IN THEIR HEADS, while George Washington was making actual battle plans. Of course, blogs hadn't been invented then, otherwise he would probably have been ranting to everyone back home in Mount Vernon about how miserable the winter was in Valley Forge, and then where would we be? Spelling color, colour, that's where! USA! USA! USA!

(As a matter of fact, I say we just make it SA! SA! SA! so we all remember just why we won the revolution.)

Rule #3 has been taken care of three times as many times as called for. That’s just the kind of people we Americans are, generos to a falt.

(Shhhhhh! She doesn’t know we don’t actually spell them that way!)

(Crazy Cath doesn’t, I mean. Four times as many times now. Generos! To a falt!)

Rule #4 is what all of you are dreading by this point (or, at least, you should be.) No fair skipping ahead to see if I’ve chosen you. You’ll have to make up your excuses for not doing it when you get there, not before.

OK, I suppose it’s time to give you my six-word memoir title. Here are a few I considered, but decided that they didn’t quite capture my true essence.

ENDEAVOUR. COLOUR. AND CHIPS ARE NOT FRENCH FRIES, DAMN IT! AND IF I EVER CALLED A TRUCK A LORRY, TRUCKERS FROM COAST-TO-COAST WOULD KICK MY ASS (EXCUSE ME, "ARSE") AND RIGHTFULLY SO. 1776! 1812! GENEROS! TO A FALT! CRAZY CATH! NOW IT’S FIVE TIMES AS MANY TIMES! I’M SO CLEVER, I WISH I COULD SUCK MY OWN DICK JUST TO SHOW MYSELF APPRECIATION FOR HOW MUCH I AMUSE ME (BUT I SUPPOSE I'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR GIVING MYSELF A HEARTY HANDSHAKE, INSTEAD.)

(Of course, that’s far more than six words, which is why I’m not using that one.)

(PARENTHESES.) (LOTS OF ‘EM.) (TOUGH SHIT.)

(That has the requisite six words, and does tell you something about what you could expect in the memoir, but it’s just a tad too belligerent.)

I’M GOD’S FAVORITE. DEAL WITH IT.

(The truth, of course, but obnoxious.)

THE TRUTH, OF COURSE, BUT OBNOXIOUS.

(Wait a minute. Am I inside the parentheses now or outside? I’ve lost track. This is harder than I thought.)

THIS IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

(That’s what she said.)

(No, no, no. I don’t mean Crazy Cath [six times; generos, falt] as she’s a fine moral married woman, and religious, and I’m not really sure that Brits actually have sex, and if they do, they probably call it intercorse. Shhhhhh! She doesn’t know it’s not spelled that way!)

LIBERTARIANS. SOFTBALL. CELTICS. READERSHIP DECLINES. WHOOPS!

(Too truthful. And if I start talking about those things now, I won’t have a single reader left [not even Crazy Cath; seven times; generos, falt.])})])

{Hah. Curly Brackets. N’YUK! N’YUK! N’YUK! Moe! Larry! The Cheese!}

HELLO? ANYONE STILL HERE? CRAZY CATH?

(Eight times.)

(Generos.)

(Falt.)

SOON, WITH MORE BETTER STUFF.

(Nope. That’s only five words, and a lie to boot.)

WHAT A BUNCH OF MEANDERING HORSECRAP!

Yup. That’ll do it. Honest, to the point, crude, and showing up about 500 words later than needed. That's me, in a nutshell.

And now, I tag...

Fat Hairy Bastard, Mushy, Buck, Lime, and John-Michael (the first three of whom will probably be mortified beyond belief to have been tagged in a post that includes a mention concerning sucking one’s own dick, and the other two of whom probably will be, too, but will be too nice to say anything about it.)

Soon, with... Oh, hell with it.

(Wait! That's six words! Can I change my title, please?)

(Ooh! Ooh! That's six words, too!)

(Oh my God! So is that!)

(My goodness! And so is this!)

(Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhh! I can't stop! Shit! Shit!)

(*keels over dead from apoplectic attack*)

12 comments:

Buck said...

Dang. This is gonna require some thought, an activity I've been famous for avoiding my entire adult life and most of my childhood.

As for being mortified: not. That's a skill that would have come in quite handy at times (most especially on those long deployments to places where women were few and far in between), had I not been short-changed in the endowment lottery (relatively speaking, for the purpose being discussed). Oops. TMI.

(And I can do parentheticals, too!)

Rooster said...

Hilarious! The rantings of a true lunatic! I love it!

lime said...

so what does it say about me that i think it's hilarious to be mentioned in a post with such a title? i'm not mortified by that..only that i have to come up with another 6 word memoir (did this a few months ago). but how could i possibly deny you? unthinkable

CrazyCath said...

Crash trolley is on it's way. (6)
Jumping up and down on chest. (6)
Breathe! Damn you - breathe! In! Out! (6)
We need yo and yor blog! (6)

Well, maybe we do. A bit. (6)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was absolutely hilarious - I laughed and had tears streaming down my face. EIGHT TIMES!! *Humbly blushes.*
Great memoirs. All of them.
Now about this u thing.
SA sounds good because (oops! I mean becase) you are hardly united. I mean, different laws, different states, same country (opps! contry) I mean - WTF? Same country (sorry - contry)? No way!

Now, the sex thing, it depends if you are upper class, middle class or lower class of course. I'll let you decide which I am. I'll giv yo a clue - upper class are attached somehow to royalty and do NOT say sex. Or have sex probably. They probably reproduce through osmosis or something. Dang I give it away...

So thank yo, humbly kind sir for linking me EIGHT times!!! Generos. To a falt. ;0)

John-Michael said...

No "cave" would suffice for writing area to contain your "carvings.!" Hence, Life's postponement of your arrival until the infinite resources of the blog were ready (if anything can ever be ready) for you. Beyond amazing, SulDog Man! I do believe that you could write an entire book that leads the reader through its complete content ... only to end with its Title. And the damn thing would be a best-seller!

Love Ya Jim. (in spite of this lousy Tag)

John-Michael said...

(PS ... check the Link in my response to your comment [grin])

Jeni said...

Crazy, almost beyond belief until one realizes who the author of this is! Sanity Questionable with Respect to Suldog (6).

Sandra Ree said...

Uh huh...just a wee bit "irreparably impaired mentally" it's the animal tranquilizer laced with speed I tell ya...

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Dude, I think I've already done this one. Wait, let me check...

Yep, and you did one in the comments. Not bad. Here's the link http://fathairybastard.blogspot.com/2008/04/who-i-am.html

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Oh, and on the autoerotic shenanigans... Dude, if my ear was a cunt I WOULD fuck it, but I ain't from Nantucket.

Kuanyin said...

Are you still dead? If so, nevermind reading my comment. Hah!

I was featured in the published Six Word Memoir book last year, but under another name. Hah Twice!

Janet said...

I laughed, I cried, I ordered the book. Oh, wait, it's not out yet. (6)