Monday, March 10, 2008

Welcome To The WDUH News

“Welcome to the WDUH News. I’m Jim Sullivan. Our top story tonight: Researchers from Harvard Medical School have concluded that we’re all going to die. For more on this, let’s go to our roving reporter, Charlie Rover. Charlie, is this true? Are we all going to die?”

“Yes, Jim, it appears so. According to a 10-year study just released by Harvard, the mortality rate for human beings is 100%.”

“And how will this effect us, Charlie?”

“Well, Jim, no matter what we do to prevent it, we’re all headed for an eternal dirt nap. This includes both men and women, Jim; there appears to be no discrimination by sex. Data from the study shows that exercising and eating “right” are not the panaceas we were led to believe. If you jog six days a week, drink nothing but vitamin-fortified triple-filtered bottled water, and eat only organically-grown fruits and vegetables, you’ll still end up in the same place as those folks who smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, eat red meat twenty times a week, and never get off of their couches for anything more strenuous than a walk to the fridge for a new beer.”

“Interesting, Charlie. Some people will no doubt say it’s not just a matter of dying, but that it’s more a quality-of-life issue, and we should still try to take care of ourselves. Is there a consensus concerning these people?”

“Thus far, Jim, the consensus seems to be ‘Shut the fuck up, you self-righteous assholes. What gives you the right to decide that your good life is my good life?’”

“Anything else, Charlie?”

“Yes, Jim. The government is warning people that, while these studies are completely reliable and 100% accurate, it is still against the law to take some obnoxious boob on a cell phone, throw him up against a wall, and riddle his body with bullets until he’s nothing but an unrecognizable puddle of blood and guts. While we’re all going to die, it is not up to individual citizens to hasten anyone else’s death, no matter how much they may deserve it.”

“Charlie, if we can’t kill them, is it alright to dope slap these people, instead?”

“I don’t see why not, Jim.”

“Thank you, Charlie. In other stories we’re following, FOX News and The New York Times are both reporting that politicians are liars. We turn to our political reporter, Joe Chartsandgraphs, for more. Joe?”

“Thank you, Jim. In a stunning development, both FOX News and The New York Times are reporting that politicians are less-than-honest in their portrayals of themselves in both print advertisements and broadcast commercials. In addition, they are saying that much of what any candidate tells an audience at a speaking engagement is pandering to gain votes, and that just about all of them have either hideous skeletons in their closets or not enough experience to have hideous skeletons in their closets.”

“Wow. That’s amazing, Joe. FOX and The Times are in total agreement?”

“Well, not quite, Jim. FOX is reporting this about Democrats and The Times is reporting it concerning Republicans.”

“Will this have any effect on the presidential race, Joe?”

“None whatsoever, Jim.”

“What about third-party candidates, Joe?”

“We’re still ignoring them as much as possible, Jim.”

“Thanks, Joe. And now, Bambi Smiley with news briefs. Bambi?”

“Thanks, Jim. A man arrested 26 times for drunken driving, but who still had a license, has killed someone in an auto accident. A rapist, mistakenly released from jail early due to a clerical error, has raped someone. In Dorchester, a pit bull attacked and seriously mauled a neighbor’s child. The owner of the dog said he had no idea that the animal could be so vicious. It is being reported that people with college degrees tend to earn more than those without one. And, finally, a new study suggests that every person on Earth tends to like those people who look like them, talk like them, and who hold similar values to them. Meanwhile, people tend to distrust those who don’t speak their language, dress in clothes they wouldn’t wear themselves, and who were born with different skin tones. All things being equal, we’re more likely to trust our identical twin than we are someone we’ve never met. This is not expected to change to any appreciable degree in the future.”

“So, Bambi, the world is still headed to hell in a handbasket? Ha-ha!”

“Ha-ha! I’d say it’s more like an out-of-control freight train, Jim. Ha-ha!”

“Ha-ha! Thank you, Bambi. We’ll be back with sports and weather after this word.”

“I’m Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message. It’s ten o’clock. It’s dark out. Ooh, scary! Where are your children? WHERE ARE YOUR CHILDREN??? Do you want someone in The White House with no experience when you don’t know where your children are and it’s all dark and scary? Worse yet, do you want someone in The White House who is all dark and scary? WHERE ARE YOUR CHILDREN???? Vote for Hillary Clinton. She lived in The White House when someone else was president, so she’s got experience! And she’s not black!”

“And now, WDUH sports. It looks like someone on the Red Sox is unhappy with his contract. Here’s Jock Sniffer with a report. Is that true, Jock? Is there unrest in the locker room?”

“There sure is, Jim. A Red Sox player has asked to be traded, claiming that he’s worth $11,000,000 a season, rather than the $8,000,000 that the Red Sox are currently paying him.”

“Gee! Who is it, Jock?”

“I’m not going to tell you his name because it makes no difference. If he comes to terms with the club, you won’t remember this or care about it six months from now. In the meantime, the only thing that matters around here is that he’s wearing a shirt that says ‘Red Sox’ on the front. Character issues are basically irrelevant and, what the hell, are we supposed to choose sides in an argument over yearly salaries when just the difference between the two figures is more money than anyone else is likely to make over a 45-year career spent in a job that actually matters? What’s the point?”

“What else is happening in sports, Jock?”

“A baseball player has been accused of using steroids, a football player has been accused of domestic abuse, marijuana was found in a search of a basketball player’s car, and nobody in Boston still really cares about soccer. A college basketball team is facing probation for recruitment violations and the 2016 Winter Olympics have been awarded to some city in Europe that nobody around here has ever heard of before. Oh, and the Bruins.”

“Thanks, Jock. We’ll be back with the weather after this word.”

“I’m Barack Obama, and I approved this message. I’m well-spoken, well-dressed, handsome and charismatic. I want change. Do you want change? Well, so do I. I want change. We can make change happen. I want change. Let’s change things. Change! I want it! Together, we can change things! Thank you.”

“And now, WDUH AccuWeather. It looks like we’ve got some snow ahead. Here with the weather is Dick Wetshispantsinanticipationofanythingevenremotelylookinglikesnow. Dick?”

“Jim, it looks like there might be a major winter storm headed our way. There could be anywhere from a few flakes that will pretty much melt upon hitting the ground at 3 am OR up to 18 inches! Here’s the latest radar imaging, showing a whole bunch of stuff that already happened. If it does turn out to be an actual blizzard, viewers will be able to count on WDUH to interrupt regularly-scheduled programming with updates every five minutes and otherwise panicking the populace into stampeding their local supermarkets in an effort to strip the shelves of staple items even though no storm in this area in approximately thirty years has left anyone truly trapped in their house and starving!”

“Wow! Dick, are the local authorities saying anything concerning this possible storm?”

“Yes, Jim, they’re asking that we stop running around like chickens with our heads cut off. We live in New England, after all, and we get at least one major snowstorm every year - sometimes four, five, or even six - and we should damn well be used to them by now. Oh, and there’s no money left in their budgets for plowing, of course.”

“Well, Dick, you’ve ruined my weekend again. Ha-ha!”

“Not my fault, Jim, but if anyone deserves it, you do! Ha-ha!”

“Ha-ha! That’s for sure, Dick! We’ll be back with Joanne Starsucker’s entertainment report, right after this word.”

“I’m John McCain, and I approved this message. Thirty years ago, I might have been considered a Democrat. Now those moonbats have moved so far to the left, I’ve become a centrist Republican by default. Republicans don’t really want to vote for me, and neither do any Democrats, but there’s no other viable choice left if you want to vote for someone who pledges to continue the war. Oh, and I’m neither black nor a woman. I can promise you that.”

“Here’s Joanne Starsucker with the entertainment news. Joanne, I hear there’s possible trouble ahead for someone.”

“Yes, Jim, there sure is! Another good-looking singing bimbo has become pregnant. There’s still speculation concerning who the father is, but whoever it turns out to be, rest assured most of the public will consider him unfit to be a father, but when given a choice between him and the singing bimbo, most will still consider him a better choice than her. Meanwhile, a major motion picture actor has been found to be in possession of narcotics, and a whole bunch of good looking yet otherwise spectacularly untalented dickheads and trollops are protesting something obvious.”

“Thanks, Joanne. I think I’ll head off any speculation by telling you right now that I’m not the father! Ha-ha!”

“Ha-ha! Neither am I, Jim! Ha-ha.”

“Ha-ha! Well, that will do it for the WDUH news for tonight. Be sure to stay tuned for The Late Tonight Show, where the comic host will do a topical monologue, then a regular bit that was bled to death years ago, before welcoming someone semi-famous, as well as an animal trainer with a cage full of something that everybody in the audience will find funny to see crawling up the host’s arm. Good Night!”


Sharfa said...

That was great!

Anonymous said...

Excellent stuff .. waiting for more to come ...

Anonymous said...

That was cute and entirely accurate.

Now do yourself a favor and see if you can stop watching it forever.

lime said...

ROFLMAO! now that was a truthful report and set of ads if ever i saw them1 loved it. would you consider running for office? no i guess not. you're too honest....oh well...

John-Michael said...

I bow! I applaud! I cheer! I sell admission tickets for readings which I will never report on any tax form or copyright disclosure. This is the most entertaining, enjoyable, amusing, creative, imaginative piece of writing that I have had the unmitigated pleasure and delight in reading in a ... well in something's age. You. Sir, take ALL of the marbles, blue ribbon, and whatever lurks behind door number 3.

Anonymous said...

I can't stand it! I have a hurt back and laughing aggravates it, stop making me laugh!

Janet said...

Gasp, wheeze, I'll be bacl later when I can stop laughing long enough to type coherently.

David Sullivan said...

Fuck the dieting and gym. I am going out to get drunk, eat chicken wings, bang some bimbo's and cross the street without looking both ways. Thanks for liberating me cuz!

Anali said...

LOL! You have another classic here! Oh and I found you by way of today! Congrats! : )

Buck said...

All the News that Fits...


Suldog said...

Thank you, all, for the wholly undeserved plaudits.

Anali - Yes, I was distressed to see myself featured there. As I told them in an e-mail, now I can't just slack off like I usually do. People will be expecting me to write something good every damn day now. The pressure is likely to kill me. If you read a story about me sticking my head in an oven, it's all's fault.

Chris Stone said...

Great post! No need for a T.V. you've got it covered!

Shrinky said...

A wonderful satire, a brilliant piece of writing. I love your style, I actually laughed out loud. I'm going back in to read it through again.. I have to say it's the wittiest post I've read in a long, long time. You have a flair for this - trouble now is, you're gonna' have to keep up this standard, aren't you? How do you hope to top this? Grin.

teegee said...

Holy crap that's funny.

Judging from the weather must be from around here (boston) ?

Kuanyin said...

Applause, applause! You know you love it! You deserve it--a satirist at his best!

Melinda said...

I can't believe I missed this yesterday! Seriously hurting from laughing so hard! Totally excellent post that makes me wish you were writing stuff for the TV - things would improve greatly if you were...

Pete said...

Sul, I'm late reading and responding but that was fabulous!

Absolut Ruiness said...

i almost cried through my nose at this!!! brilliant!