Friday, March 14, 2008
Sweet Jayzis, ‘tis Saint Patty’s day Monday! Time for the wearin’ o’ the green!
I’ll be startin’ me day off wit’ a pint o’ Guinness, an' then a big tub o’ corned beef an’ cabbage. After that - Tura Lura Loo! - I’ll slap ME WIFE upside her gob an' t’row me 26 kiddos down the stairs, so they'll be gettin' ready for mass in a proper way. After the service, I’ll punch Father O’Malley in the mush, then head on over to the pub an' meet Murph, Mac, Murph, Quinn, Tommy Fitz, Timmy Fitz, Jimmy Fitz, Murph, Sweeney, Sully, Sully, Big Sully, Fahey, Sully, and O’Brien for a few quarts o’ whiskey. Faith an' begorrah! Then we’ll have a grand time whalin’ the bejeezus out of each other until the blood runs in rivers, I tells ya! Toity toity toy! Then some more corned beef an’ cabbage an’ more whiskey an’ more Guinness while we tell each other tales o’ how, if we was still in the Auld Sod, we’d be beatin’ the snot out o’ whole armies o’ English arseholes. Ptooie!
O! Then the topper t' the whole grand day! The parade, by Jayzis! Won’t it be a fine sight to see all the lads an' lassies dressed in their finest an' marchin’ down the avenue? Ah, where’s me shillelagh? Another pint o’ Guinness, O’Reilly, an' póg mo thóin!
Ah, the barmaid is a fine homely lass, she is, but I’m a married man! Where’s ME WIFE? I want another 6 kids! Ah, ‘tis a fine day!
O’Toole, how are you? Go shit in yer fist, you boghoppin' son of a bitch! Where’s yer 42 kids?
Ah, Mullins! I thought that was you! Saints be praised, it’s good to see yer face!
An' I don’t suppose you were after forgettin’ the time you tripped me durin’ recess in the fifth grade, you bastard! Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!
Jayzis, Mary and Joseph! I’m so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole an' it’s time for me to go meet me 32 brothers an’ sisters who’re on the police department, an' me 64 uncles on the fire department, an’ me 487 cousins who work for the state, because we’re all goin’ over t' Seamus McCarthy’s house t' play the harp, drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef an' cabbage, and then fight all night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor an' they come t' take us away in the paddy wagon. Erin Go Bragh!
I’m partly Irish. You don’t get a name like Sullivan (or a face like mine) without some Irish blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.
The Irish are just about the only ethnic group remaining that you can defame with impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride in our rotten image.
When I say “us,” I say it with some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, and some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin deep.
So, by the stereotypes, this is me:
I’m a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper. However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll make a very wry joke while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the whole deal.
I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, and jalapenos on the side, please. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.
I’m up for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re doing it, I’m OK with that.
I think Jerry Lewis is a genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero and a derby underneath it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the government.
Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.
(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3 it is. Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)
So, I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that Monday isn’t Bastille Day, or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
Soon, con mas (whatever the French word for “better” is) stuff, me bucko.