Friday, March 14, 2008

It's A Great Day For The Semi-Irish!


Sweet Jayzis, ‘tis Saint Patty’s day Monday! Time for the wearin’ o’ the green!

I’ll be startin’ me day off wit’ a pint o’ Guinness, an' then a big tub o’ corned beef an’ cabbage. After that - Tura Lura Loo! - I’ll slap ME WIFE upside her gob an' t’row me 26 kiddos down the stairs, so they'll be gettin' ready for mass in a proper way. After the service, I’ll punch Father O’Malley in the mush, then head on over to the pub an' meet Murph, Mac, Murph, Quinn, Tommy Fitz, Timmy Fitz, Jimmy Fitz, Murph, Sweeney, Sully, Sully, Big Sully, Fahey, Sully, and O’Brien for a few quarts o’ whiskey. Faith an' begorrah! Then we’ll have a grand time whalin’ the bejeezus out of each other until the blood runs in rivers, I tells ya! Toity toity toy! Then some more corned beef an’ cabbage an’ more whiskey an’ more Guinness while we tell each other tales o’ how, if we was still in the Auld Sod, we’d be beatin’ the snot out o’ whole armies o’ English arseholes. Ptooie!

O! Then the topper t' the whole grand day! The parade, by Jayzis! Won’t it be a fine sight to see all the lads an' lassies dressed in their finest an' marchin’ down the avenue? Ah, where’s me shillelagh? Another pint o’ Guinness, O’Reilly, an' póg mo thóin!

(*Snort*)

Ah, the barmaid is a fine homely lass, she is, but I’m a married man! Where’s ME WIFE? I want another 6 kids! Ah, ‘tis a fine day!

(*punch*)

O’Toole, how are you? Go shit in yer fist, you boghoppin' son of a bitch! Where’s yer 42 kids?

(*smash!*)

Ah, Mullins! I thought that was you! Saints be praised, it’s good to see yer face!

(*crack*)

An' I don’t suppose you were after forgettin’ the time you tripped me durin’ recess in the fifth grade, you bastard! Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!

Jayzis, Mary and Joseph! I’m so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole an' it’s time for me to go meet me 32 brothers an’ sisters who’re on the police department, an' me 64 uncles on the fire department, an’ me 487 cousins who work for the state, because we’re all goin’ over t' Seamus McCarthy’s house t' play the harp, drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef an' cabbage, and then fight all night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor an' they come t' take us away in the paddy wagon. Erin Go Bragh!

(sigh)

I’m partly Irish. You don’t get a name like Sullivan (or a face like mine) without some Irish blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.

The Irish are just about the only ethnic group remaining that you can defame with impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride in our rotten image.

When I say “us,” I say it with some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, and some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin deep.

So, by the stereotypes, this is me:

I’m a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper. However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll make a very wry joke while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the whole deal.

I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, and jalapenos on the side, please. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.

I’m up for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re doing it, I’m OK with that.

I think Jerry Lewis is a genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero and a derby underneath it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the government.

Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.

(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3 it is. Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)

So, I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that Monday isn’t Bastille Day, or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.


Soon, con mas (whatever the French word for “better” is) stuff, me bucko.

25 comments:

David Sullivan said...

Its funny. Growing up with the name Sullivan I always thought that I was 100% Irish and later I found that my Norton (mom's) side is 100% (I still have second cousins that live in Roscommon), but the Sullivan side is only 1/2. Damn French and Scotts dilluted my pure bloodline straight to Cuchulainn. As if after the English, Norse, Spanish, Roman invaders didn't already dilute the Celts genes already!

I stopped going out on St. Paddy's years ago and I am proud to say I've never sipped a green beer.

Slainte.

Suldog said...

Cuz:

May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!

CrazyCath said...

Hi Suldog-
I been meaning to drop in for ages since I've seen you about. I came over from Shrinky's.

This post just has me creased up. As an English girl at one time married to a 100% Irishman and having spent time there eating bacon, spuds and cabbage daily (still like to make it sometimes for old times sake!) and experiencing the Irish lifestyle a bit, you are spot on man! Well, ok, slight exaggeration here and there, but who's counting? You ARE right about the Irish's ability to take no offence where others would though.

"However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Had been creased up and laughing out loud!

I'll be back over sometime.

Suldog said...

CrazyCath:

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

lime said...

ROFLMAO!! i love it.

i'm the mother of a red-headed daughter who is contunually asked if she is irish. i tell her to spill their wheels and tell them she is a quarter greek (since i am 50%) no one ever believes her. i'm adopted and my paternal grandmother is half irish which means absolutely nothing in terms of my own irish pedigree. i did however cause a considerable amount of hearty laughter for an irish pal of mine though when he found out what my german maiden name was, since it has more than subtle sexual overtones in irish slang. i'll just be leaving it at that for now....lol

Suldog said...

Lime:

May the good earth be soft under you
when you rest upon it,
and may it rest easy over you when,
at the last, you lay out under it,
And may it rest so lightly over you
that your soul may be out from under it quickly, and up, and off,
And be on its way to God.

Janet said...

I am STILL disappointed that there is no Irish in my blood. As in none. In fact, my mother's side were the bloody English oppressors. My father's side came over during the French Revolution, but his mother's family came from Germany in the 1700s. Thank you for noticing the fairy picture - I have about 20 in the garden. I would have more, but surprisingly enough I am a bit particular about what they should look like. Cheers, mate!

John-Michael said...

Jim, Me Darlin', you are what I have disciplined myself to wait to read until the day's end. I like to finish it off with a smile of admiration and gratitude for a guy who can pull of saying "Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get" and not have one of God's souls unhappy with it. You have Soul!

I love you, My Friend

Balcony Gal said...

OhMyGodHilarious. All of it. Well done.

CrazyCath said...

Suldog - thank you for that blessing. I have been blessed with every one of them and continue to be so.

May you be so blessed also.

Shrinky said...

Ha! That explains the multiple personalities then?

I have a hard enough time being a transplanted Scot with an English family. Most folk don't realise I'm scots until they hear me talk to my sister (she also lives on the island). We left Scotland when I was eight, but to hear us both together, you'd think we'd never left. My kids find it hystrical, claim they can't understand a word between us.

Have a great St. Paticks Day!

Mushy said...

Aye, I started early with black & tans at the local Irish Pub...it's good to be Scotch/Irish/Cherokee with a wee bit of English thrown it to calm me nerves!

Minnesotablue said...

Suldog: Great post! You had me laughing up a storm. I am one fourth Irish but never made a big deal of it. When you are so many different nationalites it's hard to identify with only one.

Suldog said...

Janet:

May your day be touched by a bit of Irish luck, brightened by a song in your heart, and warmed by the smiles
of the people you love.

Suldog said...

John-Michael:

May the rains sweep gentle across your fields,
May the sun warm the land,
May every good seed you have planted bear fruit,
And late summer find you standing in fields of plenty.

Suldog said...

Balcony Gal:

May neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

Suldog said...

Crazy Cath:

I decided to give a blessing to everyone who commented, but - as you graciously point out - you already got one. So, I'll give you another, but it's one of the second-class ones, if you don't mind.

May the frost never afflict your spuds.

Suldog said...

Shrinky:

May the sun always shine on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Suldog said...

Mushy:

May the blessing of light be on you —
light without and light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you, and warm your heart till it glows like a great peat fire.

Suldog said...

MinnesotaBlue:

May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours, wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours!

Buck said...

Brilliant, Jim! I'm glad I fell behind last week, coz I get to read this on St. Pat's day...

And green beer has never touched MY lips either, but a good deal of Guinness has.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Suldog said...

Buck:

May St. Patrick guard you wherever you go, and guide you in whatever you do, and may his loving protection be a blessing to you always.

Anali said...

Great post! I hope you enjoyed the day! ; )

Kuanyin said...

You're a comic GENIUS! Here's to your part Irish self one day late!

Brian in Oxford said...

Guinness is soooo much better on tap....I did a little taste testing this weekend.

Anyway, my wife doesn't have a lot of Irish in her....so I do what I can to help ;-)