Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The State Of The Suldog Address

I'm going to be off-line for a few days. MY WIFE is having an operation on Thursday and I'll be accompanying her to the hospital. She'll have to be off her feet for most of a day or two, so I'll be helping her at home on Friday and during the weekend. Since I have no internet access at home, that means you don't get anything new from me until at least next Monday.

The operation is nothing to be overly-alarmed about. Of course, any time a person goes under the knife, it's a bit worrisome. However, this is something she has elected to have done. I can't go into a lot of detail without compromising her right to privacy and/or possibly embarrassing her. I suppose I can divulge that it's usually female-specific, but isn't just a cosmetic procedure. If you guess, I'm not going to tell you if you're right or wrong. Anyway, prayers are welcome, but the probability (and the hope) is that they won't be needed.

In the meantime, I thought this might be worth re-running. It's been about a year, and the only things that have changed are that I'm past my hemi-centennial and I won't be playing softball in the coming year, so it's still relevant. And, as we all know, a relevant never forgets.


Ladies and gentlemen of the press,
Welcome to The State Of The Suldog address.
If you want to be happy, take my advice
Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Hah-hah. Just a little poetic humor to break the tension. Since Suldog is approaching a hemi-centennial, I thought there might be some trepidation among you as to the particulars of this speech. I see now that you don’t really give a rat’s ass, so I’ll just continue on in the customary oblivious fashion.

Before we go on, though, I do want to say that I’m very pleased to see that most of you have dressed appropriately for the occasion. Only one of you is wearing just underwear. That’s OK. I’m behind a podium, so I didn’t see the need to wear pants, either. Rage against the machine, my brother!

(Or my sister. It’s hard to tell from this distance.)

I’ll kick things off with a general overview. Everything that Suldog is supposed to have two of, he still does. The same holds true for those things of which he should have either one or ten. No necessary parts are missing and it is hoped that this good trend will continue for the foreseeable future.

OK. For specifics, let’s start at the top and work our way down.

I hate to begin on a low note, but it’s no secret that the top of the skull is a problem. This area has been hit extremely hard by recession. I think it’s safe to say that the recession is over, but that hardly mitigates the fact that the entire region has already been declared a disaster area. I could put a positive spin on this by saying that there have been significant savings due to non-expenditure on hair sprays, pomades, gels, mousse, and all other things usually associated with such regions, but that would be disingenuous. I’m not here to kid you, ladies and gentlemen. I’m here to give you the bald truth.

Now, the area directly beneath the skullcap is another thing altogether. There is reason to believe that there might be significant growth here since I smell bacon at the oddest times. No, just kidding; nothing to worry about. Everything is the same in this area as it has always been. I can assure you that there has been no increase in gray matter.

As alluded to briefly earlier, there are still two eyes. However, we have had to invest in capital improvements in order to optimize function. At this time, the addition of constructions mostly made from glass has improved the outlook tremendously. I must be truthful with you and tell you that there is further degradation expected in the future. At that time, we may look into surgical strikes as an alternative or, barring that, a striped cane and a dog.

The ears are still one of the most outstanding features of Suldog. As a matter of fact, if they were any more outstanding, he wouldn’t be able to fit through doorways. Barump-bump!

No, no, the ears are just fine. As body parts go - and they’re all going to sometime - the ears have proven themselves to be a fine investment. They are an integral component of Suldog’s livelihood and I’m willing to go so far as to say that an increased expenditure for muffs is probably warranted.

(I said, “muffs”, plural. Get your mind out of the gutter. This is serious business here.)

Closely associated with the ears are the nose and throat. In earlier times, as you are probably all aware, the nose was not in good shape at all. This was due to the unnatural influx of snow during the 1980’s. As a result of the constant freezing of the area at that time, there remain major blockages and detours in the infrastructure. There has been full economic recovery, but that has not meant a return to previous levels of functionality. We have been able to achieve significant clearage through the use of oxymetazoline hydrochloride, but this remedy is always temporary and must be undertaken four or five times daily. Now, I realize that there are alarmists among you who contend that this is actually damaging the structure to a greater extent, rather than ensuring a long-term solution. To this I say, *snort*.

As for the throat, it is more than earning its keep. It is the one area of Suldog that consistently shows a surplus. This is despite the fact that it demands more and more cookies almost every day. Along with the tongue, it has shown an amazing ability to… well, let’s be honest. It basically supports the whole enterprise. Three cheers for the throat! I propose an expenditure for a scarf, along with the previously mentioned muffs allowance.

(Muffs. Plural. Please!)

As much as I’d like to quickly go on to other areas, I can’t leave the head without mentioning our dreaded enemies, the teeth. As you are well aware, we have been battling these white menaces for much of the past 50 years. After decades of attempts at pacifying them by building them canals and bridges – even offering them crowns - we finally came to the sad conclusion, a few years back, that total eradication was the only feasible solution to this problem. This was not an easy decision. We had attempted to show them, earlier, by removal of particularly troubling members of their sect one at a time, that we were prepared to wage all-out war if necessary. This strategy did not work. They became more and more calcified in their obstinance. The time had come for drastic action. We made a last ditch effort to impress upon some of them that they must either acquiesce or pay the supreme penalty. We forcibly removed 12 of their number and replaced them with allies from the land of Dentitia. This still did not produce the desired effect in the remaining teeth. They are as troubling as before, if not more so. Therefore, I am ordering that carpet bombings of caramel be initiated and let the chips fall where they may.

We will now move on to the body. Before we do, though, I need to acknowledge those of you who have been clamoring for the body to be re-named “The Big Tub Of Goo”. While this may seem like an appropriate appellation to you, I think it does a disservice to something which has served us quite well over the years. Granted, it has at times given us shitty results, while at other times it has pissed away our chances, but I think it should be noted that it takes a lot of guts to handle all of the crap we’ve sometimes asked it to digest and even though certain members of the body are nuts, you have to admit that, overall, a lot of heart has been shown - as well as the occasional pimple after one too many greasy meals, but let’s not dwell on that.

(I would also be remiss if I didn’t at this point acknowledge the intestines, who have suggested that the following be named our official anthem:

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
Let’s eat beans at every meal!

This suggestion will be taken under advisement until the next meeting of the cabinet where we store the cans.)

There has been some talk lately concerning improvements for the lungs. Most notably, there has been seen a growing movement to have the lungs smokeproofed. While I consider this an interesting idea, and one that may well pay dividends over time, the immediate outlook is not favorable. In every instance whereupon this course of action has been attempted, the brain has gone on strike. Unless we can shut down the brain entirely, I see no way to accomplish this goal.

Speaking of shutting down the brain entirely, we now come to the penis. While this is definitely not a profit center, it has been a consistent performer. As you’ll recall, in the months prior to Suldog’s birth, a vote was taken upon the acquisition of genitals. At that time, the Y chromosome delegation carried the day and it was decided to go with a penis rather than a vagina. This was despite the strongly logical appeals of the X chromosome faction which stated that a vagina could, in fact, become a money maker at a later date if so desired, while all a penis would ever be good for was a few laughs. In a classic case of circuses over bread, the penis was acquired.

I think it is safe to say that this acquisition has turned out to be a mixed blessing. When the penis is in use, it certainly seems like the right choice was made. We have never been let down by it and our trading partners seem satisfied as well. However, the opportunities with which we have been presented to complete such interactions have not been as numerous as once hoped for. Of course, that may be because these opportunities are hoped for on a 24/7 basis and perhaps we are, in actuality, meeting worldwide averages. If so, that’s why there are so many wars.

Well, there’s nowhere to go from here but down, so let’s go there. The ass is doing its job and I daresay that none of us would want to, so that’s a good thing. There were reports that a team of astronomers had discovered a moon circling the ass, but it was later shown that it was Uranus, not mine.

The legs are in pretty good shape. They’re still strong enough to carry Suldog around the bases - and with a fair amount of speed for someone who eats so much cheese, I might add. As long as this is the case, no time or effort need be spent on improving their function via such ridiculous enterprises as jogging. Since the upcoming softball season will be Suldog’s last, there appears to be no reason to change the policy which has gotten us this far. When one considers that such great ballplayers as Yastrzemski, Williams, DiMaggio, Aaron and Mays were completely washed up before the age of 45, the accomplishment of Suldog playing into a 50th year may be seen in an entirely new and complimentary light. Pass the corn chips, please.

In conclusion, the past 50 years have seen tremendous growth - especially around the middle - and the state of Suldog is Massachusetts. As for the next 50 years, I’d estimate about 27, with the last 5 being utterly dreadful.

It is customary at this point to say, “I will now entertain questions from the floor”, but the floor can’t talk, so that would just be silly. Instead, I’ll say thank you for coming - but if you actually did, then maybe you should be thanking me. Good night.


The Omnipotent Q said...

All the best to your wife, Suldog. I hope everything turns out fine with her...

lime said...

hoping the surgery is uneventful and efficacious and a quick recovery occurs.

glad to hear your various bits and pieces seem to be working well too. :P

Jeni said...

Now that was a good "state of" address and perhaps you might want to consider being a speech writer in the future for certain folks who certainly could use some interesting input into their speech-giving.

Hope all works well for your wife -and that you provide stellar support and service to her till she's back to 100% productivity.

Mushy said...

I'll be thinking of your wife...and you.

Buck said...

Good luck on the surgery to your wife, Jim. Be good to her.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Chris Stone said...

Very fun.

Chris Stone said...

and hope all goes well with your wife!

KAYLEE said...

LOVE the post hope all goes well with your wife see you soon :P

david mcmahon said...

Dear Mrs Suldog,

Will be thinking of you. You'll be in our prayers.

Now Mr Suldog,

Need any cooking done, my friend?

And as for your advice - the only ice here in the Australian summer is in my freezer!!

Balcony Gal said...

May THE WIFE have a great recovery with you, and your parts, by her side! My female parts go out to her female parts and salute them. Something like that.

DarylE said...

Good luck to the wife and good luck to you .. its nice to know everything is still working .. mostly .. ;-)

Melissa said...

Good luck to your wife. I hope she recovers quickly.

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Hilarious post. Prayers to the wife.

Melinda said...

Sending prayers to your wife - hope all goes well and that she recovers quickly.


Cleary Squared said...

If you want to be happy, take my advice...Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Yes, Dr. Sidney Feldman still exists!

beachbebe said...

It's the oddest thing...I was googling the Jimmy Fund and my Dad's name in search of articles with which to cheer a sibling and came across your blog. What a find! The state of address made me laugh. Thanks for the uplift!!