Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Two-Foot-Tall Blind Woman, Denied Position On Town Police Force, Sues Local Government - And Wins!

Drewville, OK (API) - Sarah Mae Allstuff, a two-foot-tall blind woman, was denied a position as an officer with the Police Department in Drewville, Oklahoma. She subsequently sued the town - and won!

"I'm glad the court found my denial of a position on the police force to be a blatant violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act," said Ms. Allstuff, 53.

The 32nd District Court of Oklahoma found in Ms. Allstuff's favor, stating that governmental agencies, such as police departments, are not allowed to discriminate in hiring based on physical characteristics. The town is appealing the decision.

"It's the stupidest goddamned decision I've ever heard of," said Drewville Police Chief, Andy Waffleberry. "A two-foot-tall blind midget on the police force! Those judges must have been on the goofy juice that day. Next thing you know, we'll be hiring guys with no arms for the Fire Department. The whole thing just makes me want to puke!"

Meanwhile, the diminutive sightless law officer now patrols the streets of Drewville accompanied by her guide dog, Cuddles. An Irish Wolfhound-Mastiff mix, Cuddles stands three-foot-six at the shoulder.

"He's a handful, that's for sure," Ms. Allstuff exclaimed, when asked by reporters if having a guide dog bigger than she was presented any problems.

"I'll be enjoying a pleasant walk of my beat with Cuddles. Then he'll see a criminal act being committed and off he goes! He just drags me behind him, bumping along the sidewalk, as he tears off after those wrongdoers! If I'm lucky enough to be able to hang on to the leash, it's one wild ride!"

There has been more than one occasion when Cuddles took a bite out of what he thought was crime, only to have it revealed that the one being chomped on was a perfectly honest citizen going about his or her daily business. Ms. Allstuff had this to say:

"Well, it's a shame if someone occasionally gets a hand ripped off by mistake, but I think it's a small price to pay for having a relatively crime-free town."

Citizens of Drewville were asked for opinions concerning Officer Allstuff. Here's a sampling of what they had to say.

Linda Goodbody, 27, auto mechanic - "I think Sarah is a wonderful neighbor. She bakes a real nice cherry pie. As a police officer, though, she leaves a little bit to be desired. I'd say about three-and-a-half feet."

Jasper Kinchlow, 91, okra farmer - "Well, now I've seen everything - which is more than she can say. Hell, I'm stone deaf, take dialysis, can't move my right arm since the stroke - and I have to carry around an oxygen tank just to be able to breathe. I'd still make a better police officer than that shrimpy little woman!"

Nelson T. Carnegie, 46, banker - "I think it's wonderful that our town is leading the way in showing the nation what can be accomplished with a little bit of good old-fashioned American spirit. It's great that those who have had a little misfortune in their lives can still succeed in America. And we're behind that a full 110% at Drewville Savings And Loan, believe me! However, let's be honest. That damn dog has ripped four or five of my best customers to shreds. Sarah's a nice lady, for a blind midget and all, but that hellhound of hers is downright vicious. I bet it was sitting there in the courtroom, snarling at the judges, when they handed down this fool decision. That's the only explanation I can come up with for it."

For more on this story, go here.

(And thanks to The Mighty Quinn for alerting me to these goings-on.)

8 comments:

David Sullivan said...

Before I check your links let me guess....The Onion?

David Sullivan said...

Close enough! ;)

Auntie Scotch said...

LOL - I needed that today, thanks Suldog!

Michael Leggett said...

Hey, the NY Post REALLY Missed the Big Story of The Day:

Who cares about Slappy Mc B---- & Them Thar Yankmes!

Rhea said...

That was pretty funny.

Sarah Mae Allstuff said...

I will be coming for you bastards and my dog will shred your balls..... before I arrest you. Just because I am blind and a little person does not mean that I cannot take you in a fair fight. Just turn out all the lights, lock us in a room together and your balls are mine and I don't mean in a nice way. My last word of advise.... keep an eye on your back, (lower back).

Police Chief Andy Waffleberry said...

Sarah:

It's a parody of The Weekly World News. It's just a coincidence that they got all of our physical characteristics exactly right and the name of our town and the name of your dog and my name... and... uh...

On second thought, I'll join you in shredding their balls. Can you wait until I get there?

Chuck said...

I remember an actual news story about a guy who sued his local police department...he couldn't get hired because his IQ was too high. He lost, since they said this requirement was applied to all applicants and therefore was non-discriminatory.