Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Too Many Parentheses? Hey, It's Called "Style", OK?

I was interviewed yesterday by Janet Fuller of the Chicago Sun-Times. Her specific area of enquiry concerned my predilection for fruitcake. Today, her article was published. The main thrust concerned the lovely and generous Isabelle of Mondo Fruitcake, and well it should have. I got a mention, but my sparkling wit must not have sparkled very much in the phone interview; no quotage of yours truly.

However, she did give out the address to this blog, so I'se gwynne be famous in de midwes'!

(I don't know why I suddenly shifted into a pattern of speech like Jim from Huckleberry Finn, but that's the sort of thing that will happen every so often here, so if this is your first time at Suldog-O-Rama - and God only knows why, but you plan on returning - get used to it.)

(Also, get used to many parenthetical sentences, most of them run-on and the others ending prepositions with.)

(And there will also be at least one totally unrelated digression per posting. For instance, I've been thinking about how most folks have their links to other bloggers listed in alphabetical order. Naturally, "Suldog-O-Rama" ends up somewhere near the bottom. I'm considering changing the name of this blog to "Aardvark-O-Rama" so I can get more hits.)

(And why not? As a title, it makes about as much sense as "Suldog-O-Rama" does. Of course, then I'd be wasting all of the goodwill I've built up around the brand name "Suldog-O-Rama".)

(Insert self-deprecating joke here.)

(As opposed to self-defecating.)

(I've completely hit rock bottom. Here I am with a chance to impress all sorts of new readers from Chicago - not to mention Rock Island! - and I've resorted to scatology this early on. God, Moline, even! You're blowing it, Jim! Come ON! Step it up and give them something to prove that you deserve the reputation you've got. Show 'em your chops!)

(Oh, No!!! Cheap visual puns?!? You have to be able to do better than that, you bozo! Think! Think!)

(The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the two adjacent sides.)

(Oh, for goodness' sakes, you couldn't remember that in 7th grade when you needed it, but you're going to throw it in here now, when readers are leaving your site like so many lemmings over the side of a cliff?)

(Aaaaarrrggghhhh! Bad analogy! Bad analogy!)

(Did I just use "anal" twice in one sentence? Shit. Shit.)


I'm a nice guy. I give to the Salvation Army and the Jimmy Fund and I don't kick babies as much as I used to. I've never eaten a cat - alive. I... I...

(Well, now you're just begging. [I would have said "pandering", but that would call for the following photo...

...and that's too bad of a pun even for me.] You might as well wrap it up, pal. There's nowhere to go from here but downhill.)

I still say the Celtics can win the NBA Championship!

(Oh, God, help me! If you get me out of this, I'll go to mass every Sunday and give you 25% of everything I win on the lottery. I'll donate three hours every year to helping out at homes for unwed mothers - unless they recognize me - and I'll never again say a bad word about that bitch Hillary Clinton. Please help me, God! Please!)

Aaaarrrggghhh! It's a dead rat! That's what I get for praying? Hey, thanks a lot, God!

(Oh, wait a minute. It's a kitten. A very cute kitten. A kitten so cute that anything anybody saw or read just a minute earlier will be totally blocked from their minds and they'll go away from here utterly satisfied and happy. OK, Jim, play it cool. All you need to do now is wrap it up with something that will appease the folks you pissed off with your semi-blasphemous rantings. Don't blow it.)

Thanks, God! You're the bestest God there is!

(There! That ought to hold the miserable midwestern sonsabitches!)



Anonymous said...

Awww... kitty! Look at the little pooper! He's a cute little pooper! Who's a cute little pooper? You are! Yes! You're a cute little pooper! Yes you are! Yes you are!

... What were you saying?

Anonymous said...

Sully, your newfound fame has clearly gone to your head. You've gone mad! But AARDVARK-something WOULD get you to the top of any list. Do it, man!

Anonymous said...

For some odd reason I found it highly amusing that the article states you as soliciting people's leftover fruitcakes. 'Solicit' just makes it sound so official, like it's for monetary pledges, charitable donations, or some other such cause. But maybe that's just me...

Rebecca said...

hahaha, I love parenthesis for subliminal, "wait did I say that out loud" types of statements that you clearly wanted to say out loud. :)

Kudos on the interview! I'm openly envious. :)

Ericka said...

"It's made by Trappist monks of the Gethsemani Abbey in Kentucky."

o-0 wow. really? what makes a monk a trappist? (if you miss this opening, jim, no more panda picts for you!!)

and she's seriously sent you a bunch of half eaten fruitcake? how... generous.

that's... really freaking funny. well, congratulations on your um fame!

Ericka said...

oh, i forgot!

that kitten looks dead. did the pork chop pun do it in? you know what happens to people whose ponderous puns kill kittens????

ok. neither do i. but i'll bet it hurts.

Ali P said...

Thats the weirded=st frigging kitten I ever saw. Are you sure thats what it is and not some kinda mutant bear cub?
And, seriously, how much flu medicine have you been takin', man?
LOL @ Sully's Rants
I can't believe you are getting so popular..I mean that in the "omg isn't that great" way.

Anonymous said...

I have a great taste for kittens baked into fruit cake. Yours truly, Midwest Man

Anonymous said...

I'd answer each one of you individually, but I'm truly sick now. I'm at work at 7:30 (this proves my sickness, but I digress) in order to get whatever needs to be done, done, so that I can go home and crawl into bed. Yuck. Serious cold/flu. I need more green curry.

I think the kitten is a "Scottish Fold". I'm serious; that's an actual breed. They have ears that kind of hug the head. For baking into fruitcakes, Manx are best. No tails to screw with.

See you all next Tuesday and thanks for coming.

Jim a.k.a. Suldog a.k.a. Snuffleuppagus

Anonymous said...

Agh, you've got whatever's going around, huh? Everybody at my office has been coughing and sniffling about. My girlfriend's describing herself as feeling like her head's a giant Q-tip and my tummy has been rumbly. Stupid cold and flu season...

KAYLEE said...

god I hope you feel better:)

Melinda said...

hahaha i've read this post twice (didn't get a chance to comment the first time) and it's just as good the second time around. Not only was this post freakin awesome but i love the commenters here - just hilarious!

I hope you're feeling better.

(and i hope the kitten got away from those porkchops. And the crazy people who want to bake him into a fruitcake)

Unknown said...

Jim - Take a deep breath and calm down. You're a little manic here today.

Anonymous said...

Suldog? Are you still alive? That kitty's really scaring me now...