Monday, September 11, 2006

More Of The 74 Things I Did, Including...?

OK. I'm going to try to move things along so that we can get to what you've all been waiting for: COED NAKED SNOW JOGGING! Unless I have a decent story to tell, I'm just going to skip over some of the items. For instance...

54 - Visited Japan.

Yes. Nice trip, but nothing special to say about it, so...

57 - Pretended To Be A Superhero.

I was 6 or 7 years old. My Mom, being a good mom, had me in the habit of taking a vitamin pill every morning along with my breakfast. Well, in a case of severely misguided childhood logic, I figured that if one vitamin pill was good for me, then if I took more of them it would have to be better for me. Heck, if I took enough of them, I'd probably become like Superman or something, right?

So I did. I don't remember what I might have been doing as Superman at that moment, but when my mother discovered the vitamin bottle, empty, she immediately called our family doctor.

As it turned out, I guess it wasn't too bad for me. The doctor told my mother to give me a large glass of milk. I don't know what that was supposed to do, other than wash down the vitamins, but I liked milk, so no problem for me. I suffered no ill effects that I know of. I was kind of disappointed to find out that I hadn't gained x-ray vision or the ability to fly, though.

59 - Lounged Around In Bed All Day.

What interesting story could there possibly be in that? None, that's what, so let's move on.

60 - Posed Nude In Front Of Strangers.

This could be used as an opportunity to tell you about my stepbrother, Billy, the male stripper. This is about me, though. So I'll tell you the story about how, one time when we were both staying at my mother's house, he saw me come out of the shower, a towel wrapped around my waist, and he suggested that I might become a male stripper, also.

Don't laugh too hard. I was young and in shape at the time. Anyway, while I enjoyed the compliment, I can't dance worth a damn and I assumed that an audience of lusty women wouldn't be tremendously thrilled by me just standing there with a towel wrapped around my waist.

I haven't posed for an art class or anything like that, but I did kind of pose nude once. I was having a pre-examination for a vasectomy and the doctor doing the exam asked if he could have a colleague - an intern - join him to learn about the procedure. I said OK and he left the exam room to go get the intern.

When he came back, an attractive and petite young Asian woman, presumably a doctor, accompanied him. At least, that's what I kept telling myself - "She's a doctor. She's a doctor." - while I was poked and prodded in various sensitive areas. She had her face rather nearer to my genitals than any woman other than MY WIFE since the time I was married.

What made it worth remembering - and the self-serving reason I'm telling the story - is that, at one point, he said, "When the incision is made, there should be no problems. The genitals are perfectly formed." As I blushed, she nodded.

I don't know exactly what constitutes perfectly formed genitals, but I've lived on that ever since.

62 - Kissed In The Rain.
63 - Played In The Mud.
64 - Played In The Rain.

Who hasn't? I mean, aside from The Wicked Witch Of The West.

65 - Gone To A Drive-In Theater.

I was going to give another snide answer here, but then I realized that I'm from a generation that grew up with readily available drive-in theaters and a good many of you reading this may be much younger.

If you've never been to one, I'll give you the lowdown on drive-ins. Great place to go once, if you've never had the experience. Very bad food was served at most of them. Movies are uniformly better inside; that's where they were made to be seen. Good place to neck, of course. Little kids love the idea of driving to a movie dressed in their pajamas, so if you have kids it's a kick. Don't forget to unhook the speaker before you drive away! If you don't, it will end up being a much more expensive movie than you bargained for...

67 - Started A Business.

It depends upon what you call a business. If you're one of those stick-in-the-muds who don't consider it a business unless you file legal papers with the government and the main objective in starting it is to make money, then no. However, I've started a couple of bands and then there's this blog where I'm earning about 7 cents an hour.

Actually, I was part of a legitimate business start-up once. Well, "legitimate" in the sense that the idea was to make money, although not legitimate in the eyes of the law. I was part of a three-man team that dealt drugs in Dorchester. We made some fair cash for a little while and we dealt only in what we considered benign drugs - marijuana, hashish, magic mushrooms, righteous acid. We gave people a good deal and we had a very good rep. Everything we sold came with a money back guarantee and nobody ever asked for a refund.

We gave it up after a minor bust. You'll have to remember that, in some ways, the attitude towards drugs was not then as jackbooted as it is now. Some cops were willing to just give you a quick hassle and then go on their way to really important things. None of us was so much as actually arrested, but a couple of Boston cops threw us up against a fence and frisked us. They found a couple of nickel bags in my boot, opened them and dumped them on the street. They found my personal pipe in my pocket, took it apart and threw the pieces in four different directions, onto rooftops and into fields. I was sort of pissed, but knew that this was how the game was played and I had been lucky to not have anything more incriminating on my person and had fairly mellow cops find what there was.

68 - Fallen In Love And Not Had Your Heart Broken.

MY WIFE. Enough said.

69 - Toured Ancient Sites.

Sure. The Coliseum in Rome, for one. And before it was torn down, Boston Garden.

(That's a good joke for anyone around my age from Boston. The rest of you will just scratch your heads and go, "Huh?")

72 - Gotten Married.

See #68.

77 - Made Cookies From Scratch.

Some of my fondest childhood memories are from being in the kitchen with my Mom, making peanut butter cookies.

(And bread pudding. That's not cookies, of course, but I just thought of how much I used to like that stuff. I haven't had it in years. I think I'll look for a recipe tonight.)

83 - Got Flowers For No Reason.

I'm proud to say "yes" to this one. MY WIFE has been known to send flowers to my office for no other reason than because she loves me. Not many guys can say that. Of course, not many guys have MY WIFE.

(Boy, that's one asinine sentence. Duh.)

84 - Performed On Stage.

Many times, as a musician and also pretending to be one.

85 - Been To Las Vegas.

More times than I can really count. Most trips have been fun. Some have been profitable. A couple have been neither, including (unfortunately) the last one.

86 - Recorded Music.

Yes, I've been in the studio with a couple of bands. Good experience to have had, but no great music came from it.

87 - Eaten Shark.

No big story here. I bought it at the fish counter of the Star Market in Dorchester, more than once, in steaks. When broiled, it's similar in texture and taste to swordfish, perhaps a tiny bit more pungent. I don't know exactly what sort of shark it was. I'd like to imagine that it was a Great White, but it was probably some poor nearsighted schlub of a sand shark who wandered into a lobster trap by mistake.

89 - Had A One-Night Stand.

Yes, certainly. Since I'm a gentleman, though, you get no details.

90 - Gone To Thailand.

On the same trip as Japan. It was fun and I saw very big Buddhas, had interesting meals and not much else worth talking about.

92 - Been In A Combat Zone.

Boy, is this one cheesy.

There used to be a section of downtown Boston filled with strip-joints, adult bookstores, peepshows, X-rated movie houses and every sort of female that military personnel on leave might find useful. It was known as The Combat Zone. Everyone in the city referred to it that way, even the politicians intent on cleaning it up. They did. Too bad.

93 - Buried One/Both Of Your Parents.

Just one. The other one is reading this and saying, "I'm reading this, so it's not me!"

I really hate to do this to you, but enough for now. There's a magnificent documentary film about 9/11 on CBS and it's far more compelling than any of my stupid stories - even to me - so I'm going to stop now and watch it. You've waited this long for COED NAKED SNOW JOGGING, I suppose you can wait one more day. Even if you can't, you'll have to. As Ric Flair used to say, "Whether you like it or you don't like it, you'd better learn to love it!"

See you tomorrow, patient people!


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