Farts

According to the prestigious French scientific journal, Le Monde Du Petomane, we may be about to witness a very interesting side effect of global warming. Due to depletion of the ozone layer, wavelengths previously invisible to the naked eye - that is, the portion of the electromagnetic spectrum which now passes attenuated through Earth's atmosphere - may become part of the visible spectrum. As a result, some gases may obtain visual fluency. Methane, for instance.

In other words, we may soon be able to see farts. That’s something you might like to consider before eating that next bean burrito. No more SBD (silent, but deadly.) Everything will be CAE (cloudy, and embarrassing.) Everyone will know, anyway, so what gain will there be in stifling the musical aspect of the performance?

News of this possibility will likely spur underwear manufacturers to begin investigating the sewing of some sort of filter into the seats of their products. It will have to be rather wide, since methane gas diffuses quickly upon excretion. I don't know what those of you who wear thongs are going to do. Just hold it in, I suppose.

In the meantime, I’ll be investing every cent I have in Beano stock, thanks. I suggest you do the same. There is nothing on God's green earth [which descriptive may also change] that will more quickly make your fortune than cashing in on people trying to avoid embarrassment. Huge wads of cash have been made on deodorant and mouthwash. This has the sniff of something even more lucrative.

The effect will not be limited to human gas. Animal emissions will also be seen, so you won’t be able to blame your stinker on the pooch any longer. If it really was the pooch, however, folks will know.

By the way, this will also pertain to belching. Although usually not as gas-laden as those eruptions from the other end, burps will be noticeable. And, since these are more on the front end of the digestion process, the color will be more closely related to what you ate. Radishes, for instance, might produce a somewhat pleasant pink pastel, while your dinner of cabbage may bring a rich Kelly green to the fore.

Another thing upon which you may wish to ruminate: I’ve always wanted to make up a silly hoax and have the thing come back to me, at a later date, reported as rock-solid fact. This is my attempt. And if all of you on Twitter and Facebook, and who have blogs (or who otherwise make connections with large numbers of people who trust you implicitly, but perhaps not after this) are willing to spread it around, we can make it happen. Quote a line or two, and feel free to reference The New York Times (even though they have nothing whatsoever to do with this.) You can embellish, if you wish, but keep it at least slightly plausible. If you have a better name for a phony-baloney scientific journal than the one I gave in the first paragraph, use it. The more sources you reference, the better. If we can get this rolling, it should provide some terrific entertainment as we watch the more gullible among us glancing backwards at their own asses after, say, the first three beers on a Friday night.

So, to sum up – in case you’re the sort who skips to the end without reading the body of an article – it appears we may have found the one thing that will spur worldwide action in the battle against global warming. Politicians being the gasbags they are, they can’t afford to let this one pass without notice.

Soon, with more better stuff.