If you’ve been coming here for any significant length of time, then you know that MY WIFE is my soul mate. We live well, laugh often, and love much. We play like a chimp almost every day.
That’s an inside joke between me and MY WIFE. I could just leave it at that, but since that would leave this entry at about 1,400 words short of my usual neoplasmic postings (as well as leave you utterly bewildered) I’ll explain, instead.
See, we were watching a Notre Dame football game one Saturday, and...
No, that’s a lie. We weren’t watching a Notre Dame football game. I was watching a Notre Dame football game and MY WIFE wandered into the room at a propitious moment. Soul mate though she may be, I don’t believe MY WIFE has ever voluntarily watched an entire football game in her life. She would rather spend three hours having her nipples twisted with a pair of needle nose pliers than spend an equal length of time watching a football game.
(Just so you know, I really tried to come up with a better equivalent than the needle nose pliers thing. I considered the following:
"She would rather have her bum nibbled by a dyspeptic goat."
"She would rather strip naked, tape cashews to her body, and spend three hours inside a hamper full of rabid squirrels."
"She would prefer dressing up in a Harley costume, going to a biker bar in Oakland, and saying, 'Vroom! Vroom!'"
[No, wait a minute. That’s what I’d rather do than watch another episode of Wife Swap. Nevermind.]
"She would rather have sex with me."
At that point, I knew I was making up stuff that nobody in their right mind could possibly believe, so I decided to just go with the pliers and move on.)
So, during this Notre Dame football game, there was a feature about the preparation leading up to the team going out onto the field. At the end of that vignette, they showed the Fighting Irish leaving the locker room and heading for the stadium. Just outside of the locker room (in a stairwell, as I recall) there was a sign hanging on the wall. Every player on the Notre Dame team touched that sign as they passed by it. It was meant to remind them of their mission. The sign said "Play Like A Champ Today."
Well, MY WIFE thought it would be more fun if the sign said "Play Like A CHIMP Today." She then started running around the room like a monkey, scratching her armpits and making "ooh-ooh-ah-ah" monkey sounds. I thought it was a great idea, so I joined in. We BOTH ran around the room scratching our armpits and making "ooh-ooh-ah-ah" monkey sounds. Then I twisted her nipples with a pair of needle nose pliers and we both slept well that night.
The next day, she made a small sign out of construction paper and hung it over our door. It read, of course, "Play Like A Chimp Today." And, for a couple of years, every time we left our apartment, we would reach up and touch that sign. Sometimes we made the monkey noises again.
There. Aren’t you glad I took the time to explain it?
Soon, with more better stuff.
(By the way, any of you know where I can rent a hamper full of rabid squirrels? It doesn’t have to be immediately. Next Valentine’s Day will do.)
