You may recall
a wonderful book, written by Robert Fulghum, entitled All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. If you haven’t
read it yet, I highly recommend doing so. In it, Fulghum explains that the
lessons taught during his first year in school were, as it turned out, all he
needed in order to live his life as a decent human being. Those enduring
lessons included such stuff as “Share everything”, “Play fair”, “Clean up your
own mess” and “Don’t take things that aren’t yours”.
Those are
useful things to remember. On the other hand, I’ve received some of the most
valuable lessons of my life from an
entirely different source – The Three Stooges.
[There were actually six of them]
I first
started watching their very educational films at around the same time as I
entered kindergarten and I discovered that Moe, Larry and Curly (and sometimes
even Shemp) had many inestimably precious truths to share. For instance…
· *
What goes around, comes around – and it usually comes
around in the form of that same guy you did something nasty to in the first
reel, who said, “If I ever see you three guys again, I’ll tear you limb from
limb!”
· *
No matter how bald you may think you are, you always
have enough hair left for someone to rip out.
· *
You can be doing nothing more provocative than just
standing around minding your own business and you still might get hit in the
kisser with a pie.
· *
Even if you make a really good pun, somebody is likely to poke you in the eyes.
· *
You might have a recipe, but success isn’t guaranteed
unless you truly understand the instructions. For example, if it says “Separate
two eggs”, it doesn’t mean you should place them five feet apart from one
another.
· *
If you have triple bunk beds, it’s never a good idea to put
the guy who weighs the most in the top bunk.
· *
When you’ve checked into a hospital, if you hear “Calling
Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard” come over the loudspeaker, it means the
likelihood of your being cured is somewhat limited.
· *
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither was Syracuse.
· * If you reach for something without really looking at it,
chances are it will be alum you put in those drinks instead of powdered sugar.
As a corollary, not every woman who puckers her lips is looking for a kiss.
· *
Spinning in a circle and saying “Woob! Woob! Woob!” is a
reasonable response to almost any given situation.
· *
Snoring is mighty aggravating to most people if you’re the
only one doing it. If, however, you and two other guys snore in unison, it’s
hilarious! Also, you can prove you don’t snore by staying up all night and
listening to yourself.
· *
If there’s a fat bald guy in the room, you probably
shouldn’t play that recording of Pop Goes
the Weasel unless you like being punched.
· *
Discretion is sometimes the better part of valor. If you
run away, the worst that’s likely to happen is you’ll be shot in the bum. Then
your theme music will play.
· *
If you don’t like someone’s answer, slapping them might
fix things. On the other hand, you could end up getting a crowbar over the
head. It’s a toss-up.
· *
If somebody shows you their fist and says, “See this?”, under
no circumstances is it advisable to slap downward at it.
· *
Doing your laundry on a golf course isn’t a good idea.
Also, when someone yells “Fore!”, if you yell back “Five!”, it isn’t likely to
accomplish anything useful.
· *
B-A-Bay, B-E-Bee, B-I-Bicky-Bi, B-O-Bo,
Bicky-Bi-Bo-B-U-Boo, Bicky-Bi-Bo-Boo.
· *
Even if you can run downstairs fast enough to catch a
cake that fell out a window, chances are you’re going to wind up face first in
the thing anyway.
· *
Never sit in a dentist’s chair if you’re not the
patient. And, if you ARE the patient, and your buddy just had his tooth yanked
by mistake, it’s never a good idea to be standing there holding a pair of
pliers when he comes to.
· *
If you say “Niagara Falls!” to someone, you deserve whatever
happens next.
· *
Whenever there’s anything sharp and pointy around, odds
are someone will sit on it. The possibility increases exponentially if it’s
your boss.
And, of
course, the most important lesson of all…
· *
No matter how well you plan something, there is always
the distinct possibility that you’ll end up being a victim of soicumstance.
Soon, with moe better stuff.
