Thursday, February 26, 2015

Farts




According to the prestigious French scientific journal, Le Monde Du Petomane, we may be about to witness a very interesting side effect of global warming. Due to depletion of the ozone layer, wavelengths previously invisible to the naked eye - that is, the portion of the electromagnetic spectrum which now passes attenuated through Earth's atmosphere - may become part of the visible spectrum. As a result, some gases may obtain visual fluency. Methane, for instance.

In other words, we may soon be able to see farts. That’s something you might like to consider before eating that next bean burrito. No more SBD (silent, but deadly.) Everything will be CAE (cloudy, and embarrassing.) Everyone will know, anyway, so what gain will there be in stifling the musical aspect of the performance?

News of this possibility will likely spur underwear manufacturers to begin investigating the sewing of some sort of filter into the seats of their products. It will have to be rather wide, since methane gas diffuses quickly upon excretion. I don't know what those of you who wear thongs are going to do. Just hold it in, I suppose.

In the meantime, I’ll be investing every cent I have in Beano stock, thanks. I suggest you do the same. There is nothing on God's green earth [which descriptive may also change] that will more quickly make your fortune than cashing in on people trying to avoid embarrassment. Huge wads of cash have been made on deodorant and mouthwash. This has the sniff of something even more lucrative.

The effect will not be limited to human gas. Animal emissions will also be seen, so you won’t be able to blame your stinker on the pooch any longer. If it really was the pooch, however, folks will know.

By the way, this will also pertain to belching. Although usually not as gas-laden as those eruptions from the other end, burps will be noticeable. And, since these are more on the front end of the digestion process, the color will be more closely related to what you ate. Radishes, for instance, might produce a somewhat pleasant pink pastel, while your dinner of cabbage may bring a rich Kelly green to the fore.

Another thing upon which you may wish to ruminate: I’ve always wanted to make up a silly hoax and have the thing come back to me, at a later date, reported as rock-solid fact. This is my attempt. And if all of you on Twitter and Facebook, and who have blogs (or who otherwise make connections with large numbers of people who trust you implicitly, but perhaps not after this) are willing to spread it around, we can make it happen. Quote a line or two, and feel free to reference The New York Times (even though they have nothing whatsoever to do with this.) You can embellish, if you wish, but keep it at least slightly plausible. If you have a better name for a phony-baloney scientific journal than the one I gave in the first paragraph, use it. The more sources you reference, the better. If we can get this rolling, it should provide some terrific entertainment as we watch the more gullible among us glancing backwards at their own asses after, say, the first three beers on a Friday night.

So, to sum up – in case you’re the sort who skips to the end without reading the body of an article – it appears we may have found the one thing that will spur worldwide action in the battle against global warming. Politicians being the gasbags they are, they can’t afford to let this one pass without notice.

Soon, with more better stuff.

 

18 comments:

Craig said...

Sullivan, you are an evil genius. . . (and just for the sake of saying so, you might enjoy a perusal or two of The Journal of Irreproducible Results; just sayin')

I recall, years ago, a real article propounding the thesis that cow farts were a major contributor to global warming. 'Cuz, you know, cows are really big, and they fart a lot, and there are a lot of them, since people like milk and beef, and all that. . .

Another true story (and my sincere apologies if it runs a little long). . . In my long-ago previous job, the guy in the cube next to mine was, among his other duties, the company Patent Co-Ordinator. Every month, he'd get a journal from the US Patent Office containing abstracts of the previous month's granted patents. One month (I swear I am not making this up), there was a new patent for something called an 'Anal Filter', designed to capture the, uh, more material ejecta (both solid and liquid) associated with farts, lest they, you know, stain the clothing. It was a wedge-shaped thing, with a stiff wire/plastic core covered with an absorbent pad; as near as I could tell, one was supposed to wedge it between, uh, the cheeks, and, voila! no more skid marks on the undies.

I swear this is absolutely a true story. . . (I'm actually a little surprised that Ron Popeil never picked up on it. . .)

Suldog said...

Craig - Great stuff. I actually proposed the same theory - about cows - in something I wrote (and which has yet to see the light of day, even though it was accepted by an editor over a year ago. Sigh.) A careful perusal of the World Almanac (I forget which year) shows "methane emissions by livestock" as a more significant contributor than, say, coal burning.

Craig said...

I just googled 'Petomane'. . . I should've known that you'd be up on, uh, esoteric entertainers of bygone years. I salute your encyclopedic body of, uh, knowledge. . .

Eddie Bluelights said...

Also, what gain will there be in stifling the musical aspect of the performance?

lol . . . I'm all for giving advanced warning, as a prelude to the coming fugue.

I think cork and bung sales will increase significantly.

I wonder whether at night infrared and gamma rays might be omitted as well causing alarm.

Loved this Jim . . . what imagination . . . . oh well, back tp the beans . . . :)

Hilary said...

Oh I knew within a few sentences that you were full of hot air. :)

Fun idea though and I hope it gets around the Internet at breakwind speed. ;)

Suldog said...

Eddie - Eddie! So nice to hear from you again. Hope all is well across the pond.

Hilary - Thank you, love. Between you, Craig and Eddie, that makes three countries!

messymimi said...

Heeheehee! Good one. Although i wonder if Le Petomaine would have been so popular had his emissions had a color or odor.

Suldog said...

Mimi - I suspect he would have made it work to his advantage.

Shammickite said...

Craig already said it.... evil genius indeed! But I think I saw a similar article in a previous "Natural Gas Journal". Didn't know I used to work for the gas company, didja?

Eddie said...

Congratulations on the POTW Jim . . . and on a RIPPING PERFORMANCE . . . . lol . . . sending vibrations all over the world . . . lol
I shall have to buy some 3-D glasses and some clothes pegs . . . :)

Eddie said...

This is my proper email address.
I think you are the only one who could write this Jim . . . lol

Eddie Bluelights said...

Still wrong email ~ I think blogger thinks I'm a robot ~ trying again :)

Midlife Roadtripper said...

Ok, thoroughly enjoyed this. And, as I endured my granddog farting throughout the family dinner the other night (and we did use our scent appendages to pinpoint it was the dog) I don't even want to think about being able visualize what might have contributed to those eye watering, gag me odors.

Congrats on the POTW. If it were earlier in the evening I'd attempt a play at the newspaper title. Hmm, will think about it.

Daryl said...

congrats on the POTW .. i will be back later to comment on the post itself .. first i need to deordorize the apartment .. i live with 2 males cats and ... well you know Toonman is full of hot air ..

Juli G said...

Okay... so glad I read to the end. :) Years ago there was a video that went viral of security footage. Apparently for some reason this camera picked up heat as well, and when aimed at the employee time clock, caught some interesting "emissions" from one of the employees rear areas. :)

Barbara Shallue said...

Classic Suldog! I love it! You had me going for a little bit. I can already see them talking about it (and glancing behind themselves) on the Today Show!

Bone said...

As one who is sick and tired of others emanating malodorous gases and denying it, can I just say it's about time!!!

Also, this was beyond hilarious. Bravo, sir!

Mariann said...

Good stuff as always, Jim.

I have been trying for ages to get one of my things to go viral. I make up things which people tend to believe and then I say they aren't true. I think maybe I just need to leave the "...by the way...you know I made this up, right?" portion out of it.

I made three things up tonite - which I will probably use as future blogs...which are really believable. Hell, I'd believe them if I read them...you know, if I didn't write them. ;)