Kerry, bless her soul, opined (in the comments to this other post) that she misses candy cigarettes.
(Before we go on, I suppose I should tell you why it is that when you click onto the "Kerry" link up above you come to a blog written by two dogs named Ed & Reub. The short answer is I have no frickin' clue. It's entertaining, though, so why complain?)
Anyway, number me among those who also miss candy cigarettes, Kerry. And a whole bunch of other stuff, too (because there's only so much you can say about candy cigarettes, after all, and I need to get this up to 1,200 words before my bloviating license expires.)
I think easing children into future vices by plying them with candy was a swell idea. There also used to be bubble gum cigars, but those were for the rich kids (and, if the Freudian supposition concerning cigar usage is valid, for the kids who had issues with the size of their wienies.) I haven't been in a candy store lately, but I assume kids these days can buy sets of works made from spun sugar (maybe including a licorice whip to tie off a vein.) Oh, OK, I suppose that's farfetched. Spun sugar would break too easily in shipment. It's probably Gummi hypos.
(By the way, you can still buy candy cigarettes. You could get them from the same place I stole the photo of them. They apparently don't come with a red-painted tip now, and they're called "candy sticks". They also don't have packaging that features an actual brand-name cigarette logo. Still, as that website suggests, they could make a dandy gift for someone trying to quit the real things.)
(But not me, if that's what you're thinking. If you give me candy cigarettes, all you'll do is put me on the road to Type II Diabetes in addition to my incipient emphysema.)
(Let's move on to another topic before I start thinking too clearly about what I just said.)
Does anybody patch kid's clothes these days? Sooner or later, every boy in our neighborhood wore something patched. My Mom used to patch my pants when I got a hole in them. I remember having one pair of jeans that had both knees, both ass cheeks, AND a spot on the crotch patched. The only other person I ever saw with pants like that was Emmett Kelly.
(I miss Emmett Kelly. However, if we start talking about people I miss, we'll be here all week.)
Aside (yeah, like I have to label these things by this point. My entire blog is an aside.): Am I wrong in assuming that this was a boy thing? Patching, I mean; not Emmett Kelly. What I mean is, were girls clothes ever patched? I don't recall seeing any girls with patches on their asses, and I was looking, too.
The particular patches My Mom used were a type that could be ironed on. They had some sort of adhesive backing that was dry before being applied to the clothing with an iron. They were worth whatever they cost. I clearly recall outgrowing pants before the patches ever wore out or fell off.
Moving right along on this haphazard train of thought, what about paperweights? They used to be fairly ubiquitous, but I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts you can't put your hands on one right now.
(By the way, I think donuts cost about a dollar now, so that phrase has pretty much become meaningless.)
I've heard of folks who collect paperweights, but does anybody still use them for their intended purpose of holding down a stack of paper from being blown away by a sudden gust of wind? Heck, never mind paperweights. The stacks of paper themselves are becoming redundant.
Hey, let's think of something else we can bitch about and make young people laugh at us! How about toys? Do kids still get toy guns as presents? I don't mean water pistols and such; those will always be around. Who doesn't like giving someone a face full of water now and again? But what about cap guns, miniature Thompson sub-machine guns, realistic wooden rifles... Is it just here in the oh-so-liberal Northeast that folks would try to have your parenting permit revoked if you gave a kid a toy gun, or is it everywhere? I suppose BB guns still exist. I sure hope so, anyway. That was the coolest toy ever, even before A Christmas Story became so popular. What kid in his right mind wouldn't want a toy that could shoot your eye out? Not me, that's for sure! The only thing more entertaining were those chemistry sets you could blow up your entire family with.
What else can I go on about like a boring old geezer with no life aside from his blog? Hey, I've got it! Do you any of you still hang out clothes to dry? Maybe there are one or two holdouts among you, but I'm willing to bet treasury bonds to donuts that most of you don't do it. Hell, clotheslines are actually banned in some places. This is because the hideous yuppie bastards elected to the city councils in those locales decided they were an eyesore. It's a shame, really. Anyone who has ever gone to sleep in a bed made up with freshly-laundered outside-air-dried linens knows for a fact that nothing you can pull from a dryer will ever compare, no matter how much artificially scented crap you throw in with the load.
And another thing! Where do butterflies sleep?
(Wow! That may be the single best non-sequiter I've ever typed! But, seriously, does anybody know the answer? Worms sleep underground, ants have hills, moths seem to enjoy spending the night wherever MY WIFE has decided is a good place to keep her clothes, and cockroaches live under the sink. Butterflies? I have no idea. Maybe they used to sleep on clotheslines, but now they're homeless, you yuppie bastards!)
[Although, if you fall for it and send me the five bucks, I doubt it.]
Let's see. I've yearned nostalgic for crap most people don't miss, made a fistful of obvious jokes, gone entirely off-topic once or twice, and thrown in a shot in the dark at suckering some of you to send me money. I guess that about wraps it up. Merry Christmas!
Soon, with more (what would almost have to be, by default) better stuff.